I've been thinking a lot lately about the holidays last year. It was awful. We didn't decorate anything, we didn't get a tree. I just couldn't do it. I was too depressed, and C doesn't care. If it wasn't for me, he certainly wouldn't bother. I did go to my sister, JR's house, for a lunch and to exchange some gifts with my mom and stepdad. I also went to my grandmother's on Xmas eve. C didn't do either of these things with me, but I felt like I'd feel more depressed if I didn't do them.
This year is so different...thank god. We have a beautiful tree that makes me smile. I've decorated and there are presents under the tree. I baked. Jackson should be here right after the New Year. These are all wonderful things. But there is still sadness that I keep trying to shake. My mom lives about 3 1/2 hours away and I can't go there for Christmas, and although she was supposed to come today with my sister, JR, my brother in-law, H, and my Nephew, baby T, the threat of a storm caused her to cancel. The rest of them are still coming because they only live about an hour and a half away, but I wish I was going to see my mom. The rest of my siblings (I share a mom with JR, and with my other 2 sisters, JA and A as well as my brother, B, I share a father.) and I see each other every Christmas Eve at my fraternal grandmother's house. But not this year. She died in July. Our first Christmas Eve without Mema. So sad. Normally I would probably be the one the pick up the tradition, but C is really not festive, he's an only child and doesn't seem to long for those family interactions on the Holidays. I certainly couldn't have really done it this year anyway. Just too much for me. We were invited to a friend's Christmas Eve party, but of course, C doesn't want to go. What else is new. I would go just for the interaction and to feel that Holiday cheer. I told him he better get with the program, because once we have Jackson we WILL be doing the holidays. There will be no more Grinch! I find it depressing to spend the entire time (we did Thanksgiving alone, too) with just C, his father, and myself. His father could totally care less. He won't even acknowledge that it's a Holiday. He sat down to a big Thanksgiving dinner with us and acted as though it was any other night. Not a word. Of course this is a man who does not seem to care at all about me being pregnant, but actually jumped out of his chair because he was so excited that I'd gotten a new car! C was devastated by that. Anyway, I'm so grateful that I have so many wonderful things in my life, right now, but I am vowing that next year, I will see my family on the Holidays, and I will enjoy them to the fullest. I try to see myself climbing out of the hole that I fell in last year, and standing in the sunlight...
I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning and an appointment with the Peri, Dr. H. I also have a bunch of nursery pics to post and some belly pics, so I'll do that tomorrow. I'd do it now, but I'm not on my computer.
I hope that everyone is enjoying the last weekend before Christmas!
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