Calming down

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well. I feel pretty good, except for the nausea, but I'm on Zofran and that helps enough, I have a great husband, I'm pregnant, a great family, an amazing dog, a beautiful home. I work doing what I want to, Gardening, and my hours are very flexible....And then I think of my Wyatt, and feel like I'm gasping for air. Just gasping. I can barely do it. Please don't misunderstand. I am so grateful for all the good in my life, but there is still a deep sadness I carry, and always will. I know it will dull and morph with time, like the loss of my father has, but I still feel it so close. I not only think about him all the time, but I live in fear that we'll have the same thing happen to us again. I don't think I've really mentally connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt. Maybe part of it is not knowing the sex yet, but I know that I'm trying somehow to preserve myself. I honestly have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, but that doesn't totally get rid of the panic.

Last night I had some sharp shooting pain on the left side. The first time I just ignored it, then it happened again. It was pretty intense pain. I was sure it wasn't gas. I called the Dr. even though I thought that maybe it was round ligament pain. After talking with the on call Dr., I was convinced it was round ligament pain. I didn't have it again all night. Then I woke up at 3:00 am to pee with a stomach ache. I was feeling gassy and uncomfortable and I started freaking out. What if there was something really wrong? Needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep until 5:30 am. I woke up exhausted, but got all ready for work, and then while I waited for my sister, JA, who works for me, I decided to use my doppler and check the heart beat. I couldn't find it. I freaked out. I got up moved around and tried again, still I couldn't find it. That was when C came in to tell me he was leaving. I told him I couldn't find it and he freaked out, too. Which made me freak out more. He had to get rid of my sister who had shown up by then. When he came back in, I tried again, and found it, Thank god!!! I called the OB and they fit me in for mid morning. Everything was fine. He found the heartbeat right away. He thinks that the pain may have been my ovary, because I had some tenderness when he pushed on the area.

After that I was emotionally exhausted . My sister, JR, and her husband were down for the day and I had planned on meeting them for a late lunch, so I did. It was nice to sit and relax with them. I'm realizing that I'm not taking the time to enjoy this pregnancy. I really need to start being more relaxed. I feel like this week has been particularly emotional for me. I had to bring my grandmother's cat to the vet to be put down on Monday (There was no one to take him after my grandmother's death, he was 21 1/2 years old...). It was devastating to me. I didn't think it would be that bad, it was what she wanted. He never would have made it at a shelter and all us kids have dogs. I guess I felt like it was the last little piece of her. The vet said..."This is NOT the way to start a week." I guess he was right.

So, my goal now is to try to calm down. I need to enjoy this time. Oh, and my anatomy scan is scheduled for August 16th!! I'm also going to meet with a Perientologist at the same time so that we can get a plan together for the rest of this pregnancy.

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep!

Nothing Worse...

My grandmother always says "Nothing worse.". She will say this in reference to ridiculous things. Like the mailman never closes the mailbox- "Nothing worse.".

My mother told me the other day that she had a long talk with someone she works with. He and his wife have a beautiful two year old baby girl. She told him about Wyatt and about our journey with IVF. He told my mother that he and his wife went through 6 IVF cycles. She had 5 miscarriages. One was as late as 16 weeks. And now they have a beautiful baby girl. He told my mother to tell me that this is the hardest thing that we will ever go through. And to take solace in this. To know that life will be downhill from here. My mom didn't get it at first. But the minute she said it, I thought...."Nothing worse." Because there is nothing worse. And he's right, I draw strength from what we've been through and what we're going through every day. I know there will be other hard times, but I feel like if I can get through loosing my child, I CAN get through anything.