•556•

It didn't double, it didn't triple, it more than quadrupled!! 556!! I said to C this morning, I hope it's near 600...and I was shocked to hear it is. My little Loven.ox baby (ies???) is (are) doing awesome! I knew the first number was great, but I found myself holding my breath this morning as I walked int the Quest. And then after 1:00 I started looking at the time every few minutes.

My ultrasound is scheduled for 9:45am on Monday the 17th. I can't wait.

I started my Loven.ox on Monday night and so far no bruises. C has been giving me the shots and he is seriously a pro. I just have a speck where I was pricked which isn't so bad, because then you can see where yesterday's shot was. They are semi painful, but I really don't care! It's a welcome pain....talk to me in 8 months, I may be over it then. The cost of the Loven.ox is a whole other story. My insurance, which is an expensive plan, has crappy prescription coverage. I had to write what I would basically term a begging letter to the insurance company to switch to another plan that has better coverage. We'll see, the woman said it takes a few weeks to hear from them.

As far as it goes with my sister, JA, after my initial freak out, I realized that it will be nice to have a niece or nephew that is so close to my child's age. And there really is nothing about her pregnancy that will take away from me. She is already having a hard time, because our youngest sister, A, told her she was crazy to have a child right now, and she told her father-in-law who said "That's nice.". Her and my brother-in-law have a son, who's 7. She got pregnant with him unexpectedly at 21 and they've definitely had their struggles as a family over the past seven years. She seemed really upset that no one seems excited for her. She is an amazing mom, and even though they weren't planning this, and maybe right now isn't the best time financially, I know that she really wants this baby and is really excited. We have different moms, but the same dad. Our dad passed away 16 years ago, he was awesome, her mother on the other hand is not what I'd call a good mom. She has hardly any involvement with with my nephew, and I can only imagine what her response will be to this. I am blessed with a mom who is one of my best friends. I told her I'm excited for her.

I am now going to rest before making dinner, I'm exhausted! I forgot how tired I get in the beginning!

Missing Wyatt (10 Days)

I'm really missing my Wyatt today. Yes, tomorrow is his due date, but that's not the only reason. I know that the whole dead baby thing makes people uncomfortable, but why is it that people just keep telling me to move on? Obviously, I am moving on, but I won't ever pretend that this didn't happen! I think that's what people expect. That as I move on, they won't have to hear about him. Well, guess what..... Part of me moving on is talking about him and remembering him.

I have one friend who is pregnant right now, J, and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her. She lets me talk about whatever the hell I want to. I never feel like she's trying to change the subject or just listening, but wanting to change the conversation. She asks questions, and genuinely wants to hear the answers. Thank god for her. I also have my friend, D, she's amazing, too. I've mentioned both of these friends before...D was pregnant friend #3 who had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. She's been through her own roller coaster and she's still been there for me every step of the way. It's like she knows just when to text, or call. My mother has been going through her own stuff, but has been there for me. And my step father (he's not really my step father anymore, he's my sister's father but he's not married to my mom anymore) has been wonderful. He calls me all the time and although we've always been close, I feel closer to him than ever.

There are only a few people in my everyday life who know we're trying again: My mom, my friends, J&D, and my grandparents best friends. I didn't tell my sister who's pregnant, mainly because she is so stressed out with her pregnancy and everything she's been going through. Also, I can't talk about Wyatt with her. I think it scares her, being pregnant and all. But it hurts me that she doesn't even want to see a picture of him. I guess I feel like, so what, it might make you cry. Is that so awful? He's your nephew. She's really not in a place where I can have a conversation about any of this with her, and that's ok, but I can't share select pieces and omit any of my thoughts or feelings that might upset her. And because of that, I've decided not even involve her until I've gotten my BFP and had my first ultrasound. Sometimes I think this is the wrong approach, because she might be angry that I hadn't been sharing all along, but this is what I need to do for myself. I have two other sisters and a brother, but I'm the closest with her. My other siblings wouldn't expect me to share any of this with them. I didn't tell my step father, because I didn't want to put him in an awkward situation.

So, Happy Valentines Day. I'm thinking about you my little Wyatt. I love you.

Better..

My sister is feeling much better! Yay! She is still snuggled in her bed, and my step-dad (who is the best dad ever...he raised me, too, because my father died when I was 14) is still there taking care of her. She said no contractions today, and the stomach pain seems to be getting better. Thank god!

My day started off with a bang...I may not have my period, but I've definitely got all the emotions that go with it!!! C was asking me all these questions about what they were going to do if I don't get it, and I would tell him what I knew, then he would ask more questions. I felt like I was being interrogated! I did loose my temper a little bit. But the day turned out ok.

So, still no period. I guess that there will be no period at this point. I will call tomorrow and they will set me up for blood tests on Friday which will be day 14 on the Lupron. I am just trying to remind myself that it's not about bleeding it's about hormone levels!

I'm typing this from the guest room, because C thinks he's coming down with something and I can not get sick! I miss him, but I actually don't mind sleeping in the guest room sometimes. We don't allow our dog, Lux, on the bed in our room, but she's allowed on this one, so I get to sleep with her, which is nice.

Monday stunk...Tuesday was better...hoping Wednesday rocks...

In general, I think Mondays tend to stink, but yesterday was worse than usual. I got up earlier than I like to and then received a call from my mom that my pregnant sister was at the hospital. She's 24 weeks. She was having what my mom described as "uncomfortable pressure". I guess it was uncomfortable enough to make her go to the hospital! Anyway, I freaked out. Things turned out okay. I had some work to do only about 20 minutes from that hospital (she lives about and hour and a half from me) and even though my mom and step dad were on their way there, I decided to go and see her at the hospital. I wasn't sure at first if it would be a good idea, she was in labor and delivery.....I just wasn't sure if I could handle it. After finally talking to her and hearing how scared she sounded, I knew that I had to go there. I arrived just in time to take her home. She wasn't dilated and they had given her some medication to help with the contractions.

As always the Medical profession in my opinion seems so nonchalant about it!
Why is this happening?
      Mmm, don't know, just happens???!!!
Really??
     Could be something you ate, stress, etc.
Huh?
   They'll probably come back.
Well, that's reassuring!
     If you have them for an hour in a half at 10 minutes apart, definitely come back in.
Again, reassuring!

After I brought her home, my mom and step dad showed up. I stayed for a little while, and then headed home. Which took over 2 hours because we were having a hurricane like storm. I talked to them a few times last night and all seemed well, but this morning, my mom told me they'd gone back to the hospital last night. She was home again and this time the Dr. seems to be relatively certain that the cause is some GI issue. Hmm...Apparently my sister says someone else was in there with the same thing!?!? Now her stomach is killing her, but she seems better, probably having something as a possible cause makes it a little less upsetting. I'm still very nervous, but I know she'll be alright.

On another front, I still haven't gotten my PERIOD!!!! I called today and asked what happens if I don't get it by Thursday, which was when she told me to call if I hadn't gotten it. The nurse told me, they will test my hormones on Friday and usually even though there hasn't been a "bleed" the hormones are where they need them to be. I guess that the hormones are the important thing, not the actual period. I'm still hoping to get it. Tomorrow maybe? Tomorrow will be day 33, I don't think it's ever been that late before.

So, I'm hoping that tomorrow I get AF and my little sister is feeling a whole lot better.

Ok...another pregnant friend!

Maybe it's my age? I don't know. But right now, I have a pregnant sister and two pregnant friends! These are the three closest people to me, right now. Honestly it's strange. Like I said, maybe it's my age, maybe we're just in the baby time of our lives, but their ages have a span...from 27-37, and up until yesterday, I was struggling with this. It seems so unfair. A baby as a "mistake"? I wish! C and I tried for 2 1/2 years, and no mistakes! I mean tried..I tracked my ovulation, everything. We know know what the problem was, but I still find it upsetting that people just get pregnant. Or I did until yesterday. When I found out #3 was pregnant yesterday, somehow, I felt hope. I know that I will have to get pregnant with IVF, but if all these woman can get pregnant and stay pregnant around me, suddenly the anger, jealousy and other negative emotions that I've been feeling (no matter what I do to try to pretend they're not there) were gone. I started to feel like they could give me hope. I know when I get pregnant again, (hopefully really soon) I will be scared to death every day. And now I realize that watching my friends and my sister will give me the power to get through this, and we will all have children that are close in age. Another plus. One of my friends lives very close, and we will be pregnant at the same time (she is JUST pregnant), this will be really nice.
The hardest part of this has been my sister. We have always been very close. She has always been my best friend. And this whole thing has torn us apart. When she first found out she was pregnant, I was just about 19 weeks along with Wyatt. Her pregnancy was completely unplanned, and in reality, even though I know her and her husband are elated to be having this baby, I know this is not the best time for them. She was very negative in the beginning. Looking back I can completely understand how hard it must have been for her, but I just had a hard time seeing it that way. It's not that I didn't want her to be pregnant, but this was something that I had worked so hard for, and cherished, and it happens to her without her even working at it and she didn't even appreciate it. I had a really hard time with her attitude toward the inconvenience that it was causing her.
Now, looking back, I wish that I hadn't felt that way, I wish I'd just been happy for her, and helped her to work through her fears. When we lost Wyatt, she didn't even come and see me. I think this was because she didn't know how to act around me. I finally saw her the week before Christmas. It was pretty normal. I can only hope that the rift that was forming is going away. I love her so much.