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Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I've been contemplating getting a 3D ultrasound and I think I'm going to do it! We didn't do it with Wyatt, but I really think it would be a nice thing to have. My mission is to call tomorrow and try to schedule it for next week. I'm thinking that would be a good time. The assistant at my OB's office (who I LOVE), said that this is a good time.

I'm still not taking a lot of belly pics. I want to, but I just don't. With Wyatt, I took them every week, hell, I posted them on Facebook!!! I even made C take one last picture when we were leaving for the hospital. It's so hard to look at. My face is all red and I'm crying and I look so, so sad. I haven't even announced this pregnancy on FB this time and there are people I haven't told yet. I'm scared. Scared of somehow making bad things happen because I tell people??!!!! I know it makes zero sense, but that's how I feel.

I bought a baby book yesterday and started to write in it. I'm really anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I know I've said this before, but I think that will really help me to feel more connected.

Seeing my nephew and my friend JF's baby, make me happy and sad. Happy because it gives me tangible proof that people have live, healthy, babies every day. And sad because I should have Wyatt. He should be 5 1/2 months old. My heart aches for him. I also think that if I hadn't lost Wyatt, I wouldn't be pregnant with his brother or sister right now. I had a BLM tell me that she had to look at her loss in the following way- If she hadn't lost her son, her daughter never would have been born. And maybe that was the way the universe intended it.

I don't understand the intentions of this universe, there are so many times that they simply don't add up for me....

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Calming down

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well. I feel pretty good, except for the nausea, but I'm on Zofran and that helps enough, I have a great husband, I'm pregnant, a great family, an amazing dog, a beautiful home. I work doing what I want to, Gardening, and my hours are very flexible....And then I think of my Wyatt, and feel like I'm gasping for air. Just gasping. I can barely do it. Please don't misunderstand. I am so grateful for all the good in my life, but there is still a deep sadness I carry, and always will. I know it will dull and morph with time, like the loss of my father has, but I still feel it so close. I not only think about him all the time, but I live in fear that we'll have the same thing happen to us again. I don't think I've really mentally connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt. Maybe part of it is not knowing the sex yet, but I know that I'm trying somehow to preserve myself. I honestly have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, but that doesn't totally get rid of the panic.

Last night I had some sharp shooting pain on the left side. The first time I just ignored it, then it happened again. It was pretty intense pain. I was sure it wasn't gas. I called the Dr. even though I thought that maybe it was round ligament pain. After talking with the on call Dr., I was convinced it was round ligament pain. I didn't have it again all night. Then I woke up at 3:00 am to pee with a stomach ache. I was feeling gassy and uncomfortable and I started freaking out. What if there was something really wrong? Needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep until 5:30 am. I woke up exhausted, but got all ready for work, and then while I waited for my sister, JA, who works for me, I decided to use my doppler and check the heart beat. I couldn't find it. I freaked out. I got up moved around and tried again, still I couldn't find it. That was when C came in to tell me he was leaving. I told him I couldn't find it and he freaked out, too. Which made me freak out more. He had to get rid of my sister who had shown up by then. When he came back in, I tried again, and found it, Thank god!!! I called the OB and they fit me in for mid morning. Everything was fine. He found the heartbeat right away. He thinks that the pain may have been my ovary, because I had some tenderness when he pushed on the area.

After that I was emotionally exhausted . My sister, JR, and her husband were down for the day and I had planned on meeting them for a late lunch, so I did. It was nice to sit and relax with them. I'm realizing that I'm not taking the time to enjoy this pregnancy. I really need to start being more relaxed. I feel like this week has been particularly emotional for me. I had to bring my grandmother's cat to the vet to be put down on Monday (There was no one to take him after my grandmother's death, he was 21 1/2 years old...). It was devastating to me. I didn't think it would be that bad, it was what she wanted. He never would have made it at a shelter and all us kids have dogs. I guess I felt like it was the last little piece of her. The vet said..."This is NOT the way to start a week." I guess he was right.

So, my goal now is to try to calm down. I need to enjoy this time. Oh, and my anatomy scan is scheduled for August 16th!! I'm also going to meet with a Perientologist at the same time so that we can get a plan together for the rest of this pregnancy.

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Hello, Hello!

Hi! Welcome to my blog. A little about me and this blog....I started this blog after the loss of my son, Wyatt, at 26 weeks. He was conceived with IVF, and what started out as a miracle turned into our worst nightmare. After his loss I tried again as soon as we could, and had a chemical pregnancy, then IVF # 3, and it was a success. I'm 15 weeks, 2 days, today.

That's the very short version, but it's a little insight to where I'm at right now and how I got here. I miss my Wyatt everyday. I blog about all kinds of things, and I would love for you to join me.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Freak Out

I guess I'm more emotional than I've realized. Yesterday, I went with C to run some errands. He reeled me in by suggesting we go to lunch and then mentioning he had a few stops first. I was fine with it. It's been so damn hot, I just cant get anything done outside and I really wasn't feeling like cleaning the house. We didn't make it to lunch until 2:15 or so. I was starving, having not eaten since 8:00am. So, lunch takes forever and when I finally get the salad I ordered, it was all wrong. It took me a minute to figure out that she had given me the dressing that I wanted on the side and put other dressing (that I had said I didn't want) on it. Gross. So I send it back and she says she can fix it quickly. I'm doubtful considering it already took about 45 min to get the damn thing, but I give her the benefit of the doubt. a few minutes later, she plops down a new salad and walks off. Obviously they had salvaged whatever chicken they could from the original salad, because it was covered in that dressing and this salad didn't even have the stuff it should have. I got pissed and actually started to cry! Poor C. I was like I want to leave! Get her attention, I want to see the manager. Of course by this time he was almost done with his meal anyway. I'd like to say the manager was apologetic, but he sort of acted like it was unavoidable?!? I mean seriously, I know I overreacted, but this would have pissed me off, pregnant or not. I just wouldn't have cried. We didn't pay for the salad, but don't worry, they made sure C paid for his meal and still charged us for the seltzer waters at over $2 a piece. C got me a Greek salad from my favorite pizza place on the way home. I'm definitely going to write a letter to their corporate office. It's little things like that that I think make or break a place, and when it's a chain, they should go out of their way to make things right. Am I insane????

On a whole other note...I'm feeling the baby a lot more and I cannot wait to find out the sex, three more weeks!!! 15 weeks tomorrow!!! Wooohoooo!!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Thank You

I had always thought that bad things were rare. That if there were 1 in 100 odds, odds were you wouldn't know the 1, but loosing Wyatt changed all that. I've started thinking about odds and realizing that someone is that 1, every time.

There is a lot of joy in the blogging community that we have, and there's a lot of pain. I am struck by people's perseverance and ability to be that 1, not once, but often two or three times. I know I haven't been great about commenting lately, but I want to say thank you to all the people who share their stories with me. Without you, I wouldn't be where I am today mentally or emotionally. 

Today, I'm praying that all of us get to be in the majority, and not the minority from now on.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Not Sleeping

Good Morning! I know, It's not that early (6:50am) BUT it is Saturday and I was up at 5:30am...when I bolted up in horror that I'd forgotten my Love.nox shot last night!  I usually take it around 8:00pm or so. I don't know what happened last night, I had thrown up from a late lunch (sorry, TMI) so we ate a late dinner and I guess I just got off schedule. After reading around a bit, I decided to start taking the shot in the morning. I took it today at 6:00am and I'll move it to 7:00am tomorrow. I think that's better for me. There are too many times at night where if we're going somewhere, or something, I have to take it late or early. I of course freaked out. Crying, trying not to hyperventilate, and C somehow thought I was blaming him and was not very comforting at all! He just didn't want the blame, but I wasn't blaming him, I was just freaking out, and needed some support.

The past few days have been a little off, because on Thursday evening Mema (my grandmother) passed away. I have been feeling off emotionally, and physically, I'm exhausted from not sleeping for a couple of nights. I keep waking up finding it hard to believe that when I go to her house she won't be there, that I can't call her. As I said in my post when she first went in to the hospital, she was a very important part of my life. She was my last living grandparent and my father's mother. Adding this new loss to my list, brings up a lot of pain from the previous losses in my life. Her wake a funeral will be next weekend and I intend to speak at the funeral. I miss her, and I am deeply saddened that my kids will never meet her. I'll leave you with some words of wisdom from Mema "Rain makes you grow!" (told to 6 of us grand kids to keep us playing outside even if it was raining!)