After a L-O-N-G Break....

.....I'm back! I can't believe how long it's been since I've written. I missed everyone so much, but I really needed a break. I didn't realize how much I'd been traumatized by the loss of our Wyatt. Of course I was very aware of missing him, loving him, and all the grief I'd been through, but I started to have panic attacks. Usually centering around fear of losing Jackson like I lost Wyatt. I'm sure my chronic lack of sleep (he still gets up!) didn't help, but I went through really hard times emotionally. I just wanted to simply enjoy our beautiful, perfect, amazing baby Jackson, but I was and still am (although I'm feeling much more sane) always so worried. Every time I logged on and started reading, I started worrying about everything going on on here and if someone had a tragedy or a hard time, I had trouble seperating myself from it.  My husband and I have had a lot of arguments which I won't expand on here, but that also made me close off a little. It was hard to deal with all my emotions. Thank god I have amazing friends and an even more amazing family.  I have made some great mommy friends and I'm finally getting a little me time.

Jackson is doing amazing. He's a little over 10 months and such a big boy. He's been crawling since 5 1/2 months and now walks with his walker soooo fast!!! Every day with him is wonderful. More on him next post!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, mommies!!! Sending lots of love!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Break...

I'm still here! Things with Jackson are wonderful. He is an adorable, sweet, amazing boy who makes every day worth living.

I feel awful for having taken a break from the blogging world, but I've needed it. Over the past few months, (Jackson will be 4 months on Mother's day) I've has many emotional ups and downs. A lot of them have been connected to my marriage. The last thing I wanted to do was use my blog for venting those issues, but 95% of the time, that's what I've felt compelled to write about. Obviously, in addition to my sweetheart!

The guilt of not blogging has made me completely cut myself off from that world. And damn it, I miss it, I miss all of the people who got me this far, and I miss writing about what's going on with me.

I've decided that I'm going to try to blog again, and that I'm going to catch up with you guys.

So, I'll leave you with a picture of Jackson Wyatt....16 weeks...


Much more to come......

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Here I am!

I've started about ten posts since we brought Jackson home, and haven't finished even one. I of course feel super guilty, I haven't been keeping up with everyone, I've been doing some reading on my phone, but in the past 4 weeks, I think I've opened my computer about 6 times. I've been ordering my groceries online, oh, and diapers.com! I've ordered from there! Otherwise, I tend to use the hour (if I'm lucky) I have between feeding and um, feeding, to toss in a load of laundry, or pick up, or eat.

I am working on Jackson's birth story and a few other posts. I just wanted to get something out there and tell everyone I'm still here and that I'm coming back!!

He's doing REALLY well, after an initial weight struggle (I write about that in an upcoming post). I'm going to post a few pics.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who follows me. THANK YOU!! Without this community I don't know how I would've made it through my pregnancy!!












- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

More pics!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

He's here!!!

Jackson Wyatt arrived at 1:48am on 1/8/2011, he's 7lbs 11oz, 20 inches. He made his debut after many hours of active labor, a few scares, 3 1/2 hours of pushing and finally, a vacuum assist!!! I promise to post the whole story!

We're all doing great. And headed home tomorrow.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Induction

I know I've been MIA, but I have been reading I just haven't been doing a lot of commenting.

So, I'm here! At the hospital and the Cervidil is in. When my OB checked me I was still only 50% effaced, and still posterior . Dilated to about a 1. Come on Cervidil! Now I'm in the monitor for the rest of the night, which I like. I feel like I'm keeping an eye in him, but its making me more nervous. I can't stop looking at the heart rate! He's very active, but there was a moment when the nurse came in because his heart rate fell down low. His baseline seems to be at about 110-115, but when he moves he gets up to 150-160.

I've had a few rocking contractions, but nothing evenly spaced. I've noticed the cramping is getting worse now (it's about 12:15am). They offered me ambien to sleep, and sleep wouldn't be bad, but I'm not really into taking anything. It freaks me out.

C just had to go out and buy batteries for his blow up mattress pump. I kinda have to laugh, because I always coordinate these things and he bought this himself, I didn't even look at it, and wouldn't you know it...it's battery powered. I felt so bad for him when he figured it out!

As a side note, my mom bought me these adorable blue leopard print jammies...I love them!!! And because I'm not laboring yet, they let me wear whatever I want so I'm rocking them!

I cannot wait to meet Jackson. I have so many emotions that it's hard to even put them in words. I am thinking about our Wyatt and I know that he's making sure his brother makes it to this world safe and sound.

The last time we were here it was such a painful experience. I know this is going to be a wonderful, amazing experience, but being here brings up so many emotions. In the past few days I've had many flashbacks to my delivery of Wyatt. The sadness was overwhelming. And still is. I am so thankful and excited for Jackson and missing my Wyatt.

I can't wait to meet our second boy...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Still here!!! Update!

First an apology...I am SO far behind reading and commenting on everybody's blogs! I'm sorry, and I swear I'll catch up.

I want to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas. We had a nice holiday. Just us. It was quiet. I really missed the big family gathering feeling, but C tried very hard to make it special. It was the first Christmas since I lost my grandmother, Mema, and I was pretty emotional. We always spent Christmas Eve at her house and even though the turkey had been cooked days earlier, the ham was super dry, and the cherry cheesecake was ALWAYS burned, there was no place like Mema's for Christmas!!

I'm doing well...38 weeks 3 days today. Last Monday (37 weeks) we had an ultrasound and he looks great! A big boy! He was 7lbs 4oz!! And he was in the 66th percentile. I've been an emotional wreck since last week's appointment. Dr. P made some bizarre comments that I of course went over and over and drove myself crazy about. When he checked my cervix at 37.3 weeks, I was still very high and firm. The week before, he'd gone from "we'll set your induction for sometime during the 39th week" to "let's see where you're at and hope you're cervix is cooperating". So last week, (37.3 weeks) he says that I'm definitely not in a favorable position for an induction. He then adds in that I have a very high cervix (I knew this, but never thought of it as an issue) and I have a small pelvis. He said that he's just not sure I won't end up with a c-section no matter what. He said Id be much better off if I let my body get closer on its own. Although I was surprised to hear this, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to let me go past my due date. So I asked and he said well, not by more than a few days. Then he went into the we'll see next week mantra.

I freaked out when I got home and pretty much all week. I'm crazy right now anyway, and I feel like I'm so close. I'm deathly afraid that one extra day could be a bad idea. I know it's not rational, but it's my reality!

So, this week, C came to my appointment. Thank god, because he's much better at asking all the right questions.and he was awesome. I was still high (but not quite as high) and I was tight, but we discussed it and given the pros and cons of my situation, we've decided to induce next week no matter what. I'm scheduled to go in on Thursday January 6th @ 4:00pm!! Yay!! We originally were shooting for Monday, but the hospital schedule is very busy and he suggested Thursday. I think that it will also give my body a little more time to get on board!

I'm so excited. I cannot wait to meet baby Jackson.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Pictures!!!

The nursery

The nursery

The nursery

Me at my shower...31 weeks 6 days

The belly- 35 weeks 3 days

Lux chilling with her animal friends!

A picture is worth a thousand words, right?

Sunday

I've been thinking a lot lately about the holidays last year. It was awful. We didn't decorate anything, we didn't get a tree. I just couldn't do it. I was too depressed, and C doesn't care. If it wasn't for me, he certainly wouldn't bother. I did go to my sister, JR's house, for a lunch and to exchange some gifts with my mom and stepdad. I also went to my grandmother's on Xmas eve. C didn't do either of these things with me, but I felt like I'd feel more depressed if I didn't do them.

This year is so different...thank god. We have a beautiful tree that makes me smile. I've decorated and there are presents under the tree. I baked. Jackson should be here right after the New Year. These are all wonderful things. But there is still sadness that I keep trying to shake. My mom lives about 3 1/2 hours away and I can't go there for Christmas, and although she was supposed to come today with my sister, JR, my brother in-law, H, and my Nephew, baby T, the threat of a storm caused her to cancel. The rest of them are still coming because they only live about an hour and a half away, but I wish I was going to see my mom. The rest of my siblings (I share a mom with JR, and with my other 2 sisters, JA and A as well as my brother, B, I share a father.) and I see each other every Christmas Eve at my fraternal grandmother's house. But not this year. She died in July. Our first Christmas Eve without Mema. So sad. Normally I would probably be the one the pick up the tradition, but C is really not festive, he's an only child and doesn't seem to long for those family interactions on the Holidays. I certainly couldn't have really done it this year anyway. Just too much for me. We were invited to a friend's Christmas Eve party, but of course, C doesn't want to go. What else is new. I would go just for the interaction and to feel that Holiday cheer. I told him he better get with the program, because once we have Jackson we WILL be doing the holidays. There will be no more Grinch! I find it depressing to spend the entire time (we did Thanksgiving alone, too) with just C, his father, and myself. His father could totally care less. He won't even acknowledge that it's a Holiday. He sat down to a big Thanksgiving dinner with us and acted as though it was any other night. Not a word. Of course this is a man who does not seem to care at all about me being pregnant, but actually jumped out of his chair because he was so excited that I'd gotten a new car! C was devastated by that. Anyway, I'm so grateful that I have so many wonderful things in my life, right now, but I am vowing that next year, I will see my family on the Holidays, and I will enjoy them to the fullest. I try to see myself climbing out of the hole that I fell in last year, and standing in the sunlight...

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning and an appointment with the Peri, Dr. H. I also have a bunch of nursery pics to post and some belly pics, so I'll do that tomorrow. I'd do it now, but I'm not on my computer.

I hope that everyone is enjoying the last weekend before Christmas!





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Prayers...Please...

First of all, things are wonderful with me. Jackson continues to ace his NST and things are moving along really well. I feel like I'm in a major time crunch with the Holidays and everything all thrown together, but as the days tick by, I'm getting more and more excited for my baby boy!

One of my dearest friends, who I've mentioned before, D, recently found out she was pregnant here's a little about her in this post.  She had some spotting Tuesday and although her HCG levels were good, her progesterone was low. The plan was for her to start progesterone today, but her HCG levels didn't rise in today's test. She was devastated and the OB told her she was probably miscarrying. They sent her for an ultrasound and low and behold there was a heartbeat! She will be 7 weeks tomorrow, and she's starting the progesterone tonight. If you could please just keep her in your prayers.

I will be posting way more soon! i have my final ultrasound Monday! 

Dates and other stuff

I asked the OB about the induction and he responded with a rather odd answer. I'm wondering if it has something to do with him and the Peri and maybe a little competition?? Maybe it was the way I put it?

Me- "So, I saw Dr. H on Monday and he asked if we'd set a date for my induction? I told him we hadn't discussed it yet. Are you planning on inducing? Dr. H said he was going to put a note for you with the ultrasound results."

Dr. P- "Well, that won't be until 39 weeks. And we need to make sure your cervix is cooperating. I'll start internal exams at 36 weeks. But it's not until 39 weeks."

Me- "Right, he said 39 weeks, I think he just wondered if we'd discussed it and had a date."

Dr. P- "Well, it's not until 39 weeks."

My guess is that in some ways Dr. P gets annoyed with Dr. H who just seems to swoop in and bark orders. That said, um, 39 weeks is kinda freaking close!!! It's not like I'm only 20 weeks here. I'll be 35 weeks on Monday! That gives me 4 weeks to the big 39 weeks. I'm a planner, I like to know. He softened up a bit and said that I could easily go before that or there could be other reasons to induce me sooner. He said that we'll shoot for the 3rd or 4th. Ya know, assuming my cervix cooperates!

I am so excited! So excited!

I promise to take pics this weekend of the nursery, and we're putting up the tree Saturday.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Busy week!

I know I've been a slacker lately. I have many reasons, but none of them are very good! I think the main reason is that I always blogged at night in bed and now with my big belly, I really can't seem to find a position that I can type in.

Soooo...things are great here! I had an ultrasound on Monday which was 34 weeks and he looks fabulous. He's a big boy now...5 lbs 4 oz!!! Wooohooo! The Peri wants my OB to induce. I had thought this would be par for the course when I first got pregnant, but honestly I haven't had the conversation with my OB. The Peri said around 39 weeks. Sounds good to me. I had an OB appointment on Tuesday, but he had to run out right when I got there to go deliver, so I'm going in tomorrow morning. For some reason, an induction actually makes me excited. Maybe because it'll give me an exact date?

The nursery is looking amazing. I'm so happy with it. I promise pics, but we still have to put up his name and the decals, they just came today, then I'll take the pics.

AND...Yesterday, we bought a new SUV!!! We went looking on Monday, and found an amazing deal on what is seriously my dream SUV. Someone traded in a 2010 with only 4700 miles on it because she had really wanted the Ivory interior instead of the almond. Soooo, we got an amazing deal on a practically brand new vehicle that we wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford!!! I promise pics when we get it. I couldn't find the title for my car, so I had to apply for a new one. I'm hoping we'll get the whole thing worked out next week. YAY!!!!

I just wanted to mention one of my best friends. Last year she had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. It was in January, and she's been plagued with issues since then. I am so happy for her and her husband...she texted me a picture of a positive pregnancy test on Monday!!!! She's keeping it hush until Christmas when she'll tell her family. Ironically, that's when she told them last year, too. I just wanted to ask everyone to say a prayer for her and that baby growing inside her. She's an amazing person and she's made this last year and this pregnancy easier for me. She's ALWAYS there for me. I know how much she wants a baby and I'm praying that this is it for her.

A Day Late With a Million Things To Say

First, let me welcome everyone from ICLW...Welcome!!! This is a little about my story.

I have so many post floating around in my head it's getting ridiculous. I'm going to write more the next few days, even if it's in little bits, I promise.

First, things are great here. I fell down last week sending me to L&D for 4 freaking hours of monitoring, but all was well. My shower was AMAZING, and I will definitely do a post about that soon. I started my NST each week last week and I have one tomorrow after my weekly OB appointment. I'll do a post about my feelings regarding this, too.

Hmmmm....there's soooo much more! I'm hardly sleeping at all between the dreaming and peeing. I'm excited about Thanksgiving, and can't wait for Christmas! C has one more day of painting and then we can start putting the nursery together!!!! Everything is here, crib, changing table, dresser, etc, etc.

I promise more to come!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

30% off

I also wanted to share this with everyone. I'm planning on getting some Christmas shopping done!

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from November 11-14 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we'll make a 5% donation to a non-profit."

Felling Better

I just wanted to give a quick update and thank everyone for all their comments and hugs and love. I'm feeling WAY better. Even though I'm exhausted by about 2:00 pm these days, I feel a million times better than I did on Monday. My OB appointment went well yesterday, and Monday I have a cardiologist appointment. My OB doesn't seem too worried, but he definitely wants me to make sure that I get to the bottom of this.

I went to my knitting class tonight and the teacher had knit Jackson a sweater, 2 hats and mittens! I'll post some pics soon. They are adorable. This woman is the nicest freaking lady!!!

No, not today.

Today is Wyatt's birthday. It's also my father's birthday. My father died 18 years ago at the age of 38 from a massive heart attack. He didn't even know he was sick.

At 2:46am this morning, I woke up and had to pee. Not at all unusual. It had been about 2 hours. I looked at the time, like I always do, peed and walked back to the bed. For some reason, I felt uneasy. The kind of anxious feeling you get when someone has just given you bad news. Although I was very aware of what today is, I wasn't thinking about that, I had actually been dreaming about the floor that C is putting down in the nursery. Then, it happened. My heart started beating super fast. I waited a minute, took a deep breath, and it was even faster. It felt like it was coming out of my chest. I woke C up.  
This isn't the only time this has happened. About 3 1/2 year ago, it happened for the first time. Totally out of the blue, and lasted for a little over 1/2 a hour. It's a horrible feeling. At the time, after wearing a monitor, a cardiologist diagnosed me with what he said was an extra pathway. A kind of electrical short. Sometimes the wrong path is chosen and the rhythm gets stuck and causes a tachycardia.  

I've had this happen a couple of times since being pregnant, but not like this. Both times it lasted only a few seconds. C made me sit down. It still was cranking, and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I started to freak out. "No! Not today!".  C of course tried to keep me calm. We know what it is he kept saying, but it wasn't going away. I felt like I was going to pass out, I hadn't felt Jackson move. I automatically started to get dressed. C kept saying do you want me to call an ambulance or bring you. I could just see myself passing out in the car. So, we called an ambulance. It took them about another 15-20 minutes to get there, the police arrived first. They were nice. By this time I was shaking, C kept asking if I was cold. No, I was scared. When the rescue guys finally got in there and started up the monitor, etc, my blood pressure was still really high, but my heart rate had come down. I was shaking uncontrollably. One of the rescue guys seemed annoyed with this and kept telling me to calm down. Years ago, when my mother-in-law fell down the stairs we had this guy and he was rude then, too. I ignored him. And I was thankful that he didn't come with us in the ambulance! My blood pressure then dropped really low in the ambulance and the guy kept asking my if my blood pressure was usually really low. This of course made me nervous, too! And C didn't ride with me, because there would have been no one to drive us home. And there I was....back at the hospital, a year after delivering Wyatt. They ran a million tests. The ER doctor was great, and so was the nurse. They listened to Jackson and his heart rate was good. The only thing they found was that I have these premature ventricular contractions (extra heart beats), I'm anemic (which I'm on iron for) and my magnesium was low. Apparently, low magnesium can irritate your heart's rhythm, and if you have an underlying condition, make it worse, so they gave me some magnesium in my IV and then I could leave.

I have an appointment with the cardiologist next Monday and I see my OB tomorrow. I'm exhausted. When we got home around 8:00am, I couldn't sleep. I kept dozing off and waking up anxious and feeling like I wasn't breathing.

I know everything will be fine. I know it will be. And Jackson has been kicking and rolling away in there. Today I'm relaxing on the couch. Nothing more. I just want to say again how blessed I am to have my OB...he's amazing. He called me right back and explained everything that he knows about this type of thing.

On another note, my shower is Saturday, and I'm actually really excited. I may have to call some friends to help with the cleaning, because it's here!!!

A Year Ago Today....

A year ago today, my life changed forever. It was a Friday. I woke up and headed to work, but something felt wrong. Wyatt really had never moved all that much. I think he moved more at 18 weeks than at 25 when I look back. That day, though, things felt different. I never thought I would hear those words from the ultrasound tech. Never. I never thought that we would loose him. Whenever those thoughts had crept into my mind, I thought for sure I was being crazy. I remember sitting up on the ultrasound table and screaming and screaming "no!!!", and then, being who I am, I realized that I was at the OB and other pregnant women could hear me, I started saying I was sorry. God, I was worried about scaring people! The night that followed was horrible. I had been encouraged to go home and get stuff together and then I could come back and they would induce. I waited for my mom and step dad to get there and then I called, the OB I had seen was off duty and the new OB (a woman who only works weekends at the hospital and I REALLY do not like) wouldn't let me come in because there weren't enough beds. It wasn't until mid afternoon on Saturday that they took me. They started my induction and baby Wyatt was born at 2:09 am Sunday, November 8, 2009. He was 1 lb 13 oz. He was beautiful. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him. That I don't miss him.

This year is different. I has been so difficult. When I think back to those first weeks I was home, I'm amazed that I've made it this far. I wasn't sure I'd be able to leave the house again in the beginning. I don't agree that time actually heals wounds, but time does allow you to get far enough away to see things differently. I'm not sure how I made it through in the beginning. Love and support? And some days, I'm still not sure I'm going to make it through. Grief can be overwhelming when you least expect it.

I am so thankful for Jackson Wyatt. I can't wait for his safe arrival, and I know that Watt is keeping us both safe until that day comes.

I will leave you with a picture of Jackson and a picture of Wyatt, my boys....

Top: Jackson @ 30 weeks

Bottom:Wyatt- Born at 25 weeks 6 days

29 Weeks 2 days...Still here!!

Hi! I have been all over the place and haven't blogged in what seems like forever. I also apologize for my lack of consistent commenting. I think part of it is I used to sit in bed at night and do these things and now the big belly is in the way! There's no more typing in bed, it just doesn't work out very well.

Soooo...things are going really well. I passed my glucose test with flying colors. Of course I had myself convinced I was going to fail and was completely nervous the whole time! And I found out last week that I'm anemic. I knew something was off, because I was getting headaches and feeling really tired. My next ultrasound is on Monday the 1st, and I can't wait to see Jackson and see how big he is. I know he must have grown significantly because, well, I have, and his movements are more intense. I feel a ton of rolling and although he still kicks a lot, there's more pushing and rolling around, and he seems to be covering more surface area. Like I'll feel him all over at once. He favors the right and that makes me nervous because I know that's where the placenta is. Which I'm sure means nothing really, I just don't want him to bash it too much!!!

My Birthday is next week, Wednesday. I have mixed emotions about it. Last year, it was horrible. C and I fought most of the day, I can't remember why, but I'm sure it was for some stupid reason! We were supposed to go out for dinner and didn't and we watched this horrible movie with a lady who had had a stillbirth. Then 3 days later we found out we'd lost Wyatt, and he was born on November 8th (which is my father's birthday. He passed away 18 years ago.). A week that I'd like to skip. C keeps telling me they're just dates. I know that, but they're not just dates to me.

My stepfather sent me a gift certificate to get a massage with my FAVORITE massage therapist, K. So I decided to book that on Monday, and then while I was booking it, I all of a sudden decided that I was going to add a facial. Honestly, I don't even know why, but I was just feeling it! I am trying to be positive and believe that everything is going great and will continue to go great.

I really want to do something special to honor Wyatt and my dad on their birthday, but I haven't figured it out yet...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today I'm remembering my beautiful Wyatt and all the other babies who left us too soon. I also want to thank all my friends and family who lit candles tonight. It means so much to C and I. Sending lots of love to everyone.