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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last Day Of 2009...

Well, today is the last day of 2009. I can't say that I'm in any way sad to see it go. I just keep telling myself that 2010 will be a better year. I had a rough morning. First thing, I saw on Facebook that another acquaintance is pregnant!! I mean seriously WTF?! All the feelings that I had come to terms with as of yesterday came flooding back. Maybe because I was taken completely off guard. This happens to be someone who I specifically asked about having kids and I got the impression that it wasn't something she was into, at all!!! And this caused me to have a fight with C. I crawled back into bed with him and told him, and somehow we started playing the blame game. I won't recount the exact details of our argument, but he's one of those people that becomes very defensive whenever he feels bad about something. Like if he asks me for help with a project and it takes longer than he thought it would, even if I'm not showing any signs of being upset, he will start to be a jerk to compensate for his feeling bad about making me work so hard. Obviously I know this, I just wrote about it, but still I always get hurt when he says mean things to me. I know he doesn't mean them, and he will inevitably apologize, but I never forget the things he says, and in the moment, I react, I can't help it!
So like I was saying...good-bye 2009! May 2010 be a great year. May it bring us a beautiful baby, or babies...May it bring my many pregnant friends happy, healthy babies, may it bring my mom a happier relationship, may it bring my grandmother better health, may it bring C some peace with his decisions in life...And may all those that I love stay safe and healthy...May 2010 be a great year for us all...Peace

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ok...another pregnant friend!

Maybe it's my age? I don't know. But right now, I have a pregnant sister and two pregnant friends! These are the three closest people to me, right now. Honestly it's strange. Like I said, maybe it's my age, maybe we're just in the baby time of our lives, but their ages have a span...from 27-37, and up until yesterday, I was struggling with this. It seems so unfair. A baby as a "mistake"? I wish! C and I tried for 2 1/2 years, and no mistakes! I mean tried..I tracked my ovulation, everything. We know know what the problem was, but I still find it upsetting that people just get pregnant. Or I did until yesterday. When I found out #3 was pregnant yesterday, somehow, I felt hope. I know that I will have to get pregnant with IVF, but if all these woman can get pregnant and stay pregnant around me, suddenly the anger, jealousy and other negative emotions that I've been feeling (no matter what I do to try to pretend they're not there) were gone. I started to feel like they could give me hope. I know when I get pregnant again, (hopefully really soon) I will be scared to death every day. And now I realize that watching my friends and my sister will give me the power to get through this, and we will all have children that are close in age. Another plus. One of my friends lives very close, and we will be pregnant at the same time (she is JUST pregnant), this will be really nice.
The hardest part of this has been my sister. We have always been very close. She has always been my best friend. And this whole thing has torn us apart. When she first found out she was pregnant, I was just about 19 weeks along with Wyatt. Her pregnancy was completely unplanned, and in reality, even though I know her and her husband are elated to be having this baby, I know this is not the best time for them. She was very negative in the beginning. Looking back I can completely understand how hard it must have been for her, but I just had a hard time seeing it that way. It's not that I didn't want her to be pregnant, but this was something that I had worked so hard for, and cherished, and it happens to her without her even working at it and she didn't even appreciate it. I had a really hard time with her attitude toward the inconvenience that it was causing her.
Now, looking back, I wish that I hadn't felt that way, I wish I'd just been happy for her, and helped her to work through her fears. When we lost Wyatt, she didn't even come and see me. I think this was because she didn't know how to act around me. I finally saw her the week before Christmas. It was pretty normal. I can only hope that the rift that was forming is going away. I love her so much.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 3 tests, and baby clothes

I got in touch with the the IVF Nurse first thing this morning, it's day 3 of AF!!! Finally! So, I had the day 3 blood tests this morning, I have a saline infused sonogram on Monday the 4th, and C and I have a follow-up appointment with the RE to go over everything on the 6th. By then my 2nd protein S test should be back. I definitely am positive for the MTHFR mutation, homozygous. Which as I understand it means I have two mutated genes. After my appointment I will be completely clear on what the plan will be for this next pregnancy. I know it's probably wishing on a star, but there's a small part of me that's holding out hope he'll let us start the lupron on day 21 of this cycle, not likely, but you never know.
I feel like we're headed towards something now, instead of just an indefinite wait. I went into the baby section at Marshalls today and I was able to look at the baby clothes with a smile instead of cringing away from them. My sister is pregnant, and expecting a boy in May, and I wanted to get a few things for her. It's so hard for me to think of my nephew without thinking about baby Wyatt. I'm really happy for her, but it's hard for me to have joy without feeling an immense loss. Then I start with the whys and there are no answers on that front.
When I got home I went and looked at the clothes I'd bought for Wyatt. I should have been 33 weeks today, he would have almost been here. I miss him so much. I've decided to use another room for the nursery when we get pregnant again. I think that it will help to make it a different experience. A new experience.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sunday...Christmas is finally over!

First, I guess I should say a little about myself. I met my husband 6 1/2 years ago, and for me, it was love at first sight. He took just a little convincing! I moved in with him almost a year after we met. We were engaged the following year, right around the time that his mother fell ill. In the beginning she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. My husband was very close to his mother and had always promised to take care of her when and if the time ever came. He's an only child. We started looking for a house big enough to have his parents come and live with us, and put our wedding on hold. In February of 2007, his mother's diagnosis took a turn for the worse. We found out she had bulbar ALS and fronto temperal dementia. They gave her a year to live. We moved into our new home, what was and is my dream home, and would have been his mother's dream home in March. The months that followed were some of the most trying times of my life. I won't go into detail, but his mother passed away on October 3rd, a short 8 months after being officially diagnosed. She was an amazing woman, and I don't regret a moment of the time that I spent caring for her, I would do it again in a heartbeat. The whole time, we were trying to have a baby. It was our plan to have a baby before we lost her. It never happened.
We were married in June of 2008, finally! When we returned from our honeymoon, I started getting nervous that we hadn't gotten pregnant. There had been so much going on, that almost 2 years of trying had gone by. We started down the road of fertility treatments. It was a slow beginning...all these tests. In January of 2009, we were finally at our first official appointment with the RE. Ok, more tests! I had uterine polyps removed, a minor surgery, but everything has to be done at a certain time of month, and therefore, it ends up taking FOREVER to get from A to B. We were finally cleared for IVF. On May 28th, 2009, after many hormone shots and a successful egg retrieval, they placed 2 beautiful embryos in my uterus. The two week wait was horrible, but it was all worth it when we got the call that the beta was positive!
To say that we were excited doesn't give near enough emotion to that moment. The pregnancy progressed well, no problems. I have a gardening business and I worked the whole summer, without a hitch. My birthday was November 3rd, it wasn't a particularly good birthday, my husband was in a crappy mood, and I had become obsessed with the baby's kicking or not kicking. I was just over 25 weeks. On Friday, November 6th, I woke up and didn't feel the baby. I called my OB, they told me to do a kick counting and that I could come in if I was still nervous. I couldn't feel him. I freaked out. I couldn't find his heartbeat with my doppler. I lost it. Still, somehow, I thought it was just me freaking out. My husband came in and was annoyed with my frantic state. I told him I was going to the OB, and he offered to go with me, but I could tell he thought I was just freaking out. I told him I didn't want him there.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for that moment...the first nurse couldn't find the heartbeat, and then my husband showed up just as the midwife took over...they shuffled me off to the ultrasound, and I saw her face. She just said "I'm so sorry." I screamed. And screamed. My husband sobbed. How could be be gone? How could he?
They induced me, and on Sunday November 8th at 2:09am, I gave birth to our son, Wyatt. He was beautiful. He was 1lb 11oz and 13 1/2". He looked just like me. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through, the pain is sometimes overwhelming, and yet, everyday is somehow a little better.
I started this blog to write about my journey through this pain, to write about my journey to have another child. I have found some peace in reading blogs from others who've been through similar situations, I only hope that someone will read this and maybe in some way, it will help.
Did I mention how glad I am that Christmas is finally over?