Random

I've been contemplating getting a 3D ultrasound and I think I'm going to do it! We didn't do it with Wyatt, but I really think it would be a nice thing to have. My mission is to call tomorrow and try to schedule it for next week. I'm thinking that would be a good time. The assistant at my OB's office (who I LOVE), said that this is a good time.

I'm still not taking a lot of belly pics. I want to, but I just don't. With Wyatt, I took them every week, hell, I posted them on Facebook!!! I even made C take one last picture when we were leaving for the hospital. It's so hard to look at. My face is all red and I'm crying and I look so, so sad. I haven't even announced this pregnancy on FB this time and there are people I haven't told yet. I'm scared. Scared of somehow making bad things happen because I tell people??!!!! I know it makes zero sense, but that's how I feel.

I bought a baby book yesterday and started to write in it. I'm really anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I know I've said this before, but I think that will really help me to feel more connected.

Seeing my nephew and my friend JF's baby, make me happy and sad. Happy because it gives me tangible proof that people have live, healthy, babies every day. And sad because I should have Wyatt. He should be 5 1/2 months old. My heart aches for him. I also think that if I hadn't lost Wyatt, I wouldn't be pregnant with his brother or sister right now. I had a BLM tell me that she had to look at her loss in the following way- If she hadn't lost her son, her daughter never would have been born. And maybe that was the way the universe intended it.

I don't understand the intentions of this universe, there are so many times that they simply don't add up for me....

Rainy Day

 Lux

I had high hopes for today when I got up this morning. I was thinking that the rain would stop and I could get some work done, but alas, it's still drizzling. It's just as well, I had a rough night. I couldn't fall asleep until 11:00, despite being exhausted, then at about 2:15, I felt Lux nosing me. Her bed is on the floor right next to me and she sometimes does that when her cover come off. Yes, she is spoiled! But, I quickly realized that the smoke alarm was going off. Not the little beep, but a longer high pitched noise. C hasn't been feeling too good, so I went to check things out. Our system is all hard wired, but there are two with battery back-ups and sometimes they do this when they need the battery replaced. So annoying that it would happen in the middle of the night. Lux was pretty pissed, too. She followed me to get the new batteries, change the one upstairs, and change the one downstairs, but it would still beep on and off. I knew it was coming from upstairs, but, WTF?!? I finally guessed to carbon monoxide detector! Of course that's what it was! I replaced the battery and it was fine. Why do the things run low on batteries in the middle of the night??? They must know it's the most annoying time! I was up until 4:00 tossing and turning. At 5:00, C woke up feeling really crappy. So, I'm freaking beat today!!!

This is the baby at 8 weeks 1 day. You can't tell in the picture, but you could see the little arms and the legs on the screen. And of course that little heart beating away. I have my last visit with Dr. B on Tuesday and I can't wait to see the baby again.

I just want to preface this next paragraph by saying I'm not complaining! I have been so sick with this pregnancy! I thought the sea bands were the answer, but they're not! This past Saturday, I was so sick I actually spent the whole day on the couch with trips to throw up the food I hadn't eaten! I seem to have a really bad day followed by a semi-bad day. I had extra saliva with Wyatt, but I think it went away around 8 weeks or so, this is still going strong and no matter what I eat I feel ill. I've been throwing up almost every night after dinner which seems to be the worst meal for me. C is so funny, he's always wondering if we should call the Dr.. The throwing up really makes him nervous. If I'm still this ill next week, I'll talk to the OB about it on Wednesday.

Sea Bands

Tonight, while, I was waiting for my Lovenox script, feeling super crappy and I remembered those Sea bands. I've heard people talk about them and when I was pregnant with Wyatt, I kept meaning to try them. Well, I think they're actually working! I didn't toss my cookies after dinner and I didn't feel like death! I do of course look like an 80's rocker, but that's ok.

My appointment with Dr. B went really, really well. The baby was measuring exactly right and the heartbeat was 156. I do have an ultrasound pic and I'll scan it tomorrow, I completely forgot today. He's going to keep me until 10 weeks, so my last ultrasound will be June 15th and then I see Dr. P, the OB, on the 16th. I felt so much better seeing that little heart on the monitor.

While we were waiting for the ultrasound, a couple came out and the woman was crying, very silently. (There's a lot of seeing someone and then going back out into the waiting room to see someone else.) I felt so bad for her. I wanted to console her, obviously not appropriate, but I felt like just letting her know that she wasn't alone. Her husband kept getting up like he didn't know what to say to her. Sometimes I wish that the waiting rooms were full of people telling you their stories and sharing and supporting one another, but instead we all sit there, quiet, almost pretending like this is not really going on, and we're here to get our teeth cleaned. I'm usually a pretty open person, but I've never gotten the feeling that anyone there wants to talk to me. Only once did someone say something to me, it was at the ultrasound place near my house that the clinic sends us to. I was waiting in there with this woman, and she kept smiling. She had the appointment right before me, when she was leaving I said good luck! She stopped and smiled and said that she always figures when she sees some in there for the first morning ultrasound appointments who's our age, but no one ever says anything! She said "We're all in the same boat, it's sad, and it's hard. Thanks. Good luck to you, too."

On another subject, my youngest sister, A, got engaged tonight!!! She's so cute, she texted me a picture of her hand with the ring on it! I'm siked for her, they've been together forever and she has been DYING for this moment. 

Baby

The ultrasound went awesome! We have one beautiful baby in there, measuring at exactly 6 weeks (perfect!!) with a heart beating away!!!! Yay!!! The heart rate is just above 100, which Dr. B says is great. Of course I looked it up, normal for 6 weeks is 90-110, so we're right on.

He kept me on the Crinone and I'm going back on June 1st for my 8 week ultrasound. I'm pretty sure he'll keep me until 10 weeks, which is their limit. I'm actually very nervous about picking an OB. The one I used with Wyatt was nice and all, and that is who Dr. B recommends, but I just don't know if I can do it. I was in their ultrasound room when I found out we'd lost Wyatt. They walked me over to the hospital. So many bad memories. On the other hand, we won't be alone, there will have to be a fetal/maternal specialist because I'm on the Lovenox. I have a feeling that this OB will work with me and pretty much give me what I need. I'm thinking about calling over there and seeing if he'll call me back. We saw him after we lost Wyatt and he was really great with us, he did say that if I went to him when we got pregnant again he would do everything he could to help me through this.

On another note...my sister, JR, gave birth to my nephew this morning at 1:04am....I can't wait to meet him! I'm heading up there tomorrow morning. Apparently he has more hair than any baby ever! lol

Worry...

So, I'm sure everything is alright. I still have all my symptoms, but I am scared to death. I look every time I wipe (sorry, TMI!) not that I've ever had a miscarriage like that because I haven't. I was scared in the beginning with Wyatt, too, but this is even worse.

I am trying to remember that every little pain doesn't mean something is wrong. I definitely have what I would describe as as achy abdomen. It's off and on, and it seems to be worse if I've had a long day on my feet. Like I've said before it feels like I've done too many sit-ups. I had it with Wyatt, too. This is normal, right? I get so nervous.

I cannot wait for my ultrasound on Monday. Once I see that (those) little heartbeat(s), I will feel so much better. The waiting is like torture. I think your uterus should come with a window! I NEED to see what's up in there!

So, for now, I'm thinking good thoughts and praying that the weekend flies by....

Thinking...

I have all our Christmas stuff down in the basement and today while I was out I finally got some much needed plastic bins to better organize it. We didn't do anything for Christmas this year. I just didn't have the energy to put up all the lights and to hang all the decorations. We didn't get a tree, there were no presents. I was fine with this, this was what I wanted. But today when I was organizing the Christmas stuff, I got sad. I love Christmas. It's by far my favorite time of the year. I've always felt there's something magical about it. That whole time of the year is magical to me. I love baking cookies and wrapping presents. I love the smell of the pine. I love buying things for people and surprising them. I love my surprises. I love it all. I was still so sad at that time, I just couldn't do it. I'm sad now, but it's different. It's like the fog has lifted a little. If Christmas came again next week, I could do it. I would cry, but I would rather do it than not do it.

When I realized this, I saw how far I've come from even a little over a month ago. The dates and numbers don't dance in my head as often as they used to. Sunday was 12 weeks since Wyatt was born, and Monday would've marked 38 weeks if I'd still been pregnant. Maybe it's because I have new numbers dancing in my head. I've had 5 days of stims, I'll have a 2 week wait... Even as the time passes, I still think about Wyatt every day, I miss him, everyday. I think a lot about how my father died so young. He was 38. I cannot even imagine the pain my grandparents felt when he died. I think of that every time I see my grandmother. I understand how she can barely admit that he ever existed. That's not my way, but it's hers.

I had my ultrasound today and blood work. There were multiple follicles on both sides and 3 measurable on the right. My right side always responds better. This is the side that I had the problem with all the cysts and ended up in the hospital after the embryo transfer last time. Let's hope it behaves this time! The nurse said my estrogen was rising very well, and I'm on the same dose and another ultrasound and blood on Friday.