Thinking...

I have all our Christmas stuff down in the basement and today while I was out I finally got some much needed plastic bins to better organize it. We didn't do anything for Christmas this year. I just didn't have the energy to put up all the lights and to hang all the decorations. We didn't get a tree, there were no presents. I was fine with this, this was what I wanted. But today when I was organizing the Christmas stuff, I got sad. I love Christmas. It's by far my favorite time of the year. I've always felt there's something magical about it. That whole time of the year is magical to me. I love baking cookies and wrapping presents. I love the smell of the pine. I love buying things for people and surprising them. I love my surprises. I love it all. I was still so sad at that time, I just couldn't do it. I'm sad now, but it's different. It's like the fog has lifted a little. If Christmas came again next week, I could do it. I would cry, but I would rather do it than not do it.

When I realized this, I saw how far I've come from even a little over a month ago. The dates and numbers don't dance in my head as often as they used to. Sunday was 12 weeks since Wyatt was born, and Monday would've marked 38 weeks if I'd still been pregnant. Maybe it's because I have new numbers dancing in my head. I've had 5 days of stims, I'll have a 2 week wait... Even as the time passes, I still think about Wyatt every day, I miss him, everyday. I think a lot about how my father died so young. He was 38. I cannot even imagine the pain my grandparents felt when he died. I think of that every time I see my grandmother. I understand how she can barely admit that he ever existed. That's not my way, but it's hers.

I had my ultrasound today and blood work. There were multiple follicles on both sides and 3 measurable on the right. My right side always responds better. This is the side that I had the problem with all the cysts and ended up in the hospital after the embryo transfer last time. Let's hope it behaves this time! The nurse said my estrogen was rising very well, and I'm on the same dose and another ultrasound and blood on Friday.