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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Missing Wyatt (10 Days)

I'm really missing my Wyatt today. Yes, tomorrow is his due date, but that's not the only reason. I know that the whole dead baby thing makes people uncomfortable, but why is it that people just keep telling me to move on? Obviously, I am moving on, but I won't ever pretend that this didn't happen! I think that's what people expect. That as I move on, they won't have to hear about him. Well, guess what..... Part of me moving on is talking about him and remembering him.

I have one friend who is pregnant right now, J, and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her. She lets me talk about whatever the hell I want to. I never feel like she's trying to change the subject or just listening, but wanting to change the conversation. She asks questions, and genuinely wants to hear the answers. Thank god for her. I also have my friend, D, she's amazing, too. I've mentioned both of these friends before...D was pregnant friend #3 who had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. She's been through her own roller coaster and she's still been there for me every step of the way. It's like she knows just when to text, or call. My mother has been going through her own stuff, but has been there for me. And my step father (he's not really my step father anymore, he's my sister's father but he's not married to my mom anymore) has been wonderful. He calls me all the time and although we've always been close, I feel closer to him than ever.

There are only a few people in my everyday life who know we're trying again: My mom, my friends, J&D, and my grandparents best friends. I didn't tell my sister who's pregnant, mainly because she is so stressed out with her pregnancy and everything she's been going through. Also, I can't talk about Wyatt with her. I think it scares her, being pregnant and all. But it hurts me that she doesn't even want to see a picture of him. I guess I feel like, so what, it might make you cry. Is that so awful? He's your nephew. She's really not in a place where I can have a conversation about any of this with her, and that's ok, but I can't share select pieces and omit any of my thoughts or feelings that might upset her. And because of that, I've decided not even involve her until I've gotten my BFP and had my first ultrasound. Sometimes I think this is the wrong approach, because she might be angry that I hadn't been sharing all along, but this is what I need to do for myself. I have two other sisters and a brother, but I'm the closest with her. My other siblings wouldn't expect me to share any of this with them. I didn't tell my step father, because I didn't want to put him in an awkward situation.

So, Happy Valentines Day. I'm thinking about you my little Wyatt. I love you.


  1. Thinking about Wyatt with you. I'm so glad that you have some friends who are so supportive, and that you do have members of your family who will talk about both the cycle and about Wyatt. I hope you recieve all of the support you need.

  2. Yes, as you've discovered after loosing a baby, you will find who you can and can't talk about this stuff with. I don't feel comfortable talking with my sister either because I don't think she really understands how the losses have changed me. It makes me sad, but not a lot I can do about that.

    I've distanted myself from some friends and made some strong connections with new friends based on our sad shared experiences. It's important to talk about it to help with the healing process and I'm glad you have someone to do that with. The thing is, idk if we ever really heal, and we certainly don't forget. We just learn how to function differently.

  3. Angie- Thanks. I couldn't do it without the support I get on here, too.

    Rachel- I've found the same thing about the people in my life. I seem to avoid some people because I can't be myself. Loosing a baby changes us forever.

  4. support makes all the difference in the world. I am glad that you have some in your life. People want you to become your old self and parts of you will, but you will never be 100% of your old self. *hugs*