Still here!!! Update!

First an apology...I am SO far behind reading and commenting on everybody's blogs! I'm sorry, and I swear I'll catch up.

I want to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas. We had a nice holiday. Just us. It was quiet. I really missed the big family gathering feeling, but C tried very hard to make it special. It was the first Christmas since I lost my grandmother, Mema, and I was pretty emotional. We always spent Christmas Eve at her house and even though the turkey had been cooked days earlier, the ham was super dry, and the cherry cheesecake was ALWAYS burned, there was no place like Mema's for Christmas!!

I'm doing well...38 weeks 3 days today. Last Monday (37 weeks) we had an ultrasound and he looks great! A big boy! He was 7lbs 4oz!! And he was in the 66th percentile. I've been an emotional wreck since last week's appointment. Dr. P made some bizarre comments that I of course went over and over and drove myself crazy about. When he checked my cervix at 37.3 weeks, I was still very high and firm. The week before, he'd gone from "we'll set your induction for sometime during the 39th week" to "let's see where you're at and hope you're cervix is cooperating". So last week, (37.3 weeks) he says that I'm definitely not in a favorable position for an induction. He then adds in that I have a very high cervix (I knew this, but never thought of it as an issue) and I have a small pelvis. He said that he's just not sure I won't end up with a c-section no matter what. He said Id be much better off if I let my body get closer on its own. Although I was surprised to hear this, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to let me go past my due date. So I asked and he said well, not by more than a few days. Then he went into the we'll see next week mantra.

I freaked out when I got home and pretty much all week. I'm crazy right now anyway, and I feel like I'm so close. I'm deathly afraid that one extra day could be a bad idea. I know it's not rational, but it's my reality!

So, this week, C came to my appointment. Thank god, because he's much better at asking all the right questions.and he was awesome. I was still high (but not quite as high) and I was tight, but we discussed it and given the pros and cons of my situation, we've decided to induce next week no matter what. I'm scheduled to go in on Thursday January 6th @ 4:00pm!! Yay!! We originally were shooting for Monday, but the hospital schedule is very busy and he suggested Thursday. I think that it will also give my body a little more time to get on board!

I'm so excited. I cannot wait to meet baby Jackson.






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Pictures!!!

The nursery

The nursery

The nursery

Me at my shower...31 weeks 6 days

The belly- 35 weeks 3 days

Lux chilling with her animal friends!

A picture is worth a thousand words, right?

Sunday

I've been thinking a lot lately about the holidays last year. It was awful. We didn't decorate anything, we didn't get a tree. I just couldn't do it. I was too depressed, and C doesn't care. If it wasn't for me, he certainly wouldn't bother. I did go to my sister, JR's house, for a lunch and to exchange some gifts with my mom and stepdad. I also went to my grandmother's on Xmas eve. C didn't do either of these things with me, but I felt like I'd feel more depressed if I didn't do them.

This year is so different...thank god. We have a beautiful tree that makes me smile. I've decorated and there are presents under the tree. I baked. Jackson should be here right after the New Year. These are all wonderful things. But there is still sadness that I keep trying to shake. My mom lives about 3 1/2 hours away and I can't go there for Christmas, and although she was supposed to come today with my sister, JR, my brother in-law, H, and my Nephew, baby T, the threat of a storm caused her to cancel. The rest of them are still coming because they only live about an hour and a half away, but I wish I was going to see my mom. The rest of my siblings (I share a mom with JR, and with my other 2 sisters, JA and A as well as my brother, B, I share a father.) and I see each other every Christmas Eve at my fraternal grandmother's house. But not this year. She died in July. Our first Christmas Eve without Mema. So sad. Normally I would probably be the one the pick up the tradition, but C is really not festive, he's an only child and doesn't seem to long for those family interactions on the Holidays. I certainly couldn't have really done it this year anyway. Just too much for me. We were invited to a friend's Christmas Eve party, but of course, C doesn't want to go. What else is new. I would go just for the interaction and to feel that Holiday cheer. I told him he better get with the program, because once we have Jackson we WILL be doing the holidays. There will be no more Grinch! I find it depressing to spend the entire time (we did Thanksgiving alone, too) with just C, his father, and myself. His father could totally care less. He won't even acknowledge that it's a Holiday. He sat down to a big Thanksgiving dinner with us and acted as though it was any other night. Not a word. Of course this is a man who does not seem to care at all about me being pregnant, but actually jumped out of his chair because he was so excited that I'd gotten a new car! C was devastated by that. Anyway, I'm so grateful that I have so many wonderful things in my life, right now, but I am vowing that next year, I will see my family on the Holidays, and I will enjoy them to the fullest. I try to see myself climbing out of the hole that I fell in last year, and standing in the sunlight...

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning and an appointment with the Peri, Dr. H. I also have a bunch of nursery pics to post and some belly pics, so I'll do that tomorrow. I'd do it now, but I'm not on my computer.

I hope that everyone is enjoying the last weekend before Christmas!





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Prayers...Please...

First of all, things are wonderful with me. Jackson continues to ace his NST and things are moving along really well. I feel like I'm in a major time crunch with the Holidays and everything all thrown together, but as the days tick by, I'm getting more and more excited for my baby boy!

One of my dearest friends, who I've mentioned before, D, recently found out she was pregnant here's a little about her in this post.  She had some spotting Tuesday and although her HCG levels were good, her progesterone was low. The plan was for her to start progesterone today, but her HCG levels didn't rise in today's test. She was devastated and the OB told her she was probably miscarrying. They sent her for an ultrasound and low and behold there was a heartbeat! She will be 7 weeks tomorrow, and she's starting the progesterone tonight. If you could please just keep her in your prayers.

I will be posting way more soon! i have my final ultrasound Monday! 

Dates and other stuff

I asked the OB about the induction and he responded with a rather odd answer. I'm wondering if it has something to do with him and the Peri and maybe a little competition?? Maybe it was the way I put it?

Me- "So, I saw Dr. H on Monday and he asked if we'd set a date for my induction? I told him we hadn't discussed it yet. Are you planning on inducing? Dr. H said he was going to put a note for you with the ultrasound results."

Dr. P- "Well, that won't be until 39 weeks. And we need to make sure your cervix is cooperating. I'll start internal exams at 36 weeks. But it's not until 39 weeks."

Me- "Right, he said 39 weeks, I think he just wondered if we'd discussed it and had a date."

Dr. P- "Well, it's not until 39 weeks."

My guess is that in some ways Dr. P gets annoyed with Dr. H who just seems to swoop in and bark orders. That said, um, 39 weeks is kinda freaking close!!! It's not like I'm only 20 weeks here. I'll be 35 weeks on Monday! That gives me 4 weeks to the big 39 weeks. I'm a planner, I like to know. He softened up a bit and said that I could easily go before that or there could be other reasons to induce me sooner. He said that we'll shoot for the 3rd or 4th. Ya know, assuming my cervix cooperates!

I am so excited! So excited!

I promise to take pics this weekend of the nursery, and we're putting up the tree Saturday.


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Busy week!

I know I've been a slacker lately. I have many reasons, but none of them are very good! I think the main reason is that I always blogged at night in bed and now with my big belly, I really can't seem to find a position that I can type in.

Soooo...things are great here! I had an ultrasound on Monday which was 34 weeks and he looks fabulous. He's a big boy now...5 lbs 4 oz!!! Wooohooo! The Peri wants my OB to induce. I had thought this would be par for the course when I first got pregnant, but honestly I haven't had the conversation with my OB. The Peri said around 39 weeks. Sounds good to me. I had an OB appointment on Tuesday, but he had to run out right when I got there to go deliver, so I'm going in tomorrow morning. For some reason, an induction actually makes me excited. Maybe because it'll give me an exact date?

The nursery is looking amazing. I'm so happy with it. I promise pics, but we still have to put up his name and the decals, they just came today, then I'll take the pics.

AND...Yesterday, we bought a new SUV!!! We went looking on Monday, and found an amazing deal on what is seriously my dream SUV. Someone traded in a 2010 with only 4700 miles on it because she had really wanted the Ivory interior instead of the almond. Soooo, we got an amazing deal on a practically brand new vehicle that we wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford!!! I promise pics when we get it. I couldn't find the title for my car, so I had to apply for a new one. I'm hoping we'll get the whole thing worked out next week. YAY!!!!

I just wanted to mention one of my best friends. Last year she had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. It was in January, and she's been plagued with issues since then. I am so happy for her and her husband...she texted me a picture of a positive pregnancy test on Monday!!!! She's keeping it hush until Christmas when she'll tell her family. Ironically, that's when she told them last year, too. I just wanted to ask everyone to say a prayer for her and that baby growing inside her. She's an amazing person and she's made this last year and this pregnancy easier for me. She's ALWAYS there for me. I know how much she wants a baby and I'm praying that this is it for her.

A Day Late With a Million Things To Say

First, let me welcome everyone from ICLW...Welcome!!! This is a little about my story.

I have so many post floating around in my head it's getting ridiculous. I'm going to write more the next few days, even if it's in little bits, I promise.

First, things are great here. I fell down last week sending me to L&D for 4 freaking hours of monitoring, but all was well. My shower was AMAZING, and I will definitely do a post about that soon. I started my NST each week last week and I have one tomorrow after my weekly OB appointment. I'll do a post about my feelings regarding this, too.

Hmmmm....there's soooo much more! I'm hardly sleeping at all between the dreaming and peeing. I'm excited about Thanksgiving, and can't wait for Christmas! C has one more day of painting and then we can start putting the nursery together!!!! Everything is here, crib, changing table, dresser, etc, etc.

I promise more to come!


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30% off

I also wanted to share this with everyone. I'm planning on getting some Christmas shopping done!

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from November 11-14 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we'll make a 5% donation to a non-profit."

Felling Better

I just wanted to give a quick update and thank everyone for all their comments and hugs and love. I'm feeling WAY better. Even though I'm exhausted by about 2:00 pm these days, I feel a million times better than I did on Monday. My OB appointment went well yesterday, and Monday I have a cardiologist appointment. My OB doesn't seem too worried, but he definitely wants me to make sure that I get to the bottom of this.

I went to my knitting class tonight and the teacher had knit Jackson a sweater, 2 hats and mittens! I'll post some pics soon. They are adorable. This woman is the nicest freaking lady!!!

No, not today.

Today is Wyatt's birthday. It's also my father's birthday. My father died 18 years ago at the age of 38 from a massive heart attack. He didn't even know he was sick.

At 2:46am this morning, I woke up and had to pee. Not at all unusual. It had been about 2 hours. I looked at the time, like I always do, peed and walked back to the bed. For some reason, I felt uneasy. The kind of anxious feeling you get when someone has just given you bad news. Although I was very aware of what today is, I wasn't thinking about that, I had actually been dreaming about the floor that C is putting down in the nursery. Then, it happened. My heart started beating super fast. I waited a minute, took a deep breath, and it was even faster. It felt like it was coming out of my chest. I woke C up.  
This isn't the only time this has happened. About 3 1/2 year ago, it happened for the first time. Totally out of the blue, and lasted for a little over 1/2 a hour. It's a horrible feeling. At the time, after wearing a monitor, a cardiologist diagnosed me with what he said was an extra pathway. A kind of electrical short. Sometimes the wrong path is chosen and the rhythm gets stuck and causes a tachycardia.  

I've had this happen a couple of times since being pregnant, but not like this. Both times it lasted only a few seconds. C made me sit down. It still was cranking, and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I started to freak out. "No! Not today!".  C of course tried to keep me calm. We know what it is he kept saying, but it wasn't going away. I felt like I was going to pass out, I hadn't felt Jackson move. I automatically started to get dressed. C kept saying do you want me to call an ambulance or bring you. I could just see myself passing out in the car. So, we called an ambulance. It took them about another 15-20 minutes to get there, the police arrived first. They were nice. By this time I was shaking, C kept asking if I was cold. No, I was scared. When the rescue guys finally got in there and started up the monitor, etc, my blood pressure was still really high, but my heart rate had come down. I was shaking uncontrollably. One of the rescue guys seemed annoyed with this and kept telling me to calm down. Years ago, when my mother-in-law fell down the stairs we had this guy and he was rude then, too. I ignored him. And I was thankful that he didn't come with us in the ambulance! My blood pressure then dropped really low in the ambulance and the guy kept asking my if my blood pressure was usually really low. This of course made me nervous, too! And C didn't ride with me, because there would have been no one to drive us home. And there I was....back at the hospital, a year after delivering Wyatt. They ran a million tests. The ER doctor was great, and so was the nurse. They listened to Jackson and his heart rate was good. The only thing they found was that I have these premature ventricular contractions (extra heart beats), I'm anemic (which I'm on iron for) and my magnesium was low. Apparently, low magnesium can irritate your heart's rhythm, and if you have an underlying condition, make it worse, so they gave me some magnesium in my IV and then I could leave.

I have an appointment with the cardiologist next Monday and I see my OB tomorrow. I'm exhausted. When we got home around 8:00am, I couldn't sleep. I kept dozing off and waking up anxious and feeling like I wasn't breathing.

I know everything will be fine. I know it will be. And Jackson has been kicking and rolling away in there. Today I'm relaxing on the couch. Nothing more. I just want to say again how blessed I am to have my OB...he's amazing. He called me right back and explained everything that he knows about this type of thing.

On another note, my shower is Saturday, and I'm actually really excited. I may have to call some friends to help with the cleaning, because it's here!!!

A Year Ago Today....

A year ago today, my life changed forever. It was a Friday. I woke up and headed to work, but something felt wrong. Wyatt really had never moved all that much. I think he moved more at 18 weeks than at 25 when I look back. That day, though, things felt different. I never thought I would hear those words from the ultrasound tech. Never. I never thought that we would loose him. Whenever those thoughts had crept into my mind, I thought for sure I was being crazy. I remember sitting up on the ultrasound table and screaming and screaming "no!!!", and then, being who I am, I realized that I was at the OB and other pregnant women could hear me, I started saying I was sorry. God, I was worried about scaring people! The night that followed was horrible. I had been encouraged to go home and get stuff together and then I could come back and they would induce. I waited for my mom and step dad to get there and then I called, the OB I had seen was off duty and the new OB (a woman who only works weekends at the hospital and I REALLY do not like) wouldn't let me come in because there weren't enough beds. It wasn't until mid afternoon on Saturday that they took me. They started my induction and baby Wyatt was born at 2:09 am Sunday, November 8, 2009. He was 1 lb 13 oz. He was beautiful. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him. That I don't miss him.

This year is different. I has been so difficult. When I think back to those first weeks I was home, I'm amazed that I've made it this far. I wasn't sure I'd be able to leave the house again in the beginning. I don't agree that time actually heals wounds, but time does allow you to get far enough away to see things differently. I'm not sure how I made it through in the beginning. Love and support? And some days, I'm still not sure I'm going to make it through. Grief can be overwhelming when you least expect it.

I am so thankful for Jackson Wyatt. I can't wait for his safe arrival, and I know that Watt is keeping us both safe until that day comes.

I will leave you with a picture of Jackson and a picture of Wyatt, my boys....

Top: Jackson @ 30 weeks

Bottom:Wyatt- Born at 25 weeks 6 days

29 Weeks 2 days...Still here!!

Hi! I have been all over the place and haven't blogged in what seems like forever. I also apologize for my lack of consistent commenting. I think part of it is I used to sit in bed at night and do these things and now the big belly is in the way! There's no more typing in bed, it just doesn't work out very well.

Soooo...things are going really well. I passed my glucose test with flying colors. Of course I had myself convinced I was going to fail and was completely nervous the whole time! And I found out last week that I'm anemic. I knew something was off, because I was getting headaches and feeling really tired. My next ultrasound is on Monday the 1st, and I can't wait to see Jackson and see how big he is. I know he must have grown significantly because, well, I have, and his movements are more intense. I feel a ton of rolling and although he still kicks a lot, there's more pushing and rolling around, and he seems to be covering more surface area. Like I'll feel him all over at once. He favors the right and that makes me nervous because I know that's where the placenta is. Which I'm sure means nothing really, I just don't want him to bash it too much!!!

My Birthday is next week, Wednesday. I have mixed emotions about it. Last year, it was horrible. C and I fought most of the day, I can't remember why, but I'm sure it was for some stupid reason! We were supposed to go out for dinner and didn't and we watched this horrible movie with a lady who had had a stillbirth. Then 3 days later we found out we'd lost Wyatt, and he was born on November 8th (which is my father's birthday. He passed away 18 years ago.). A week that I'd like to skip. C keeps telling me they're just dates. I know that, but they're not just dates to me.

My stepfather sent me a gift certificate to get a massage with my FAVORITE massage therapist, K. So I decided to book that on Monday, and then while I was booking it, I all of a sudden decided that I was going to add a facial. Honestly, I don't even know why, but I was just feeling it! I am trying to be positive and believe that everything is going great and will continue to go great.

I really want to do something special to honor Wyatt and my dad on their birthday, but I haven't figured it out yet...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today I'm remembering my beautiful Wyatt and all the other babies who left us too soon. I also want to thank all my friends and family who lit candles tonight. It means so much to C and I. Sending lots of love to everyone.

90 Days to go!!!

Hi! I haven't been a very good blogger lately. Every time I sit down to write, I can't. I think I've been scared. Getting through these past two weeks or so has been hard. I worry about everything anyway, but passing the time in my pregnancy when I lost Wyatt (25 weeks 4 days) and the time when he was born (25 weeks 6 days), was huge for me. Emotionally, I have found myself missing Wyatt more and more. I get sad that he never made it to this point, I see his beautiful little face and I wonder Why??? Why did that have to happen to him. Please don't misunderstand, I am so excited about Jackson, but it's hard for me to feel joy without sadness.

At 25 weeks 3 days, which was an incredibly scary day for me regardless, I had a really scary incident. It was really hot, 80's, and humid. C and I went to take a look at the renovations on our building that were supposed to be finished. We were meeting the new tenant so we could give him his key. It was horrible. The job was not at all finished, the contractor had been lying, and he and C started arguing about EVERYTHING!!! Meanwhile, I started having contractions, they weren't super painful,but they were pretty frequent. It was really hot in there because there was no air and I realized I must be dehydrated. I went to the store we rent one of the downstairs spaces to and bought three waters and a juice and started drinking them quickly. I didn't want to alarm C, so I kept checking on them, and throwing in my two cents, or telling them to stop yelling and then I would duck out. Between the stress and the dehydration, I had about 8 contractions in an hour and a half. Finally I went a half an hour without one, we semi-resolved things and we left. I told C about the contractions and called the on call OB. By the time I heard back from the OB on call (it wasn't my Doctor), I had finally eaten (It was almost 10:00pm), and I'd only had two contractions in the forty five minutes. He told me to rest and keep drinking the water. I ended up fine, but I was so panicked that something bad was going to happen, that 25 weeks 4 days would be another horrible day. I made it through. Even though today is 27 weeks 1 day, I know that every day I'm still going to be scared. Every day, I miss Wyatt, everyday I breathe a sigh of relief when the day is over and I'm one more day closer to holding baby Jackson.

We had an ultrasound today and he looks great. 2 lbs 4 oz, and no longer breech!!! I keep telling him it won't be that much longer! C took me out for a fabulous dinner tonight and we had a really nice time just talking about non work related stuff, which we never really seem to do anymore. It was wonderful.


My mom and my sister, JR, are planning my baby shower for November 13th and I'm really excited. I can't wait. I'm going to leave you guys with a picture of my nephew, T. He's my sister JR's baby and he's precious. He was born May 17, 2010....

Baby T...My mom always says he looks like a burrito swaddled

Ultrasound And Contest Winner

Baby Jackson Wyatt 25 weeks

The ultrasound went great!!! Jackson is right on track. We could actually tell from the 3D that he's getting fatter, the pictures look a little less alien like. He wouldn't turn around and give us a full frontal, but the tech snuck in from the side. He was aware of her trying to be sneaky and was kicking and punching her. It was pretty funny. She kept asking if this was his active time of day. Of course I'd drank some juice because last time he wouldn't turn around either and she made a huge deal out of it. Now, I'm pretty sure he's just shy about showing his face!

And NOW.....for the contest winner!!!!

His weight was 1lb 12oz!!!!

THE WINNER IS:

Cheryl from http://cheryllookingforward.blogspot.com/  
She guessed 1lb 11oz

Yay! Cheryl has a great blog and it was actually one of the first blogs that I started to follow. She just had a baby boy in May. She's been a huge inspiration to me.

I have the prize, but it's not all ready for its glamour shot (which means I haven't arranged it yet), so I'll take a picture when I get it all ready to ship out. I decided to go with the them of a little Cape Cod.

Thanks to everyone who guessed!

100th Post!!! AND A Contest!!! (with a prize)

Soooo...This is my 100th post! I can't believe it. This is a big week for me, 25 weeks 4 days is when I realized our precious Wyatt was no longer with us.  I've been trying to think of something to do and so I've come up with a contest!

Guess Jackson's weight!

I have an ultrasound tomorrow, I'll be 25 weeks. At 23 weeks he was 1lb 3oz. I have no idea what his weight will be. Whoever gets closest to the correct weight wins. All you have to do is leave me a comment with your guess. In the event of a tie, the person who guessed that weight first wins. Now, I haven't exactly decided on the prize, BUT I want everyone to rest assured that it will be fabulous. Rest assured, the one thing I'm REALLY good at is shopping!!! (C can attest to this!) I will start the contest right now, and it will close Tuesday September 28th at noon.....

I really hope people take a guess, I'm excited about this! (It's the little things that seem to be pulling me through right now...)

I'm trying to keep myself busy right now, and keep my head clear and positive. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and that seems to be the worst time for me. Somehow things are always SO much worse at night. My back is bearable in the morning, and then by noonish, it's back to limping for me. I've done some research on the sacroiliac joint and I guess this is kinda common. 

We went out with friends last night and sat in these awful metal chairs for 4 hours, I was crying in bed last night because it hurt so damn much. Of course, today, C'c friend (who was with us and has some of the stupidest comments ever) told C that his wife was totally fine up until 8 months. Apparently C mentioned that last night was a lot for me. Um, his wife was 18 when she was pregnant with their son (she's 34 now), I'm 32, AND I started with a bad back, and I've basically spent the better part of a year and a half being pregnant! I find him annoying. This is the same guy who suggested that we consult street signs to find a better name for Wyatt! And when C told him Jackson's name he said...huh, is that your final choice? Just rude. I told C, I'm surprised he hasn't said I look fat. He's not mean, just a rude idiot. His wife is constantly rolling her eyes! 

So, I'm looking forward to all your guesses! 

Happy ICLW!!

Welcome, welcome! This is my story. I'm currently 24 weeks 1 day pregnant with Wyatt's little brother, Jackson.

As I type this, Jackson is kicking away. I love that he's so active. I bring this up every time I see the OB, because Wyatt wasn't active, at all. I remember him kicking at around 18 weeks at night after dinner, and not every night, and then he would kick every once in awhile, but when I look back, nothing like this. There was no consistency day to day at all. I did start to worry, but then I would drink something sweet and do the kick counting and I could get the 10 kicks in 2 hours. Jackson kicks me 10 times before I get out of bed in the morning. I had never been pregnant before, I had no idea if this was normal or not. And 25 weeks 4 days is early for kick counting, that's when we lost him. I think of him everyday and I wonder if Jackson will look like his brother, who looked exactly like me. I remember holding him for the first time, I was amazed to see my lips and nose in a miniature version.

I made a trip to the OB today for the back pain/pelvic pain. I was pretty sure they were connected, but better safe than sorry! I was 100% sure they were connected when he pushed on the left front of my pelvic bone and it REALLY hurt. He said it's partially due to my existing back injury on that side and partially due to the relaxin and spreading that's going on. He did offer me percocet, but I can handle the pain as long as I know what it is! I'm doing much better than I was on Sunday, I can move around now. He did say to take it easy, and that I have to cut back on my physical activity. Rest with my legs up whenever I can. I've only been taking 1 extra strength tylenol at a time-which does nothing! And he kinda chuckled when he told me 2 were fine at a time. Not in a mean way. He's so sweet. He knows that I'm worried and I really feel like he tries to make me feel better. I am so glad that he's my OB. SO glad. He helps me to feel positive about everything and neither him nor anyone in the office ever make me feel crazy or like I'm bothering them.

Tomorrow I'm driving to the commercial building we own (about an hour and a half away) to check out the progress my contractor has made on the space. We have a new tenant moving in on October 1st. I'm really hoping its going well, he says it is, but I get really nervous about these things!

Blog Award!!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Thank you so much to Trying For Two for giving me the One Lovely Blog Award! This means so much to me. Not only have I never gotten an award before, but I often wonder if I'm boring everyone to death. So THANK YOU! You made my week brighter and better!

The rules for accepting this award…
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to (It suggests 15, but I would suggest however many you want and find appropriate) other bloggers that you have discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they’ve been chosen.

Sunday

Yesterday was the 18 year anniversary of my Dad's death. It's hard to believe. As we all rode the boat out to the spot where we would spread my dad's ashes. I looked around in amazement at the adults we've all become. I have 2 sisters, and a brother with whom I share the same father (different mother). I guess that sometimes I still think of us as the kids that my dad knew, but we're not. I miss him everyday, but yesterday as we floated off the beach where we all spent so much time with my dad, I felt at peace. I know that he was there watching us. That he is always there watching us. It was beautiful. I read the prayer of St. Francis, which he kept in his wallet. He wasn't a religious man, but it's a beautiful prayer and it really does speak to who he was.

The Prayer of Saint Francis
Patron saint of animals and the environment

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
when there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand,
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying [to ourselves] that we are born to eternal life.


After, I had everyone back to my house for a dinner, which was nice. Unfortunately, from the standing in the kitchen cooking all day and all my prep work, I was limping by the end of the night, and honestly just couldn't wait for everyone to leave! My mom had come Friday and left this morning and she's always a joy to have, so not her, but I needed to get to bed! My back, and now the sciatica I've developed from it got so bad, I had to have C help me out of bed to the toilet and off the toilet! (Sorry, TMI!) Today, I spent the whole day on the couch and am still needing help to get up and walk. At one point I decided to stretch it out and walk it off and ended up crying in the kitchen because I couldn't make it back to the couch. C banned me from anymore exercise today. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. Jackson seems to love relaxing...he kicks away! This was the highlight of my day. Oh, and tomorrow is 24 weeks!!!! Yay!!!

Fear

I have been wanting to write, but I just can't seem to this week. I'm having a really hard week. Monday, I had my 23 week ultrasound-everything looked great. Jackson is measuring perfect, and his heart rate was great, etc. Although I love the ultrasounds, I also find they make me really anxious. Really anxious. And although this lady was nice, she wasn't the tech we really like and I felt like she kinda freaked us out. She wanted to get him to turn around, he was facing backwards. So, she did a ton of jabbing on my stomach saying things like "this usually turns them" and "oh he's stubborn.". Of course this completely freaked C out and he thought that this meant something was wrong. He'd been kicking and moving all around all morning, so, I knew he was fine, but then I started to get freaked out. I mean the poor guy was trying to rest! I asked the peri when he came in and he said something to the effect of that "they do what they want, and they certainly don't always cooperate", but I was still a little nervous. He's going to see me again at 25 weeks for another ultrasound, because I asked. I lost Wyatt at 25 weeks 4 days and I know I'm going to need all the reassurance I can get that week. I went to my regular OB after that, rather uneventful appointment, all is well.

Then, Monday night, C and I started talking about the renovations at one of our buildings. We have a new tenant moving in and everything has to be ready by the 1st of October. I'd just gotten the run down from the contractor and it sounded like things were going great. I relayed the progress to C and he started flipping out (he's always a lot more negative than I am. I assume the best, him, the worst.), he thought that things should be further along, etc. Somehow this escalated into a fight and I ended up having a panic attack. I'm in charge of the renovations, but I started to think "oh god, i've f'd everything up!", etc. Then I realized that really, I'm worried about the baby. I'm scared to death. Scared to death. I don't know if I hadn't really realized how close I was to when I lost Wyatt, or if I was trying to ignore it, but all of a sudden it hit me like a tone of bricks. And damn it, I started to freak out. C and I talked about it for awhile, but I still couldn't sleep.

I am so afraid. Every moment, it's in the back of my mind. I'm afraid to do anything like I did those days right before I lost Wyatt. Fridays make me sick, because, it was a Friday I realized he was gone. If poor Jackson doesn't kick for awhile, I start to panic. I had a freakout today, because I hadn't felt him in hours. He wouldn't kick, I tried to do the doppler, but I couldn't find is heartbeat. I started to cry, and panic. C was mowing the lawn and somehow, I tried to relax myself, went and drank some juice and lay down. It took quite awhile, but he woke up and kicked. Of course he's been kicking away all night, now.

Then tonight, I realized that we aren't just coming up on the time when I lost Wyatt, but Saturday, the 18th, it will be 18 years since my dad died. 18 years. And my sisters, brother, and I are finally spreading his ashes. My grandmother had them in her closet for 18 years, and now that she has passed away, we can finally lay him to rest. We've chartered a boat and we'll be scattering him at sea, which is what he wanted.  This is intense. 18 years, and I still miss him every day. And of course, Wyatt was born on my dad's birthday (what are the chances of that????) so, I feel their spirits are very close. No wonder I'm freaking out.

Popcorn

That's what I had for dinner, popcorn. I love popcorn. C was pissed. He doesn't see this as a "proper"dinner. He, by the way, had left over Pad Thai. I had a late lunch and this was what I wanted. I'm pretty sure that the OB would be fine on me cutting back on the eating since I got a miniature lecture last week about gaining 3lbs in 2 weeks. Of course there is the fact that I've only gained 6 total and I'm 22 weeks, so, I'd say that's pretty good!

Anyway, I obsess about this. I'm not getting as much exercise as I want to, because it seems that I'm constantly overdoing it when I try to get moving. Saturday, I cleaned my whole house. It's pretty big, and so there was a lot of vacuuming and bending over, etc. Sunday, the pain was back next to belly button and it's still not 100% better, but it's improving. I blame all of this on my damn back with is just horrible the minute I do any amount of bending over or standing still. Back to my weight obsession. I still hadn't lost all of the weight I'd put on with Wyatt, so even though I'm doing good this time, it's a mental struggle to know that there is definitely more to gain. AND C has started calling me things like "big girl"?!? He says he's only joking, but tonight I flipped out, I really don't need him to add to my insecurities. Men just don't get it. I truly believe the ONLY comment you should ever make about a pregnant woman's appearance is "You look great!" Now, don't get me wrong, he does tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't even want any jokes about weight!!! I think he got the message...

Both of my blood tests came back fine, but the OB still wants me to ask the Peri on Monday if he feels my Love.nox dose is sufficient and get his take on adding a baby aspirin. Baby Jackson is quite the kicker and I love it. I can't help but believe that Wyatt is watching over us.

I have some other things to talk about regarding my grandmother's death and the way my uncle has handled her estate, but I'm still trying to get all my thoughts together on this. The whole thing has been so sad for me.

Snoring

Right now, I'm listening to Lux snore. One of my favorite sounds! She's home and feeling WAY better! I am just thanking god that C found that inhaler and that we brought her to the other hospital. I think they were amazing. She's still a little groggy, and exhausted, but she got up and ate dinner and seemed really excited about it, so that's great! By the time C went to pick her up (he wouldn't let me go, because I've come down with his damn cold!), her heart rate had been holding steady at about 100ish. Which they said is normal for her. They shaved the tops of her paws for the heart monitoring, and a part of her leg for her IV. They say she won't have any long term effects from this.  I can't wait to spend the day with her tomorrow, as C is headed to deal with the contractor at one of our buildings and I'm staying home to try to get rid of this damn cold.

I forgot to write that I went to the OB yesterday, and everything was great. He said the Peri had some other tests he wanted me to do- lupus anticoagulant and Anticardiolipin Antibodies. I went today and had the blood drawn and then goggled them. I'm really surprised that my IVF Doctor didn't run these. They would seem like pretty standard tests to run after a loss like I had, and they ran a million tests! I'm hoping they come back negative. It makes me nervous that I should be on a higher dose of Lovenox and baby aspirin, which is what they said they'd do if they come back positive. Hopefully, the tests will come back quickly. I might call tomorrow and just ask if they have a time frame on them. 

And now it's time to sleep! I'm in the guest room with Lux lounging and taking up her 75% of the bed..... 

Lux

I know that I don't talk about her all the time, but she definitely gets her mentions. I just wanted to talk about how much this dog means to me. She is the light of my life. I 'm frequently accused by C of loving her more, because of all the concern and love she gets. When I lost Wyatt, and I lay on the couch for hours crying, she never left my side. She is always there for me, no matter what. I honestly couldn't ask for a better dog. She listens to me (cocking her head as though she understands), she knows when to cuddle and when to just leave me alone. I love her more than I can adequately express with words.

 Tonight I came home around 5:30 or so, she came rushing out to meet me, ran around the yard for awhile, and then came in and ate. Right after eating, she came in and laid on the rug near us in the living room. Everything seemed normal. Then she got up. I assumed she'd go and scratch at the door, when I didn't hear it, I went in to see if she'd just decided to lay on her bed in the dining room. She had had diarrhea all over. She NEVER goes to the bathroom in the house and she was acting funny. Then she went into the living room and I went over to hug her and felt that her heart was going a mile a minute. I freaked out. C, who is used to my dramatic nature, tried to tell me to just relax, but I knew something was wrong. Of course the regular vet was closed by this time (6:30) so I called the emergency place and headed there. I could see her heart going crazy while we drove. I was freaking out. C didn't come, but I didn't really care. Once there, they triaged her and then we waited while she panted and her heart went crazy. There was another very sick dog being taken care of. It was probably close to 8:00 by the time they took her. The vet kept trying to attribute the heart rate to anxiety, but there was no way, because she'd had it at home! C came and joined me, they ran a million tests, did X-Rays, and the only thing that came back really off was her potassium and phosphate, the potassium was so low that the Vet actually said she thought the reading was just plain wrong. Period.  Her heart rate was still 160. Normal for dogs her size is 60-80, but she didn't seem all that concerned about this. Of course, we were! They offered to watch her overnight, but said she seemed fine, other than the heart rate and we took her home (11:00). We got home, and C insisted I eat something. While I was making something, he came into the kitchen with his inhaler- "I know what she got into!" I freaked out, she'd bitten the inhaler. I called the Vet back, who had me call poison control, who then sent us back to the vet. She needed fluids, potassium, and to have her heart rate monitored! On our way there they called us and said they had to send us to another emergency place that's about 45 minutes away, because they didn't have the right fluids. C drove like maniac, and when we got there, although she seemed a little weak, she was still interested in smelling everything! I really liked this Vet right away, and she said that she was really happy that Lux looked so good.

They have her on all kinds of stuff to get her potassium and phosphate back to normal, and they're monitoring her heart all night. She's never been anywhere but with family overnight and I've never spent a night in this house without her. They said she'll be ok. And hopefully she can come home tomorrow. I just wanted to ask everyone to keep her in their prayers. I just keep thinking of her in that cold  crate. Do you think she has a down comforter???? I'm going to guess not. I can't wait to see her tomorrow and cuddle her.

Allergies?

I'm so worn out. I over did it yesterday and now I'm paying for it. I really thought that I wasn't doing too much, but I had a meeting with some perspective tenants, did a whole lot of stair climbing and standing around and then of course didn't make it home until 7:30pm. By the time I made dinner it was 9:30. And of course C is still sick so he couldn't help. Oh yeah and did I mention the argument? We had a huge argument regarding a decision that I made and I had to use the last of my energy to fight it out. (For the record, I made a good decision, I just may not have gone about it in the way that he wanted me to!) Oh, and when I woke up to pee in the middle of the night, I had a ridiculous sore throat on the right side. I'm pretty sure this is from the post nasal I've developed from my unrelenting allergies, but I'm praying I don't get whatever C has.

Anyway, today, I have been sitting on the couch relaxing and working on paperwork for the new tenant, I'm hoping that the pain by my belly button (which is back) and the sore throat get the hell outta here with a little rest!

20 weeks 4 days

AND....I took a belly pic yesterday!!! Here it is!

I was wearing these damn corduroy pants that seamed like a great idea until I got to the meeting and it was about 10 degrees hotter there! I was very sweaty!

Thursday

Jackson 19 Weeks

So. here are the ultrasound pics! She actually gave us a whole bunch of the 3D ones, but I like this one where he has his hand up by his face.

My massage was awesome, but I slept in the guest room last night and I'm back here tonight. (The mattress sucks!) C is sick. Coughing, sneezing, runny nose, etc. Definitely nothing I want! So, Lux and I decided we'd let him have the big Tem.purpedic bed and we'd head to the guest room! The only plus is that Lux gets to sleep with me in here. We don't let her on our bed because of C's allergies. I love to cuddle with her.

Update

So...I'm feeling a little better. I did call my Doctor yesterday. The pain on the side of my belly button was almost totally gone by then and he said that I could come in if I wanted to , but he agreed with the Doctor on call and thought that it also had to do with the round ligaments. Of course by the end of the day yesterday, I was exhausted and having shooting pains on the sides. These I know are round ligament pain, but boy do they hurt.

I have some pretty major lower back issues. My left lower back is always in pain, even when I'm not pregnant. I have a ton of morning where I cant even stand up straight. I've gone to chiropractors, but as soon as you stop going on a regular basis, it stops working. I know that this is from my gardening and it's just gotten worse over the years. Now, I'm pretty sure that it's contributing to the issues in the front. I noticed today that when I bend over, which hurts so much, I actually try to avoid it, I am clenching my abdomen! Then this causes pain around my uterus. Ugh. I have a massage in the morning with my FAVORITE massage therapist, K. She's amazing, and I'm sure she'll be able to help me out. I just know she will. I actually spoke with my primary care, but she advised against try a chiropractor unless I find one that is comfortable treating a high risk pregnant lady.

 ***I want to say that I'm not complaining, well, not really. I will happily take whatever I get dished out, for Jackson to get here healthy, but every little pain makes me worry and freak out, so things often are worse emotionally.*

I can't wait to see K and have her work her magic!

August ICLW

Hello, hello!!! I know, a day late, but I'm always a little behind. I want to say thank you in advance for visiting. A short version of my story is to the right, here's the longer version. Right now I am 19 weeks 6 days pregnant with our baby boy...Jackson.

First of all, I haven't scanned my ultrasound pics yet. For the record, my desk is also completely covered with stuff I have to deal with, so I guess I'm just behind.

I worked on Friday, and C helped me. This is the first time he has really helped me with work. I think it went ok. There was a lot of bending and stooping for me because I had all the day lily and hosta flowers stems to cut at multiple properties. Then yesterday, we had my cousin's wedding, and I did a lot of standing. I paid for it today! C and I had gone to do some shopping for him. (This in itself is a huge deal, because he usually does not do any clothing shopping at all! I just buy and return....lol) We hadn't even been at it that long and we were headed back to the car, I started to have some pretty uncomfortable pain on the right side. When I got in the car, I was able to recognize that it was coming from to the right of my belly button, and it was tender to the touch. My first instinct was gas. I've definitely had pain like this from gas before. We headed to P.anera to grab some lunch and I tried to massage it, move around, etc. I felt better after getting up and walking into P.anera, but worse again when I got into the car. When we got home, I layed down and took a little nap, hoping that would make it go away, I laid on my left side. When I got up, it was still there! And pretty sharp. So, I called the doctor. My guess was that this was some sort of stretching/crowding pain. There are only 4 OB's in my area and on the weekend and nights they all rotate being on call. My OB wasn't on today, but the OB I had when I was pregnant with Wyatt was on call. Awkward!!! I would think that someone like that would totally understand why I couldn't go back to that office, based just on the fact that that was where I found out we'd lost Wyatt, but he's strange! Anyway, he called right back and I explained who I was, said, that maybe he remembered me (um, I assumed he would, because he probably doeasn't have many patients with late second trimester losses each year!). He just said, "Yeah, I remember you." Anyway, he said it has something to do with the height of my uterus and my belly button being irritated by the expanding uterus, but I should follow up with my Doctor tomorrow. It's till painful, but I took it easy for the rest of the evening.

C has officially banned me from most work and so I need to write a letter to my clients explaining the situation. I honestly haven't even told some of them I'm pregnant. Mainly because I really never see them anyway.

It's a...........

BOY!!!! I figured I'd get that out of the way! It was actually the first thing that we saw. The tech turned on the machine just as she was asking if we wanted to know the sex, and there it was!!! His name will be (is) Jackson Wyatt.


I was so nervous sitting in the waiting room, and freezing! They had the ac way to high. When we got called, I felt like I recognized the tech, but I wasn't sure. A few minutes in I asked her if she worked at the hospital and she said yes. I'd seen her there a few times. Once before I started IVF for some initial tests my OB/GYN was doing and once when I over stimmed with in the very beginning with Wyatt. Before I even knew I was pregnant. Anyway, she is really nice and easy going. I cannot stand getting an ultrasound from someone who is unhappy. You have to keep looking at them and trying to guess if they're seeing something bad! I told her all about Wyatt and what had happened. She talked to us the whole time and every time she'd measure something, she'd tell us that it looked great. She even did some 3D/4D pictures for us that were adorable. I usually find them kinda creepy, but I guess when it's your baby, somehow they look cute.

The Peri, Dr. H, came in to consult with us and take a look himself. He was great. We went over my whole history and he seemed to think that everything seemed to be being handled properly. He is going to see me for ultrasounds every month to monitor Jackson's growth. He thinks this is the best way to make sure everything is going well. Right after this I went straight to my OB appointment across town, and Dr. H had already requested my records as well as sent over a recommendation that they put me on thyroid meds. I have Hoshimoto disease, and I've been on meds for it before, but I've been able to go years without having to take anything. My #'s are never perfect, but they tend to be in an ok range. I'll take whatever I need to to keep Jackson safe! I'll do an update tomorrow with weight, etc.

On another note....I can't wait to start his nursery! Oh and ultrasound pics to come tomorrow!!!!

Nervous

So, tomorrow is the day that I've been anxiously awaiting! Our anatomy scan and the meeting with a perientologist. Now, the nervousness is setting in. I'm praying that everything looks great and that all we hear tomorrow is good news. My OB really doesn't believe in extra ultrasounds, etc, in the beginning, but now, we will set up a plan with the perientologist for the next 21 weeks.

I'm praying for all happy news and anxiously awaiting the gender!!!!!

17 Weeks 2 Days...

We're at 17 weeks 2 days!!!! It's amazing, because in someways it feels like it's going so fast, but in other ways, I wish I had a fast forward button so that I could have this baby with me safe and sound, and it feels like this is dragging.

Some updates-
(Some people seem to do these and I thought it might be cool to start....I'm always late to the game!)

How far along: 17 Weeks 2 Days
Weight: - 1lb (lost 3lbs in the beginning and now I've gained 2lbs)
Maternity Clothes: Yes
Stretch Marks: None, yet.
Sleep: Not so great. I get up at least 3 times a night to pee and usually have trouble getting back to sleep.

Memorable Moment This Week: The baby is much more active and stronger which is awesome!
Movement: Still not strong enough for C to feel, but I know it will be soon.
Food Cravings: No, not really.
Gender: Cannot wait until the 16th!!!
What I'm Looking Forward To: My anatomy scan!!

Feelings: Some days are great and others are filled with worry. There are so many things that can go wrong that I had NO idea about with Wyatt. Hell, we're not even anywhere near 100% why we lost Wyatt. It never fails that at some point in the day, I become horrified and the names of all these things start running through my head. I start to check off the ones I've eliminated and then I start to worry about the ones still lingering on my long list. This seems to happen a lot at night when I can't fall back asleep. Deep breath. 

 

So, C wants me to stop working. I will admit that this summer has been outrageous heat wise. And being pregnant that just makes everything worse. Nothing like gardening in ridiculous humidity with the sun blazing down on you! YUCK. My goal is to make it to September. We'll see. I'm not working everyday (we also own rental buildings and I deal with these, so that is my other job.) and I'm not even working full days, especially not in the heat.

Random

I've been contemplating getting a 3D ultrasound and I think I'm going to do it! We didn't do it with Wyatt, but I really think it would be a nice thing to have. My mission is to call tomorrow and try to schedule it for next week. I'm thinking that would be a good time. The assistant at my OB's office (who I LOVE), said that this is a good time.

I'm still not taking a lot of belly pics. I want to, but I just don't. With Wyatt, I took them every week, hell, I posted them on Facebook!!! I even made C take one last picture when we were leaving for the hospital. It's so hard to look at. My face is all red and I'm crying and I look so, so sad. I haven't even announced this pregnancy on FB this time and there are people I haven't told yet. I'm scared. Scared of somehow making bad things happen because I tell people??!!!! I know it makes zero sense, but that's how I feel.

I bought a baby book yesterday and started to write in it. I'm really anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I know I've said this before, but I think that will really help me to feel more connected.

Seeing my nephew and my friend JF's baby, make me happy and sad. Happy because it gives me tangible proof that people have live, healthy, babies every day. And sad because I should have Wyatt. He should be 5 1/2 months old. My heart aches for him. I also think that if I hadn't lost Wyatt, I wouldn't be pregnant with his brother or sister right now. I had a BLM tell me that she had to look at her loss in the following way- If she hadn't lost her son, her daughter never would have been born. And maybe that was the way the universe intended it.

I don't understand the intentions of this universe, there are so many times that they simply don't add up for me....

Calming down

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well. I feel pretty good, except for the nausea, but I'm on Zofran and that helps enough, I have a great husband, I'm pregnant, a great family, an amazing dog, a beautiful home. I work doing what I want to, Gardening, and my hours are very flexible....And then I think of my Wyatt, and feel like I'm gasping for air. Just gasping. I can barely do it. Please don't misunderstand. I am so grateful for all the good in my life, but there is still a deep sadness I carry, and always will. I know it will dull and morph with time, like the loss of my father has, but I still feel it so close. I not only think about him all the time, but I live in fear that we'll have the same thing happen to us again. I don't think I've really mentally connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt. Maybe part of it is not knowing the sex yet, but I know that I'm trying somehow to preserve myself. I honestly have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, but that doesn't totally get rid of the panic.

Last night I had some sharp shooting pain on the left side. The first time I just ignored it, then it happened again. It was pretty intense pain. I was sure it wasn't gas. I called the Dr. even though I thought that maybe it was round ligament pain. After talking with the on call Dr., I was convinced it was round ligament pain. I didn't have it again all night. Then I woke up at 3:00 am to pee with a stomach ache. I was feeling gassy and uncomfortable and I started freaking out. What if there was something really wrong? Needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep until 5:30 am. I woke up exhausted, but got all ready for work, and then while I waited for my sister, JA, who works for me, I decided to use my doppler and check the heart beat. I couldn't find it. I freaked out. I got up moved around and tried again, still I couldn't find it. That was when C came in to tell me he was leaving. I told him I couldn't find it and he freaked out, too. Which made me freak out more. He had to get rid of my sister who had shown up by then. When he came back in, I tried again, and found it, Thank god!!! I called the OB and they fit me in for mid morning. Everything was fine. He found the heartbeat right away. He thinks that the pain may have been my ovary, because I had some tenderness when he pushed on the area.

After that I was emotionally exhausted . My sister, JR, and her husband were down for the day and I had planned on meeting them for a late lunch, so I did. It was nice to sit and relax with them. I'm realizing that I'm not taking the time to enjoy this pregnancy. I really need to start being more relaxed. I feel like this week has been particularly emotional for me. I had to bring my grandmother's cat to the vet to be put down on Monday (There was no one to take him after my grandmother's death, he was 21 1/2 years old...). It was devastating to me. I didn't think it would be that bad, it was what she wanted. He never would have made it at a shelter and all us kids have dogs. I guess I felt like it was the last little piece of her. The vet said..."This is NOT the way to start a week." I guess he was right.

So, my goal now is to try to calm down. I need to enjoy this time. Oh, and my anatomy scan is scheduled for August 16th!! I'm also going to meet with a Perientologist at the same time so that we can get a plan together for the rest of this pregnancy.

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep!

Hello, Hello!

Hi! Welcome to my blog. A little about me and this blog....I started this blog after the loss of my son, Wyatt, at 26 weeks. He was conceived with IVF, and what started out as a miracle turned into our worst nightmare. After his loss I tried again as soon as we could, and had a chemical pregnancy, then IVF # 3, and it was a success. I'm 15 weeks, 2 days, today.

That's the very short version, but it's a little insight to where I'm at right now and how I got here. I miss my Wyatt everyday. I blog about all kinds of things, and I would love for you to join me.

Freak Out

I guess I'm more emotional than I've realized. Yesterday, I went with C to run some errands. He reeled me in by suggesting we go to lunch and then mentioning he had a few stops first. I was fine with it. It's been so damn hot, I just cant get anything done outside and I really wasn't feeling like cleaning the house. We didn't make it to lunch until 2:15 or so. I was starving, having not eaten since 8:00am. So, lunch takes forever and when I finally get the salad I ordered, it was all wrong. It took me a minute to figure out that she had given me the dressing that I wanted on the side and put other dressing (that I had said I didn't want) on it. Gross. So I send it back and she says she can fix it quickly. I'm doubtful considering it already took about 45 min to get the damn thing, but I give her the benefit of the doubt. a few minutes later, she plops down a new salad and walks off. Obviously they had salvaged whatever chicken they could from the original salad, because it was covered in that dressing and this salad didn't even have the stuff it should have. I got pissed and actually started to cry! Poor C. I was like I want to leave! Get her attention, I want to see the manager. Of course by this time he was almost done with his meal anyway. I'd like to say the manager was apologetic, but he sort of acted like it was unavoidable?!? I mean seriously, I know I overreacted, but this would have pissed me off, pregnant or not. I just wouldn't have cried. We didn't pay for the salad, but don't worry, they made sure C paid for his meal and still charged us for the seltzer waters at over $2 a piece. C got me a Greek salad from my favorite pizza place on the way home. I'm definitely going to write a letter to their corporate office. It's little things like that that I think make or break a place, and when it's a chain, they should go out of their way to make things right. Am I insane????

On a whole other note...I'm feeling the baby a lot more and I cannot wait to find out the sex, three more weeks!!! 15 weeks tomorrow!!! Wooohoooo!!!!

Thank You

I had always thought that bad things were rare. That if there were 1 in 100 odds, odds were you wouldn't know the 1, but loosing Wyatt changed all that. I've started thinking about odds and realizing that someone is that 1, every time.

There is a lot of joy in the blogging community that we have, and there's a lot of pain. I am struck by people's perseverance and ability to be that 1, not once, but often two or three times. I know I haven't been great about commenting lately, but I want to say thank you to all the people who share their stories with me. Without you, I wouldn't be where I am today mentally or emotionally. 

Today, I'm praying that all of us get to be in the majority, and not the minority from now on.

Not Sleeping

Good Morning! I know, It's not that early (6:50am) BUT it is Saturday and I was up at 5:30am...when I bolted up in horror that I'd forgotten my Love.nox shot last night!  I usually take it around 8:00pm or so. I don't know what happened last night, I had thrown up from a late lunch (sorry, TMI) so we ate a late dinner and I guess I just got off schedule. After reading around a bit, I decided to start taking the shot in the morning. I took it today at 6:00am and I'll move it to 7:00am tomorrow. I think that's better for me. There are too many times at night where if we're going somewhere, or something, I have to take it late or early. I of course freaked out. Crying, trying not to hyperventilate, and C somehow thought I was blaming him and was not very comforting at all! He just didn't want the blame, but I wasn't blaming him, I was just freaking out, and needed some support.

The past few days have been a little off, because on Thursday evening Mema (my grandmother) passed away. I have been feeling off emotionally, and physically, I'm exhausted from not sleeping for a couple of nights. I keep waking up finding it hard to believe that when I go to her house she won't be there, that I can't call her. As I said in my post when she first went in to the hospital, she was a very important part of my life. She was my last living grandparent and my father's mother. Adding this new loss to my list, brings up a lot of pain from the previous losses in my life. Her wake a funeral will be next weekend and I intend to speak at the funeral. I miss her, and I am deeply saddened that my kids will never meet her. I'll leave you with some words of wisdom from Mema "Rain makes you grow!" (told to 6 of us grand kids to keep us playing outside even if it was raining!)

Dreaming...12 Weeks!!!!

I want to be so excited that we've hit the big 12 week mark, but I'm scared. I keep day dreaming of a world where all babies are born, alive and healthy. A good friend lost her baby this winter right after she announced it...at 12 weeks. And really, WTF is 12 weeks anyway? I mean I was 25 weeks 6 days with Wyatt. And I know from reading everyone else's blogs that really as the weeks tick by, we're not any safer. I mean the chances are so low to begin with and yet it still happened. I'm dreaming of the beautiful ignorant bliss that I felt when I was pregnant with Wyatt. I was nervous, but the passing of the weeks made me feel safer. I know this is my reality and don't get me wrong I am so so so happy to be pregnant, but I am so scared. And I know I won't be okay until this baby is born, healthy and alive.

I know that Wyatt is watching over us, he's my little angel boy. So, for now I'm taking a deep breath and dreaming of holding Wyatt's brother or sister, listening to them cry their first cry, looking into those and telling them about their brother.

Ultrasound Pic

11 Weeks 2 Days

Here's the ultrasound from the NT scan. He-She still has a pretty big head! So funny to see... I don't know if I mentioned that He-She was measuring 3 days ahead! Just though I would share.

NT scan

Yesterday I went for the NT scan. Although it was a little confusing finding the place...I was in one of those gigantic hospitals where all you can do is follow the signs, and somehow they never put them in the most important places. Everything went great. They told me the measurement right then and there. The radiologist came in and talked to me, and they even gave me a report! I've never gotten test results that quickly before. The baby was wiggling all around and kicking like crazy. So cute!

 I tried to upload the ultrasound, but it doesn't want to work? So, I'll try tomorrow.

ICLW

Welcome all! A little about me....I'm 32, my husband, C, and I struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years before conceiving our beautiful baby boy, Wyatt, with the help of IVF, in May 2009. On November 8, 2009, Wyatt was born at 26 weeks, sleeping. We were beyond devastated.  After a million tests and no answers, I tested positive for MTHFR, homozygeous for C766T.

We attempted IVF again in January of 2010 and it ended in a chemical pregnancy. In April, we made our third IVF attempt and got a BFP!!! I am currently 11 weeks pregnant, and due January 10, 2010. I am taking Love.nox shot daily.

I miss Wyatt everyday and although I am over the moon about this baby, I'm very scared, too. I hope that some people will find inspiration in my blog, like I did in many of the blogs that I've found.

Oh....and I love comments!

Mema

Mema (May-ma) is my grandmother. My father's mother and my only living grandparent. She has always been a huge part of my life. Although Mema is her "grandma name", over the years it has become almost a first name. Most of her friends call her Mema and everyone in the family calls her Mema, like it's her name. One of my younger sisters thought it was! Her name is M. Joanne (the M standing for Molly) and my sister had always figured that M stood for Mema!

On Tuesday morning, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and fluid around her heart. Although she seemed to be getting better, and there was even a discussion about her care when she was released, she's taken a turn for the worse. My Uncle told me the Doctor said it would take a miracle for her to survive this. Her heart is failing, she has pneumonia, and her kidneys are starting to fail.

The last few months with her have been rough. She has always had a drinking problem, but since my grandfather's death 3 1/2 years ago, she has gotten progressively worse. She had a stroke and then open heart surgery right before we lost Wyatt, back at the end of October. I honestly thought that would be enough to stop her from drinking so much, and it was, for awhile. But, not very long.

I have so many glorious memories of her from throughout the years. She always took all of us grandkids in the summers. She would take us to the beach...line us up for showers, (there was no going to bed covered in sand!), slather us in barbasol shaving cream when we had a sunburn (or just about any other ailment), cook boiled dinners. When I was little and my father didn't see me for 2 years because he wasn't around (not really sure what the deal was with that) my grandparents picked me up and had me every weekend. When I was 16, she rented the house down the street from her for me and my friends for a week. We all look up to her. She's Mema...if Mema told you to do something you did it! When I lost Wyatt, she was devastated. She's never been touchy, feely, but she was devastated. I told her last week that I'm pregnant. I am so sad that she may never know her great grandchild.

No matter, Mema will always be a legend to my kids, and I hope that someday I will be half the grandmother Mema has always been to me.

Please keep her in your prayers. It would mean so much to me.


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Advice

First of all...I had my 10 week ultrasound and it was awesome! I haven't scanned it yet, but I will. We could see little arms and legs and a great big head.

I was released from Dr. B, and I went for my intake at the OB on Wednesday. It was a great appointment. I met the nurse practitioner...who I LOVE! The first thing she told me was that she had all 3 of her kids from IVF! And at Boston IVF. Which was really nice. I find so many people in "the real world" don't talk about it. Or way worse, pretend that it was natural. C has a cousin who had fraternal twins at age 50...and when I delicately, indirectly asked about it, she told me it was due to her being in great shape?!?! Um, really? As it turns out...surprise, suprise, that was a lie. I understand people being private, but if someone's in the same boat as you, then I think sharing is definitely helpful, or could be, to them. Anyway, the Nurse Practitioner was great. I'm so glad I chose this practice. So glad. They take their time and are so sweet and understanding. I don't feel like I'm at a factory which was the case before. We heard the heartbeat with the Doppler, I was so happy. I've seen it on the screen, but this was the first time I heard it.

So- I need some advice. C and I have to figure out whether or not to do the Early Fetal Testing. We didn't do it with Wyatt, but I'm do torn this time. I of course have to decide by Monday. What I don't like about it is that it's a bunch of odds that may or may not be true. From what I've read the odds that there really is a problem if you're put in the high risk group are pretty low. And what this really does is prompt for further, invasive testing. I am not ready to say yes to an amnio or a CVS. So, should I bother with this? Would I change my mind if my odds were really high?I would love to know what you've done and what your experiences were. I'm 32, so I guess that age is not the driving factor.




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10 Weeks

 

This is my father-in-law, B's, breakfast Saturday

He put about half a stick of butter on a coffee cake muffin and then followed it up with Oreo cookies, at 9:00 am. He drives me crazy. If this was a normal person, I wouldn't even be involved, but this will turn into the Dr. saying something about his cholesterol and then he will literally point at me and say "She feeds me!". Then I have to explain B's over eating of cookies and obsession with butter. Did I mention he also has Diabetes. I mean who butters a coffee cake muffin??? I had a lot of patience for him when he first came to live with us three years ago, but I'll admit that most of that patience is gone. He lies, he always has an excuse and unlike most old people that I know, he is the opposite of helpful. I've caught him actually stuffing newspapers behind his couch instead of putting them in the recycle bin. He didn't say thank you AT ALL when he first starting living with us, now he will say thank you when I make him dinner, because I finally told him if he didn't I wasn't making him dinner anymore. I find my relationship with him so frustrating. I'm usually a helpful warm person, but he always makes me upset. I've asked him a MILLION times not to feed the dog his food, and he always acts like I'm crazy he would never do that. Then I go in his room and he's feeding her! His response is that he's never done it before! Um, yeah, right! I've had him tested for dementia, and he has the very early stages of it. I have him on medication and I make sure he takes everything properly in the morning and at night. I try to compensate for the early dementia, but he seems to think that he's a celebrity living in a hotel. I took care of C's mom who had dementia and ALS. She was a dream compared to him. And being pregnant I have even less patience for him. About 3 days after we lost Wyatt, I was on the couch surrounded by tissues and barely speaking, he came into the room and told me he needed me to take him to get a haircut. He knew what had happened, but apparently, he was over it. I, of course, started to cry and told him no. Just plain no. Which he followed up with something like all he did was ask. He's just not normal and according to C, he's always been off like this. UGH..... 

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I always get nervous the night before the ultrasounds. I wish I had a window into my uterus! I'll post the pics more promptly this time, I promise! 

Rainy Day

 Lux

I had high hopes for today when I got up this morning. I was thinking that the rain would stop and I could get some work done, but alas, it's still drizzling. It's just as well, I had a rough night. I couldn't fall asleep until 11:00, despite being exhausted, then at about 2:15, I felt Lux nosing me. Her bed is on the floor right next to me and she sometimes does that when her cover come off. Yes, she is spoiled! But, I quickly realized that the smoke alarm was going off. Not the little beep, but a longer high pitched noise. C hasn't been feeling too good, so I went to check things out. Our system is all hard wired, but there are two with battery back-ups and sometimes they do this when they need the battery replaced. So annoying that it would happen in the middle of the night. Lux was pretty pissed, too. She followed me to get the new batteries, change the one upstairs, and change the one downstairs, but it would still beep on and off. I knew it was coming from upstairs, but, WTF?!? I finally guessed to carbon monoxide detector! Of course that's what it was! I replaced the battery and it was fine. Why do the things run low on batteries in the middle of the night??? They must know it's the most annoying time! I was up until 4:00 tossing and turning. At 5:00, C woke up feeling really crappy. So, I'm freaking beat today!!!

This is the baby at 8 weeks 1 day. You can't tell in the picture, but you could see the little arms and the legs on the screen. And of course that little heart beating away. I have my last visit with Dr. B on Tuesday and I can't wait to see the baby again.

I just want to preface this next paragraph by saying I'm not complaining! I have been so sick with this pregnancy! I thought the sea bands were the answer, but they're not! This past Saturday, I was so sick I actually spent the whole day on the couch with trips to throw up the food I hadn't eaten! I seem to have a really bad day followed by a semi-bad day. I had extra saliva with Wyatt, but I think it went away around 8 weeks or so, this is still going strong and no matter what I eat I feel ill. I've been throwing up almost every night after dinner which seems to be the worst meal for me. C is so funny, he's always wondering if we should call the Dr.. The throwing up really makes him nervous. If I'm still this ill next week, I'll talk to the OB about it on Wednesday.

Sea Bands

Tonight, while, I was waiting for my Lovenox script, feeling super crappy and I remembered those Sea bands. I've heard people talk about them and when I was pregnant with Wyatt, I kept meaning to try them. Well, I think they're actually working! I didn't toss my cookies after dinner and I didn't feel like death! I do of course look like an 80's rocker, but that's ok.

My appointment with Dr. B went really, really well. The baby was measuring exactly right and the heartbeat was 156. I do have an ultrasound pic and I'll scan it tomorrow, I completely forgot today. He's going to keep me until 10 weeks, so my last ultrasound will be June 15th and then I see Dr. P, the OB, on the 16th. I felt so much better seeing that little heart on the monitor.

While we were waiting for the ultrasound, a couple came out and the woman was crying, very silently. (There's a lot of seeing someone and then going back out into the waiting room to see someone else.) I felt so bad for her. I wanted to console her, obviously not appropriate, but I felt like just letting her know that she wasn't alone. Her husband kept getting up like he didn't know what to say to her. Sometimes I wish that the waiting rooms were full of people telling you their stories and sharing and supporting one another, but instead we all sit there, quiet, almost pretending like this is not really going on, and we're here to get our teeth cleaned. I'm usually a pretty open person, but I've never gotten the feeling that anyone there wants to talk to me. Only once did someone say something to me, it was at the ultrasound place near my house that the clinic sends us to. I was waiting in there with this woman, and she kept smiling. She had the appointment right before me, when she was leaving I said good luck! She stopped and smiled and said that she always figures when she sees some in there for the first morning ultrasound appointments who's our age, but no one ever says anything! She said "We're all in the same boat, it's sad, and it's hard. Thanks. Good luck to you, too."

On another subject, my youngest sister, A, got engaged tonight!!! She's so cute, she texted me a picture of her hand with the ring on it! I'm siked for her, they've been together forever and she has been DYING for this moment. 

Exhausted

First of all, I am so far behind on my blog reading that I feel horrible! I will catch up this weekend! Secondly, I've wanted to write every night this week, but I've been too damn tired. I've been falling asleep on the couch really early. It's just been a crazy week. I quit work a little early today because my back is absolutely killing me. I'm posting from my iPhone...too tired to go upstairs and get my computer!

We met with the OB on Monday and I loved him. He seems really great. He has a small practice, and seems very hands on, which I really liked. He took almost an hour out of his day to do a meet and greet with me, he's going to send me to a specialist for my 18 week ultrasound which is great and he's wants to see me every two weeks instead of once a month. I felt comfortable there which is a big deal to me, too. Desicion made!

I have my 8 week ultrasound on Tuesday. I can't wait to see him/her. The nausea has gotten worse. I've actually thrown up a few times now. And it's pretty constaant...even when I drink water! (I am NOT complaining! Just sharing! Symptoms are good!) With Wyatt it was mostly dry heaving. Hopefully it'll ease up when Dr. B takes me off the Crinone on Tuesday.

My official due date is 1/10/2011. C and I actually stopped at Babies R' Us the other day so I could show him some stuff. He was amazed at how much everything cost! Too funny, but I guess he really doesn't have a baseline....he NEVER shops for anything other than tools!








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Checking In

I know I've been MIA, but I've had a pretty busy week. I met my nephew on Tuesday. He is absolutely adorable. He looks just like my sister, except for his mouth which comes from his daddy. Today I went to my friend J's baby shower. It was a nice time.

I have a "meet and greet" with an OB who seems to be very highly recommended, tomorrow. I called his office last week and explained my whole situation. They were happy to set up an initial meeting so that we can find out if this will be a good fit for us. The receptionist even seemed to understand everything I was talking about, like the MTHFR and the Lovenox. He also will need to work with a maternal-fetal medical specialist, so I want an OB who's familiar with doing that. One thing that I have taken from everything that I've been through is that I now ask everything that I want to, and I won't hesitate!

I'll update about about it tomorrow.....

Baby

The ultrasound went awesome! We have one beautiful baby in there, measuring at exactly 6 weeks (perfect!!) with a heart beating away!!!! Yay!!! The heart rate is just above 100, which Dr. B says is great. Of course I looked it up, normal for 6 weeks is 90-110, so we're right on.

He kept me on the Crinone and I'm going back on June 1st for my 8 week ultrasound. I'm pretty sure he'll keep me until 10 weeks, which is their limit. I'm actually very nervous about picking an OB. The one I used with Wyatt was nice and all, and that is who Dr. B recommends, but I just don't know if I can do it. I was in their ultrasound room when I found out we'd lost Wyatt. They walked me over to the hospital. So many bad memories. On the other hand, we won't be alone, there will have to be a fetal/maternal specialist because I'm on the Lovenox. I have a feeling that this OB will work with me and pretty much give me what I need. I'm thinking about calling over there and seeing if he'll call me back. We saw him after we lost Wyatt and he was really great with us, he did say that if I went to him when we got pregnant again he would do everything he could to help me through this.

On another note...my sister, JR, gave birth to my nephew this morning at 1:04am....I can't wait to meet him! I'm heading up there tomorrow morning. Apparently he has more hair than any baby ever! lol

Worry...

So, I'm sure everything is alright. I still have all my symptoms, but I am scared to death. I look every time I wipe (sorry, TMI!) not that I've ever had a miscarriage like that because I haven't. I was scared in the beginning with Wyatt, too, but this is even worse.

I am trying to remember that every little pain doesn't mean something is wrong. I definitely have what I would describe as as achy abdomen. It's off and on, and it seems to be worse if I've had a long day on my feet. Like I've said before it feels like I've done too many sit-ups. I had it with Wyatt, too. This is normal, right? I get so nervous.

I cannot wait for my ultrasound on Monday. Once I see that (those) little heartbeat(s), I will feel so much better. The waiting is like torture. I think your uterus should come with a window! I NEED to see what's up in there!

So, for now, I'm thinking good thoughts and praying that the weekend flies by....