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Monday, March 29, 2010

I Survived!

So, I survived! The time that I got to spend with my sister, JR, mending our relationship was worth enduring the shower.

For the most part I was fine at the shower. There was a moment when one of JR's friends, who she is not close to at all, asked if it was my mom's first grandchild. She asked me, I couldn't answer, I would've started crying. I just nodded. If I could have spoken clearly without tears, I would have said, "No, I lost my son, Wyatt, he was the first grandchild." But, I couldn't and I didn't.

I will write more tomorrow. Today was VERY long and so was yesterday, I'm headed to bed.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Lupron...Day 4

Today was my 4th Lupron shot and I did it at my mom's house. The last time I was here, I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Wyatt. I was full of hope and so happy and excited. Now, I'm here, for my sister's baby shower, it's tomorrow. This trip has actually been fine. My sister and I had a nice talk in the car on the way here, I picked her and her dog up. I've had a few moments that were hard, but all in all, I'd say, I'm doing okay.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. One stupid comment from someone, could make me cry. I feel pretty strong tonight, though, and all I can do is hope I feel that way tomorrow, too.

I have a good feeling about this cycle, and I'm holding onto that.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Lupron...Day 1

So today was Lupron shot # 1 of my third fresh IVF cycle. This is it. I can feel it. I'm thinking a lot about my Wyatt and missing him a lot today. The beginning of this cycle is bittersweet. I'm glad that we are here and trying again, but goddamn it, it reminds me that Wyatt would have been about 6 weeks or so old.

A lot of people seem to talk about their belief that god has a plan. I am a very spiritual person, although I am not involved in organized religion. I guess,  I believe more than ever that there is a plan for all of us. A complicated, tangled plan, that in pieces doesn't seem to make sense to me. I know that everything I've been through in my life has made me who I am, and I know that I will be an amazing mom.

On a completely different topic, my friend, L, the crazy one who I am not speaking to and has decided that she will be best friends with my grandmother, is at it again! She took my grandmother shopping for my sister, JR's, baby shower! I had told my grandmother I'd be happy to take her, or we could go online and order something from the registry. Then somehow she went with L, and called me and told me not to be upset that she went with L. I hate to say this, but my grandmother can be so manipulative! She knows this is the one person I have ever asked her not to involve in our lives. So, I got an email from L today going on and on about how she is so glad to have my grandmother in her life. And saying she's the grandmother she never had. Have I mentioned that they had NEVER spent ANY time together alone before L and I had our disagreement?!? I cried and fought with my grandmother when she told me about the shopping, but the next conversation, she told me she is going to do what she wants. What to do?

Monday, March 22, 2010


I guess I should have done a post yesterday to welcome all the ICLW peeps, but, obviously, I didn't. So....welcome!!! I am so excited that people are actually stopping in and reading and writing comments! Thank you!!! And I just want to thank you guys who are always here. I couldn't do it without you!

Ok, so I'm wondering if I could be having anticipation hormones? Are you laughing? I'm trying to come up with a reason for my major mood swings today. I guess it's probably the anticipation of my sister, JR's baby shower this weekend, and the beginning of my cycle on Wednesday. I'm just plain exhausted. And of course, C and I fight the whole time we're working together, so that's exhausting.

Well, tomorrow, I have to get all the tax stuff out to the accountant and believe it or not, I'm looking forward to that!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ready for Wenesday

I start my meds on Wednesday, and I'm ready. I really feel like I've taken these three weeks and tried to put my focus elsewhere. It's been good for me emotionally. Of course, I've had my meltdowns, but I've also had enough to distract me from the anticipation of this next cycle. Like I've said before, I think for me it's the waiting that can drive me mad. Now, I'm ready, but I'm not "waiting".

On Friday, I had the most fabulous massage. I also had a great talk with K, who gave me the massage. She's a friend, as well. I've spoken about her before. She was pregnant and lost her baby at 12 weeks. And then shortly after, her beloved dog died. Talk about being knocked down!!! She was so open about her feelings. She is a beautiful person. I know things will turn around for her, I'm just hoping that it's really soon!!!

It was really great to talk to her, because she totally understands, like you guys out there do. She feels her loss, and is trying to find a way to grieve. We talked about how many people there are that you never knew had a loss, and about how people just don't want to hear about your loss, even when they say they do. I think when people bring it up, they don't expect you to actually really talk about it. She told me about a book she's reading about grieving the loss of your baby, and how it said it's like you're for an academy award. You grieve in silence, you let go when no one's looking, but about how in public, you're "fine". Wow, how true that is! I have complete freak outs, not all the time, but I still have them. Never in public, though. In public it's like, "How are you?"...."Oh, Fine.".  I mean seriously, no one wants to hear, "Today was terrible! I woke up crying, I just want my baby back. Why did this happen to me?" I mean could you imagine? I just picture people running away. So we work towards our academy award. "Oh, yes! I can't wait for Easter." (Please!!!)

I scheduled another massage in two weeks, but I'm seriously thinking that maybe I should be going every week. I don't think I'm going to do the acupuncture again. Although I'm sure that it really did relax me, the setting itself was stressful. C was waiting for me and because I was anxious already about getting home and relaxing after the transfer, waiting for the guy to come and get the damn needles out seemed to take forever! I will schedule a massage for after the transfer, that worked with Wyatt!

On another note, C and I have been working on the barn floor. He decided he wanted to do this concrete stain. What a nightmare!!! The floor is 1200 square feet and in case you're wondering, that is freaking huge!!! We cleaned all the dirt off one day, then we washed it, which consisted of detergent and two floodings with shop vac-ing...It sound simple, but man is it a ton of work! Yesterday, we sprayed the stain, and then flooded, scrubbed and shop-vaced two times. My back is totally shot, and although it needs it another time, C has insisted on doing it himself. I did do all the stain spraying because I was better at it than he was. I'm inside trying to relax, and feeling guilty that he's doing it all by himself! I looks pretty freaking cool. When I upload the pics, I'll post them.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Meds arrived...

Most of my meds arrived today, with the exception of the luveris. I had that script sent to a different pharmacy than I usually use, because their cash price is better than my co-pay price! Anyway, they gave me a hard time about sending me the script until I need it, because its not returnable?!? I'm calling tomorrow and telling them to send it. The IVF nurse told me that their customer service wasn't so hot and she was definitely right.

The lights are finally all in and wired in the barn. It looks great. Now on to the floor. We're doing a concrete stain. I'm actually pretty anxious to see how it comes out. Things are rolling along. I scheduled a massage for Friday and I can't wait. I am so incredibly tense. I'm trying to come up with a relaxation plan for this cycle. I think I'm going to do another massage before my stims start and I'm going to check into the local acupuncture place. I didn't really like the one affiliated with the IVF clinic.

I have a good feeling about this cycle. I really do. Cautiously optimistic.....

Sunday, March 14, 2010


It continues to amaze me how many people in my everyday life have experienced a stillbirth, or a late miscarriage themselves or know someone who has.

There are still some people that we haven't seen since we lost Wyatt, and C ran into quite a few of them today. He went to check on a property we own and the neighbor came by. She had been so happy that I was pregnant. The property that he was checking was where we lived before our house now, we're renovating it so we can rent it. It's where C lived when I met him and I had really bonded with this neighbor. I've been avoiding her. I check the property at times when I know that she's at work so I won't run into her and if I see she's home, I won't stop. I just couldn't handle telling her, so she came over to C while he was there and of course asked if I'd had the baby. He had to tell her. He said she started shaking and almost fell over. It turns out her son lost his first baby, too. She said it took her son three years to get over it. People never talk about dead babies, they just don't. I understand. I talk about my loss with those who know about it but not with those who don't or the people that are new in my life. It makes sense. I find it so sad that there are so many people that have been through this. And then there's another part of me that draws strength from knowing that so many others have been here and survived.

So, I'm trying to look forward to this upcoming cycle. Only 10 days till I start my Lupron. The third time's a charm....right? 

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A New Day

I've been helping C out in the barn with the lights. There are a ton of them, they go up on a 12 foot high ceiling and I have to stand on a ladder (I HATE ladders.). There's been a lot of fighting and yelling and crying (on my part). So, obviously this hasn't been my dream week.

Tomorrow is a new day...I'm working in the morning and then I'm headed to meet with the new tenants, and THEN, lunch with my friend, J. AND the outlets! I can't even explain how excited I am. I feel like I've been so down lately. I really thought I was feeling ok about the chemical pregnancy from the last cycle, but like I mentioned on Sunday, I'm sad.

I got my protocol all ironed out and my meds ordered....trying to enjoy the in between time and get ready for another round.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been really stressed over the renovation of one of our commercial properties, and getting the lease signed, etc. Plus I've been helping with my sister, JR's baby shower. She gave me a list of names without addresses, which meant I had to go onto her Facebook, look many of these people up and send them messages that said I needed their addresses and I was planning a baby shower for her. Some of them probably know about my situation, but I'm sure most of them don't. I got a lot of replies with, "Oh, she's pregnant, you must be so happy and excited!". And with every reply like that, I wanted to write back..."No, not really, this is extremely hard for me, because I lost my son who should have been born by now. I should have had a baby shower, but I didn't." I'm doing this baby shower with my mom, because I know that if I don't, I'll regret it later. I love her, and if I could wipe away all of the jealousy I feel towards every person I know who can not only get pregnant by accident, but stay pregnant by accident, then yes, I am excited. I already love my nephew, even though he's not born yet. But I think I'm having an even harder time, because JR has been consistently upset during her pregnancy and everyone has walked on eggshells around her. When she didn't come to see me after I lost Wyatt, it was because it was "too hard" for her. When she didn't call me on my due date, the explanation was that it was "too hard" for her. I did actually call her on that, and she apologized, and admitted that she didn't handle it well. Now, here I am helping with her shower, and I don't hear anyone saying to me, "Wow, this must be hard for you.." Maybe it's because her and I are such different people. She yells and screams and tells people what she expects, and I just tend to go with the flow. I may say I'm having a hard time, but I don't scream about it.
I am having a hard time. And now I have a failed IVF attempt since we lost Wyatt. I thought I was ok with that, I really did, but I am so sad about it. I just think that life is so fucking unfair. So unfair. All that I've ever wanted was a family. And of course JR has a lot of unmarried, pregnant, oops friends who will be at the shower. Ugh.......

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A New Plan

As of yesterday, my HCG levels are back down to zero.

We had a phone consult with our RE yesterday and there's a whole new plan. Our first IVF last May, when I got pregnant with Wyatt, our embryo quality was much better. The RE basically says that he doesn't know why there was such a drastic change, but he's completely changing my protocol. He thinks that the quality of the embryos has to do with my different response to the stims this time. So, my plan goes from 225 of Gonal f to 375 of Gonal f?!? That's quite a change if you ask me. He also added Luveris into the mix, but I don't remember the exact dosing of that. He likened the way they stim you to the fertilizer you might use in a garden.

I also wasn't sure how long I'd have to wait to start my next cycle, but he said that once I get my period (And I just did! So, tomorrow will be day 1), I'll start the Lupron on Day 21. That puts us at the 24th. I have a good feeling about this cycle. And I plan on really trying to go into it more relaxed than last time. My main goal between now and then is to lower my stress level. I'm going to try to get some gardening work done for my customers which will be good exercise as well as making some money!

Looking forward...