No, not today.

Today is Wyatt's birthday. It's also my father's birthday. My father died 18 years ago at the age of 38 from a massive heart attack. He didn't even know he was sick.

At 2:46am this morning, I woke up and had to pee. Not at all unusual. It had been about 2 hours. I looked at the time, like I always do, peed and walked back to the bed. For some reason, I felt uneasy. The kind of anxious feeling you get when someone has just given you bad news. Although I was very aware of what today is, I wasn't thinking about that, I had actually been dreaming about the floor that C is putting down in the nursery. Then, it happened. My heart started beating super fast. I waited a minute, took a deep breath, and it was even faster. It felt like it was coming out of my chest. I woke C up.  
This isn't the only time this has happened. About 3 1/2 year ago, it happened for the first time. Totally out of the blue, and lasted for a little over 1/2 a hour. It's a horrible feeling. At the time, after wearing a monitor, a cardiologist diagnosed me with what he said was an extra pathway. A kind of electrical short. Sometimes the wrong path is chosen and the rhythm gets stuck and causes a tachycardia.  

I've had this happen a couple of times since being pregnant, but not like this. Both times it lasted only a few seconds. C made me sit down. It still was cranking, and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I started to freak out. "No! Not today!".  C of course tried to keep me calm. We know what it is he kept saying, but it wasn't going away. I felt like I was going to pass out, I hadn't felt Jackson move. I automatically started to get dressed. C kept saying do you want me to call an ambulance or bring you. I could just see myself passing out in the car. So, we called an ambulance. It took them about another 15-20 minutes to get there, the police arrived first. They were nice. By this time I was shaking, C kept asking if I was cold. No, I was scared. When the rescue guys finally got in there and started up the monitor, etc, my blood pressure was still really high, but my heart rate had come down. I was shaking uncontrollably. One of the rescue guys seemed annoyed with this and kept telling me to calm down. Years ago, when my mother-in-law fell down the stairs we had this guy and he was rude then, too. I ignored him. And I was thankful that he didn't come with us in the ambulance! My blood pressure then dropped really low in the ambulance and the guy kept asking my if my blood pressure was usually really low. This of course made me nervous, too! And C didn't ride with me, because there would have been no one to drive us home. And there I was....back at the hospital, a year after delivering Wyatt. They ran a million tests. The ER doctor was great, and so was the nurse. They listened to Jackson and his heart rate was good. The only thing they found was that I have these premature ventricular contractions (extra heart beats), I'm anemic (which I'm on iron for) and my magnesium was low. Apparently, low magnesium can irritate your heart's rhythm, and if you have an underlying condition, make it worse, so they gave me some magnesium in my IV and then I could leave.

I have an appointment with the cardiologist next Monday and I see my OB tomorrow. I'm exhausted. When we got home around 8:00am, I couldn't sleep. I kept dozing off and waking up anxious and feeling like I wasn't breathing.

I know everything will be fine. I know it will be. And Jackson has been kicking and rolling away in there. Today I'm relaxing on the couch. Nothing more. I just want to say again how blessed I am to have my OB...he's amazing. He called me right back and explained everything that he knows about this type of thing.

On another note, my shower is Saturday, and I'm actually really excited. I may have to call some friends to help with the cleaning, because it's here!!!

29 Weeks 2 days...Still here!!

Hi! I have been all over the place and haven't blogged in what seems like forever. I also apologize for my lack of consistent commenting. I think part of it is I used to sit in bed at night and do these things and now the big belly is in the way! There's no more typing in bed, it just doesn't work out very well.

Soooo...things are going really well. I passed my glucose test with flying colors. Of course I had myself convinced I was going to fail and was completely nervous the whole time! And I found out last week that I'm anemic. I knew something was off, because I was getting headaches and feeling really tired. My next ultrasound is on Monday the 1st, and I can't wait to see Jackson and see how big he is. I know he must have grown significantly because, well, I have, and his movements are more intense. I feel a ton of rolling and although he still kicks a lot, there's more pushing and rolling around, and he seems to be covering more surface area. Like I'll feel him all over at once. He favors the right and that makes me nervous because I know that's where the placenta is. Which I'm sure means nothing really, I just don't want him to bash it too much!!!

My Birthday is next week, Wednesday. I have mixed emotions about it. Last year, it was horrible. C and I fought most of the day, I can't remember why, but I'm sure it was for some stupid reason! We were supposed to go out for dinner and didn't and we watched this horrible movie with a lady who had had a stillbirth. Then 3 days later we found out we'd lost Wyatt, and he was born on November 8th (which is my father's birthday. He passed away 18 years ago.). A week that I'd like to skip. C keeps telling me they're just dates. I know that, but they're not just dates to me.

My stepfather sent me a gift certificate to get a massage with my FAVORITE massage therapist, K. So I decided to book that on Monday, and then while I was booking it, I all of a sudden decided that I was going to add a facial. Honestly, I don't even know why, but I was just feeling it! I am trying to be positive and believe that everything is going great and will continue to go great.

I really want to do something special to honor Wyatt and my dad on their birthday, but I haven't figured it out yet...

Fear

I have been wanting to write, but I just can't seem to this week. I'm having a really hard week. Monday, I had my 23 week ultrasound-everything looked great. Jackson is measuring perfect, and his heart rate was great, etc. Although I love the ultrasounds, I also find they make me really anxious. Really anxious. And although this lady was nice, she wasn't the tech we really like and I felt like she kinda freaked us out. She wanted to get him to turn around, he was facing backwards. So, she did a ton of jabbing on my stomach saying things like "this usually turns them" and "oh he's stubborn.". Of course this completely freaked C out and he thought that this meant something was wrong. He'd been kicking and moving all around all morning, so, I knew he was fine, but then I started to get freaked out. I mean the poor guy was trying to rest! I asked the peri when he came in and he said something to the effect of that "they do what they want, and they certainly don't always cooperate", but I was still a little nervous. He's going to see me again at 25 weeks for another ultrasound, because I asked. I lost Wyatt at 25 weeks 4 days and I know I'm going to need all the reassurance I can get that week. I went to my regular OB after that, rather uneventful appointment, all is well.

Then, Monday night, C and I started talking about the renovations at one of our buildings. We have a new tenant moving in and everything has to be ready by the 1st of October. I'd just gotten the run down from the contractor and it sounded like things were going great. I relayed the progress to C and he started flipping out (he's always a lot more negative than I am. I assume the best, him, the worst.), he thought that things should be further along, etc. Somehow this escalated into a fight and I ended up having a panic attack. I'm in charge of the renovations, but I started to think "oh god, i've f'd everything up!", etc. Then I realized that really, I'm worried about the baby. I'm scared to death. Scared to death. I don't know if I hadn't really realized how close I was to when I lost Wyatt, or if I was trying to ignore it, but all of a sudden it hit me like a tone of bricks. And damn it, I started to freak out. C and I talked about it for awhile, but I still couldn't sleep.

I am so afraid. Every moment, it's in the back of my mind. I'm afraid to do anything like I did those days right before I lost Wyatt. Fridays make me sick, because, it was a Friday I realized he was gone. If poor Jackson doesn't kick for awhile, I start to panic. I had a freakout today, because I hadn't felt him in hours. He wouldn't kick, I tried to do the doppler, but I couldn't find is heartbeat. I started to cry, and panic. C was mowing the lawn and somehow, I tried to relax myself, went and drank some juice and lay down. It took quite awhile, but he woke up and kicked. Of course he's been kicking away all night, now.

Then tonight, I realized that we aren't just coming up on the time when I lost Wyatt, but Saturday, the 18th, it will be 18 years since my dad died. 18 years. And my sisters, brother, and I are finally spreading his ashes. My grandmother had them in her closet for 18 years, and now that she has passed away, we can finally lay him to rest. We've chartered a boat and we'll be scattering him at sea, which is what he wanted.  This is intense. 18 years, and I still miss him every day. And of course, Wyatt was born on my dad's birthday (what are the chances of that????) so, I feel their spirits are very close. No wonder I'm freaking out.

Random

I've been contemplating getting a 3D ultrasound and I think I'm going to do it! We didn't do it with Wyatt, but I really think it would be a nice thing to have. My mission is to call tomorrow and try to schedule it for next week. I'm thinking that would be a good time. The assistant at my OB's office (who I LOVE), said that this is a good time.

I'm still not taking a lot of belly pics. I want to, but I just don't. With Wyatt, I took them every week, hell, I posted them on Facebook!!! I even made C take one last picture when we were leaving for the hospital. It's so hard to look at. My face is all red and I'm crying and I look so, so sad. I haven't even announced this pregnancy on FB this time and there are people I haven't told yet. I'm scared. Scared of somehow making bad things happen because I tell people??!!!! I know it makes zero sense, but that's how I feel.

I bought a baby book yesterday and started to write in it. I'm really anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I know I've said this before, but I think that will really help me to feel more connected.

Seeing my nephew and my friend JF's baby, make me happy and sad. Happy because it gives me tangible proof that people have live, healthy, babies every day. And sad because I should have Wyatt. He should be 5 1/2 months old. My heart aches for him. I also think that if I hadn't lost Wyatt, I wouldn't be pregnant with his brother or sister right now. I had a BLM tell me that she had to look at her loss in the following way- If she hadn't lost her son, her daughter never would have been born. And maybe that was the way the universe intended it.

I don't understand the intentions of this universe, there are so many times that they simply don't add up for me....

Calming down

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well. I feel pretty good, except for the nausea, but I'm on Zofran and that helps enough, I have a great husband, I'm pregnant, a great family, an amazing dog, a beautiful home. I work doing what I want to, Gardening, and my hours are very flexible....And then I think of my Wyatt, and feel like I'm gasping for air. Just gasping. I can barely do it. Please don't misunderstand. I am so grateful for all the good in my life, but there is still a deep sadness I carry, and always will. I know it will dull and morph with time, like the loss of my father has, but I still feel it so close. I not only think about him all the time, but I live in fear that we'll have the same thing happen to us again. I don't think I've really mentally connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt. Maybe part of it is not knowing the sex yet, but I know that I'm trying somehow to preserve myself. I honestly have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, but that doesn't totally get rid of the panic.

Last night I had some sharp shooting pain on the left side. The first time I just ignored it, then it happened again. It was pretty intense pain. I was sure it wasn't gas. I called the Dr. even though I thought that maybe it was round ligament pain. After talking with the on call Dr., I was convinced it was round ligament pain. I didn't have it again all night. Then I woke up at 3:00 am to pee with a stomach ache. I was feeling gassy and uncomfortable and I started freaking out. What if there was something really wrong? Needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep until 5:30 am. I woke up exhausted, but got all ready for work, and then while I waited for my sister, JA, who works for me, I decided to use my doppler and check the heart beat. I couldn't find it. I freaked out. I got up moved around and tried again, still I couldn't find it. That was when C came in to tell me he was leaving. I told him I couldn't find it and he freaked out, too. Which made me freak out more. He had to get rid of my sister who had shown up by then. When he came back in, I tried again, and found it, Thank god!!! I called the OB and they fit me in for mid morning. Everything was fine. He found the heartbeat right away. He thinks that the pain may have been my ovary, because I had some tenderness when he pushed on the area.

After that I was emotionally exhausted . My sister, JR, and her husband were down for the day and I had planned on meeting them for a late lunch, so I did. It was nice to sit and relax with them. I'm realizing that I'm not taking the time to enjoy this pregnancy. I really need to start being more relaxed. I feel like this week has been particularly emotional for me. I had to bring my grandmother's cat to the vet to be put down on Monday (There was no one to take him after my grandmother's death, he was 21 1/2 years old...). It was devastating to me. I didn't think it would be that bad, it was what she wanted. He never would have made it at a shelter and all us kids have dogs. I guess I felt like it was the last little piece of her. The vet said..."This is NOT the way to start a week." I guess he was right.

So, my goal now is to try to calm down. I need to enjoy this time. Oh, and my anatomy scan is scheduled for August 16th!! I'm also going to meet with a Perientologist at the same time so that we can get a plan together for the rest of this pregnancy.

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep!

6 Months

Today is Wyatt's 6 month birthday. Happy Birthday beautiful boy. We miss you so much.

I definitely had a hard time last night. C had taken a 1/2 day and gone to lunch with a friend and then when I finally called him at around 6:30 (because he still wasn't home) it seemed like he was having a lot of fun and not ready to come home yet. I kind of freaked out, because he's been helping me with my Loven.ox shots and I hadn't done it on my own yet. I've given myself plenty of shots, but I was really nervous about giving this one. It went fine. I actually feel better about everything now, because it's not frightening at all! I think I did a damn good job!

I'm feeling nauseous after I eat pretty much anything, which is fine with me, it's like a little bit of reassurance. The boobs are also pretty sore, and I've been getting heartburn. I have some aching in my lower abdomen off and on, it's not cramping, almost like a feeling you'd get after working out too much, just lower down. I had the same thing with Wyatt, so I hope this is a good sign. We love you HIP baby (ies)!!! (HIP, because the embryos were graded HIP (High Implantation Probability).)

Poetry-6 Days till Beta!

C and I both heard this poem this morning on NPR. It made me cry. So well put. I am thinking about my sweet little Wyatt. Mommy and Daddy miss you every moment.

"Written on the Due Date of a Son Never Born."
by David Wojahn

Echinacea, Bee Balm, Aster, Trumpet Vine, 

I watch your mother bend to prune, 

water sluicing silver from the hose. 

Another morning you will never see. 

Summer solstice, 

dragonflies flare, the un-petaled rose.

Six A.M. and already she's breaking down,

hose flung to the sidewalk where it snakes and pulses in a steady keening glitter,

 both hands to her face. 

That much I can give you of these hours. 

That much only, 

fists and blossom forged by salt,

trellising your wounded helixes against our days. 

Tell us how to live for we are shades,

facing, caged, the chastening sun. 

Our eyes are scorched and lidless.

 We cannot bear your light.

SATURDAY- Stims Day 2

It's Saturday and for the first time in a long, long time, I have demanded that C and I take a break together. Everything seems to conspire against us most of the time. He's been so busy working on that damn barn, I've started my gardening business back up and I've been working non-stop with our rental properties. Because we don't have regular 9-5 jobs, I fell like we're always working, or talking about work. That doesn't even take into account all the normal house cleaning, etc. AND we have 3 acres which are still full of leaves. We never got to it in the fall.

So, today we're trying to ignore what "needs" to get done and enjoy ourselves. About to head out. C thinks I have some secret plan, but I don't. I'm just going to load up our beloved pup, Lux, and see where the day takes the three of us. It's our family day. A much needed one. I of course can't help thinking about our Wyatt and wishing he was here. Love you, Wyatt.

I Survived!

So, I survived! The time that I got to spend with my sister, JR, mending our relationship was worth enduring the shower.

For the most part I was fine at the shower. There was a moment when one of JR's friends, who she is not close to at all, asked if it was my mom's first grandchild. She asked me, I couldn't answer, I would've started crying. I just nodded. If I could have spoken clearly without tears, I would have said, "No, I lost my son, Wyatt, he was the first grandchild." But, I couldn't and I didn't.

I will write more tomorrow. Today was VERY long and so was yesterday, I'm headed to bed.

Lupron...Day 4

Today was my 4th Lupron shot and I did it at my mom's house. The last time I was here, I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Wyatt. I was full of hope and so happy and excited. Now, I'm here, for my sister's baby shower, it's tomorrow. This trip has actually been fine. My sister and I had a nice talk in the car on the way here, I picked her and her dog up. I've had a few moments that were hard, but all in all, I'd say, I'm doing okay.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. One stupid comment from someone, could make me cry. I feel pretty strong tonight, though, and all I can do is hope I feel that way tomorrow, too.

I have a good feeling about this cycle, and I'm holding onto that.

Strength

It continues to amaze me how many people in my everyday life have experienced a stillbirth, or a late miscarriage themselves or know someone who has.

There are still some people that we haven't seen since we lost Wyatt, and C ran into quite a few of them today. He went to check on a property we own and the neighbor came by. She had been so happy that I was pregnant. The property that he was checking was where we lived before our house now, we're renovating it so we can rent it. It's where C lived when I met him and I had really bonded with this neighbor. I've been avoiding her. I check the property at times when I know that she's at work so I won't run into her and if I see she's home, I won't stop. I just couldn't handle telling her, so she came over to C while he was there and of course asked if I'd had the baby. He had to tell her. He said she started shaking and almost fell over. It turns out her son lost his first baby, too. She said it took her son three years to get over it. People never talk about dead babies, they just don't. I understand. I talk about my loss with those who know about it but not with those who don't or the people that are new in my life. It makes sense. I find it so sad that there are so many people that have been through this. And then there's another part of me that draws strength from knowing that so many others have been here and survived.

So, I'm trying to look forward to this upcoming cycle. Only 10 days till I start my Lupron. The third time's a charm....right? 

Ugh...

I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been really stressed over the renovation of one of our commercial properties, and getting the lease signed, etc. Plus I've been helping with my sister, JR's baby shower. She gave me a list of names without addresses, which meant I had to go onto her Facebook, look many of these people up and send them messages that said I needed their addresses and I was planning a baby shower for her. Some of them probably know about my situation, but I'm sure most of them don't. I got a lot of replies with, "Oh, she's pregnant, you must be so happy and excited!". And with every reply like that, I wanted to write back..."No, not really, this is extremely hard for me, because I lost my son who should have been born by now. I should have had a baby shower, but I didn't." I'm doing this baby shower with my mom, because I know that if I don't, I'll regret it later. I love her, and if I could wipe away all of the jealousy I feel towards every person I know who can not only get pregnant by accident, but stay pregnant by accident, then yes, I am excited. I already love my nephew, even though he's not born yet. But I think I'm having an even harder time, because JR has been consistently upset during her pregnancy and everyone has walked on eggshells around her. When she didn't come to see me after I lost Wyatt, it was because it was "too hard" for her. When she didn't call me on my due date, the explanation was that it was "too hard" for her. I did actually call her on that, and she apologized, and admitted that she didn't handle it well. Now, here I am helping with her shower, and I don't hear anyone saying to me, "Wow, this must be hard for you.." Maybe it's because her and I are such different people. She yells and screams and tells people what she expects, and I just tend to go with the flow. I may say I'm having a hard time, but I don't scream about it.
I am having a hard time. And now I have a failed IVF attempt since we lost Wyatt. I thought I was ok with that, I really did, but I am so sad about it. I just think that life is so fucking unfair. So unfair. All that I've ever wanted was a family. And of course JR has a lot of unmarried, pregnant, oops friends who will be at the shower. Ugh.......

Still Waiting (2 Days)

Yesterday was terrible. I think the stress has really caught up with me and I just can't handle it. I cry about everything. It started with what was on TV in the morning and by the end of the day, I was still crying. I am really missing Wyatt. And of course since my due date just passed, I'm getting all these stupid things in the mail, like portrait deals for your new baby. Ugh!
I'm ready to know. I am finding myself preparing for the worst, but of course still hoping for the best. I didn't write yesterday, because I was trying to distract myself. But I decided that it's better to just get it out today. I'm supposed to be working on the damn taxes, but I just can't focus.
So, 2 more days. Hurry up and wait. 

Our beautiful boy, Wyatt...

Better Day (7 Days)

Today was a better day. I think a combination of the stress and that damn progesterone are making me all wacky. I did cry a few times today, but not quite as hysterically, and let's face it, normally I'm a cryer anyway! I got out and ran some errands this morning and I'm chasing around lawyers to get this lease drawn up for our new tenant. I'm a gardener with my own business and this is, fortunately, my usual "winter break". I do have one job that I do all winter, but that's just Friday mornings. I bring a lot of their plants inside and they're out of the country for the winter. It's just me and the housekeeper. Yes, they have a housekeeper who works all winter even though there's no one there! And, no, she doesn't have time to water the plants. Too funny, huh?

I've decided to write a letter to the person I have been feeling hurt by. For me, I think it's the only way for me to really get it off my chest. I have no intentions of being mean, I want them to know how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I think that when some people feel guilt it comes out in other ways. Some people just have no idea how to deal with the fact that Wyatt died. And then some people really surprise me, they want to talk about him, and they seem to be genuinely worried about me and C. So, tomorrow, I'm going to write this person a letter.

Ok, so I have been trying really hard not to analyze any symptoms. But, I mean really, it's nearly impossible not to be focused on every little twinge! I really can't compare to last time because of the hospital experience. I have of course been obsessively googling. Yesterday, I had some twinges in my uterus, they were pretty strong. They went away and then I had some AF like cramps last night in bed. And all day I've had some aching in my uterus. Along with the sore boobies, the wave of nausea from today, and the exhaustion. These could be good signs? And would be pregnancy signs if...if...if I weren't on that darn progesterone that gives you all these symptoms.

Breakdowns (8 days)

Today was a bad day. Somehow it was worse than yesterday, which Wyatt's  due date and I had anticipated being hard. I felt crappy yesterday. Really dizzy. I'm assuming from the progesterone that I'm on. So, I basically just vegged on the couch for most of the day. I spent a lot of time thinking about Wyatt, and telling him how much we miss him.

I got some nice messages from friends, and one unexpected one from one of my aunts. She lost a baby between my two cousins to Trisomy 18 (I'm pretty sure it was 18) at 15 weeks and she really understood when we lost Wyatt. I never knew she'd lost a baby. I would have been about 18 or 19 at the time, but no one talked about it. There were some people who I expected to reach out to me, who didn't, people who are very close to me in my life. I really tried not to let it bother me, but this morning, C and I were going over a contract I had to fax to the contractor and he started to be mean to me. I lost it. I told him he was mean and I deserved better. Then I started crying, and I couldn't stop. I was hysterical. He had no idea what to say, but obviously I wasn't crying about the stupid contract! We talked for a few hours. It wasn't really just that I hadn't heard from this person, it was that our entire relationship has changed, and I find it overwhelmingly sad. I guess I feel a great sense of loss. And I can't even say anything to them, because there will be crying, and I'm sure that I will somehow end up being reprimanded for "upsetting" this person. I'm just sad, really sad.

I ended up breaking down again on the phone with my mom, trying to make her understand how I feel. She really does try, I have to hand it to her. And I know that she always has my best interest at heart. I know she doesn't usually read this, but incase she does..Thanks, Mom! Love You.....

So, 8 days!!! Amazing, tomorrow will be just a week. It's almost surreal to me. Last time at this point, right now, I was in the hospital with huge ovaries and cysts on them. I was actually in the pediatrics unit overnight, so I could have my own nurse. They were so nice to me. Even so, I'm super thankful to be in my own bed, without unbearable pain! And the damn drugs for the pain that made me throw-up! Boy that Wyatt was a tough cookie! He made it through that.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day.

Missing Wyatt (10 Days)

I'm really missing my Wyatt today. Yes, tomorrow is his due date, but that's not the only reason. I know that the whole dead baby thing makes people uncomfortable, but why is it that people just keep telling me to move on? Obviously, I am moving on, but I won't ever pretend that this didn't happen! I think that's what people expect. That as I move on, they won't have to hear about him. Well, guess what..... Part of me moving on is talking about him and remembering him.

I have one friend who is pregnant right now, J, and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her. She lets me talk about whatever the hell I want to. I never feel like she's trying to change the subject or just listening, but wanting to change the conversation. She asks questions, and genuinely wants to hear the answers. Thank god for her. I also have my friend, D, she's amazing, too. I've mentioned both of these friends before...D was pregnant friend #3 who had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. She's been through her own roller coaster and she's still been there for me every step of the way. It's like she knows just when to text, or call. My mother has been going through her own stuff, but has been there for me. And my step father (he's not really my step father anymore, he's my sister's father but he's not married to my mom anymore) has been wonderful. He calls me all the time and although we've always been close, I feel closer to him than ever.

There are only a few people in my everyday life who know we're trying again: My mom, my friends, J&D, and my grandparents best friends. I didn't tell my sister who's pregnant, mainly because she is so stressed out with her pregnancy and everything she's been going through. Also, I can't talk about Wyatt with her. I think it scares her, being pregnant and all. But it hurts me that she doesn't even want to see a picture of him. I guess I feel like, so what, it might make you cry. Is that so awful? He's your nephew. She's really not in a place where I can have a conversation about any of this with her, and that's ok, but I can't share select pieces and omit any of my thoughts or feelings that might upset her. And because of that, I've decided not even involve her until I've gotten my BFP and had my first ultrasound. Sometimes I think this is the wrong approach, because she might be angry that I hadn't been sharing all along, but this is what I need to do for myself. I have two other sisters and a brother, but I'm the closest with her. My other siblings wouldn't expect me to share any of this with them. I didn't tell my step father, because I didn't want to put him in an awkward situation.

So, Happy Valentines Day. I'm thinking about you my little Wyatt. I love you.

Thinking...

I have all our Christmas stuff down in the basement and today while I was out I finally got some much needed plastic bins to better organize it. We didn't do anything for Christmas this year. I just didn't have the energy to put up all the lights and to hang all the decorations. We didn't get a tree, there were no presents. I was fine with this, this was what I wanted. But today when I was organizing the Christmas stuff, I got sad. I love Christmas. It's by far my favorite time of the year. I've always felt there's something magical about it. That whole time of the year is magical to me. I love baking cookies and wrapping presents. I love the smell of the pine. I love buying things for people and surprising them. I love my surprises. I love it all. I was still so sad at that time, I just couldn't do it. I'm sad now, but it's different. It's like the fog has lifted a little. If Christmas came again next week, I could do it. I would cry, but I would rather do it than not do it.

When I realized this, I saw how far I've come from even a little over a month ago. The dates and numbers don't dance in my head as often as they used to. Sunday was 12 weeks since Wyatt was born, and Monday would've marked 38 weeks if I'd still been pregnant. Maybe it's because I have new numbers dancing in my head. I've had 5 days of stims, I'll have a 2 week wait... Even as the time passes, I still think about Wyatt every day, I miss him, everyday. I think a lot about how my father died so young. He was 38. I cannot even imagine the pain my grandparents felt when he died. I think of that every time I see my grandmother. I understand how she can barely admit that he ever existed. That's not my way, but it's hers.

I had my ultrasound today and blood work. There were multiple follicles on both sides and 3 measurable on the right. My right side always responds better. This is the side that I had the problem with all the cysts and ended up in the hospital after the embryo transfer last time. Let's hope it behaves this time! The nurse said my estrogen was rising very well, and I'm on the same dose and another ultrasound and blood on Friday.