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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Breakdowns (8 days)

Today was a bad day. Somehow it was worse than yesterday, which Wyatt's  due date and I had anticipated being hard. I felt crappy yesterday. Really dizzy. I'm assuming from the progesterone that I'm on. So, I basically just vegged on the couch for most of the day. I spent a lot of time thinking about Wyatt, and telling him how much we miss him.

I got some nice messages from friends, and one unexpected one from one of my aunts. She lost a baby between my two cousins to Trisomy 18 (I'm pretty sure it was 18) at 15 weeks and she really understood when we lost Wyatt. I never knew she'd lost a baby. I would have been about 18 or 19 at the time, but no one talked about it. There were some people who I expected to reach out to me, who didn't, people who are very close to me in my life. I really tried not to let it bother me, but this morning, C and I were going over a contract I had to fax to the contractor and he started to be mean to me. I lost it. I told him he was mean and I deserved better. Then I started crying, and I couldn't stop. I was hysterical. He had no idea what to say, but obviously I wasn't crying about the stupid contract! We talked for a few hours. It wasn't really just that I hadn't heard from this person, it was that our entire relationship has changed, and I find it overwhelmingly sad. I guess I feel a great sense of loss. And I can't even say anything to them, because there will be crying, and I'm sure that I will somehow end up being reprimanded for "upsetting" this person. I'm just sad, really sad.

I ended up breaking down again on the phone with my mom, trying to make her understand how I feel. She really does try, I have to hand it to her. And I know that she always has my best interest at heart. I know she doesn't usually read this, but incase she does..Thanks, Mom! Love You.....

So, 8 days!!! Amazing, tomorrow will be just a week. It's almost surreal to me. Last time at this point, right now, I was in the hospital with huge ovaries and cysts on them. I was actually in the pediatrics unit overnight, so I could have my own nurse. They were so nice to me. Even so, I'm super thankful to be in my own bed, without unbearable pain! And the damn drugs for the pain that made me throw-up! Boy that Wyatt was a tough cookie! He made it through that.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day.


  1. Sorry you had such a rough day, and I hope tomorrow is better! Try to be gentle with yourself right now especially with the stress and hormones!

  2. *hugs*I am sorry you had a rough day. Definately focus on you and take care of you..hoping for a great cycle for you.

  3. I'm thinking of you and I do hope today is better!

  4. I'm hoping that today is a better day for you - I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you.

  5. Thank you, everyone for all the encouragement. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you!