Waiting

I did a lot of thinking today. I was thinking about waiting. It seems like I'm always waiting. Since the IVF phase of our fertility quest began in January of 2009, I've been waiting. Before that, I was waiting, too, but it was different. I still had faith in the fact that I would get pregnant and even as the months ticked by, I had other things to focus on and life kept on moving. After my first appointment last January with Dr. B, the real waiting started. 

Waiting for my CD3 levels, waiting for a sonogram of my uterus, waiting for the surgery to remove my polyps, waiting for C's semen analysis, waiting to start the protocol, waiting for them to trigger me, waiting for the egg retrieval, waiting for embryo transfer, waiting for the beta, waiting for the 6 week ultrasound, waiting for the 8 week ultrasound, waiting for my first OB appointment, waiting for the next appointment, waiting for the gender scan, waiting to take my classes at the hospital, and then the world stopped. And there were shorter moments of waiting. In those days right after we lost our Wyatt, every moment seemed to be an eternity. I had noticed the waiting before, but all of a sudden it was overwhelming. Suffocating. I needed to have something to wait for that wasn't too far off.

And now I'm waiting for every moment of this IVF. When did I stop living in the moment? Did it slip away slowly with all the waiting? Because I feel like I've lost the moment, lost my faith in the future. Well, not lost my faith in the future totally, but lost faith that without my intense concentration, the future will be able to exist on its own.

 So, I'm waiting. Waiting for 7:15am to leave for the clinic, that's what I'm waiting for right now. And then I'll be waiting for my acupuncture session to start, and then my transfer. There's a lot more to wait for. So, I'm waiting.