I want to be so excited that we've hit the big 12 week mark, but I'm scared. I keep day dreaming of a world where all babies are born, alive and healthy. A good friend lost her baby this winter right after she announced it...at 12 weeks. And really, WTF is 12 weeks anyway? I mean I was 25 weeks 6 days with Wyatt. And I know from reading everyone else's blogs that really as the weeks tick by, we're not any safer. I mean the chances are so low to begin with and yet it still happened. I'm dreaming of the beautiful ignorant bliss that I felt when I was pregnant with Wyatt. I was nervous, but the passing of the weeks made me feel safer. I know this is my reality and don't get me wrong I am so so so happy to be pregnant, but I am so scared. And I know I won't be okay until this baby is born, healthy and alive.
I know that Wyatt is watching over us, he's my little angel boy. So, for now I'm taking a deep breath and dreaming of holding Wyatt's brother or sister, listening to them cry their first cry, looking into those and telling them about their brother.
It's not fair, is it? I know that if I ever actually got pregnant again I'd have to really fight with myself to try to enjoy it rather than giving in to the terror.
ReplyDeleteBut they say this is a good milestone to reach. yes, things can still happen, but the chances are better and better for you both each day. I know it's easier for me to say than than for you to feel it. ((HUGS))
I cannot say I know your fears but I do feel the same anxiousness about the weeks going by. You are right in that all we can do is focus on the positive and breath out the negatives the best we can.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie, I understand. Until the minute we hold a crying, screaming, peeing, eating baby in our arms, there's no guarantee. All of the infertility and loss just make that so much more painfully aware. I am sending you love and hugs - you are doing great.
ReplyDeleteIt's just so hard. The joy always seems to have some cruel tempering hand reminding us...you're never safe.
ReplyDeleteOdds are low, but odds don't mean anything when you've already beaten them once.
Hoping and praying for peace for you and to be able to experience the amazing joy of this sweet little life with as little fear (as possible!)
getting out of the first trimester is one of many milestones....it may not seem like much, but you are that much closer to meeting this little one....It is so hard and thinking full term seems so daunting....set little milestones. thats what I am working on now *hugs*
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