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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ok...another pregnant friend!

Maybe it's my age? I don't know. But right now, I have a pregnant sister and two pregnant friends! These are the three closest people to me, right now. Honestly it's strange. Like I said, maybe it's my age, maybe we're just in the baby time of our lives, but their ages have a span...from 27-37, and up until yesterday, I was struggling with this. It seems so unfair. A baby as a "mistake"? I wish! C and I tried for 2 1/2 years, and no mistakes! I mean tried..I tracked my ovulation, everything. We know know what the problem was, but I still find it upsetting that people just get pregnant. Or I did until yesterday. When I found out #3 was pregnant yesterday, somehow, I felt hope. I know that I will have to get pregnant with IVF, but if all these woman can get pregnant and stay pregnant around me, suddenly the anger, jealousy and other negative emotions that I've been feeling (no matter what I do to try to pretend they're not there) were gone. I started to feel like they could give me hope. I know when I get pregnant again, (hopefully really soon) I will be scared to death every day. And now I realize that watching my friends and my sister will give me the power to get through this, and we will all have children that are close in age. Another plus. One of my friends lives very close, and we will be pregnant at the same time (she is JUST pregnant), this will be really nice.
The hardest part of this has been my sister. We have always been very close. She has always been my best friend. And this whole thing has torn us apart. When she first found out she was pregnant, I was just about 19 weeks along with Wyatt. Her pregnancy was completely unplanned, and in reality, even though I know her and her husband are elated to be having this baby, I know this is not the best time for them. She was very negative in the beginning. Looking back I can completely understand how hard it must have been for her, but I just had a hard time seeing it that way. It's not that I didn't want her to be pregnant, but this was something that I had worked so hard for, and cherished, and it happens to her without her even working at it and she didn't even appreciate it. I had a really hard time with her attitude toward the inconvenience that it was causing her.
Now, looking back, I wish that I hadn't felt that way, I wish I'd just been happy for her, and helped her to work through her fears. When we lost Wyatt, she didn't even come and see me. I think this was because she didn't know how to act around me. I finally saw her the week before Christmas. It was pretty normal. I can only hope that the rift that was forming is going away. I love her so much.


  1. I just got your comment, and am so touched. I am just so very, very sorry for your loss, and what you've had to endure. Our IVF babies are just such miracles, you know? Please let me know if you want/need to talk at all!

    I think it's just amazing that you're doing so much to still be close to your sister. I know how hard it is to be 100% happy for people sometimes, even when 98% of you is - especially if every ounce of our reason is pressed when they are ungrateful for that pregnancy.


  2. Thanks! Reading your blog, I feel like I know a lot of what you're going through, it inspired me to start my own. And all ready I feel like it's helping!
    My sister is an amazing person and I realized that I felt like I'd lost my best friend. If I didn't start to let go of any negative feelings I have/had, then not only would I have lost Wyatt, but I'll have lost her, too. I can't take that kind of pain. It hurts to see her pregnant and not be myself, but that's going to be my nephew, and I love him, too!

    Thanks again for your kind words!

  3. Oh how I know this pain!! I am glad though that you and your sister are trying to heal your rift. I was not so lucky, but I can't blame myself for that.

    You have a great attitude!! *hugs*