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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sunday...Christmas is finally over!

First, I guess I should say a little about myself. I met my husband 6 1/2 years ago, and for me, it was love at first sight. He took just a little convincing! I moved in with him almost a year after we met. We were engaged the following year, right around the time that his mother fell ill. In the beginning she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. My husband was very close to his mother and had always promised to take care of her when and if the time ever came. He's an only child. We started looking for a house big enough to have his parents come and live with us, and put our wedding on hold. In February of 2007, his mother's diagnosis took a turn for the worse. We found out she had bulbar ALS and fronto temperal dementia. They gave her a year to live. We moved into our new home, what was and is my dream home, and would have been his mother's dream home in March. The months that followed were some of the most trying times of my life. I won't go into detail, but his mother passed away on October 3rd, a short 8 months after being officially diagnosed. She was an amazing woman, and I don't regret a moment of the time that I spent caring for her, I would do it again in a heartbeat. The whole time, we were trying to have a baby. It was our plan to have a baby before we lost her. It never happened.
We were married in June of 2008, finally! When we returned from our honeymoon, I started getting nervous that we hadn't gotten pregnant. There had been so much going on, that almost 2 years of trying had gone by. We started down the road of fertility treatments. It was a slow beginning...all these tests. In January of 2009, we were finally at our first official appointment with the RE. Ok, more tests! I had uterine polyps removed, a minor surgery, but everything has to be done at a certain time of month, and therefore, it ends up taking FOREVER to get from A to B. We were finally cleared for IVF. On May 28th, 2009, after many hormone shots and a successful egg retrieval, they placed 2 beautiful embryos in my uterus. The two week wait was horrible, but it was all worth it when we got the call that the beta was positive!
To say that we were excited doesn't give near enough emotion to that moment. The pregnancy progressed well, no problems. I have a gardening business and I worked the whole summer, without a hitch. My birthday was November 3rd, it wasn't a particularly good birthday, my husband was in a crappy mood, and I had become obsessed with the baby's kicking or not kicking. I was just over 25 weeks. On Friday, November 6th, I woke up and didn't feel the baby. I called my OB, they told me to do a kick counting and that I could come in if I was still nervous. I couldn't feel him. I freaked out. I couldn't find his heartbeat with my doppler. I lost it. Still, somehow, I thought it was just me freaking out. My husband came in and was annoyed with my frantic state. I told him I was going to the OB, and he offered to go with me, but I could tell he thought I was just freaking out. I told him I didn't want him there.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for that moment...the first nurse couldn't find the heartbeat, and then my husband showed up just as the midwife took over...they shuffled me off to the ultrasound, and I saw her face. She just said "I'm so sorry." I screamed. And screamed. My husband sobbed. How could be be gone? How could he?
They induced me, and on Sunday November 8th at 2:09am, I gave birth to our son, Wyatt. He was beautiful. He was 1lb 11oz and 13 1/2". He looked just like me. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through, the pain is sometimes overwhelming, and yet, everyday is somehow a little better.
I started this blog to write about my journey through this pain, to write about my journey to have another child. I have found some peace in reading blogs from others who've been through similar situations, I only hope that someone will read this and maybe in some way, it will help.
Did I mention how glad I am that Christmas is finally over?


  1. This story is just so familiar. I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this, and this is a wound that takes so long to grow any kind of scab (I don't think it ever really "heals"). Hugs to you.

  2. I just saw this post...Thank you. It's amazing to me how many of us have similar stories. I am so sorry that you lost your baby girl. I know that there are no words that make it feel any better. Time seems to dull the pain...XOXO