A year ago today, my life changed forever. It was a Friday. I woke up and headed to work, but something felt wrong. Wyatt really had never moved all that much. I think he moved more at 18 weeks than at 25 when I look back. That day, though, things felt different. I never thought I would hear those words from the ultrasound tech. Never. I never thought that we would loose him. Whenever those thoughts had crept into my mind, I thought for sure I was being crazy. I remember sitting up on the ultrasound table and screaming and screaming "no!!!", and then, being who I am, I realized that I was at the OB and other pregnant women could hear me, I started saying I was sorry. God, I was worried about scaring people! The night that followed was horrible. I had been encouraged to go home and get stuff together and then I could come back and they would induce. I waited for my mom and step dad to get there and then I called, the OB I had seen was off duty and the new OB (a woman who only works weekends at the hospital and I REALLY do not like) wouldn't let me come in because there weren't enough beds. It wasn't until mid afternoon on Saturday that they took me. They started my induction and baby Wyatt was born at 2:09 am Sunday, November 8, 2009. He was 1 lb 13 oz. He was beautiful. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him. That I don't miss him.
This year is different. I has been so difficult. When I think back to those first weeks I was home, I'm amazed that I've made it this far. I wasn't sure I'd be able to leave the house again in the beginning. I don't agree that time actually heals wounds, but time does allow you to get far enough away to see things differently. I'm not sure how I made it through in the beginning. Love and support? And some days, I'm still not sure I'm going to make it through. Grief can be overwhelming when you least expect it.
I am so thankful for Jackson Wyatt. I can't wait for his safe arrival, and I know that Watt is keeping us both safe until that day comes.
I will leave you with a picture of Jackson and a picture of Wyatt, my boys....
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Top: Jackson @ 30 weeks
Bottom:Wyatt- Born at 25 weeks 6 days |
((hugs)) how quickly our lives can change forever. Thinking of you as you remember your first born son. I couldn't agree more with your statement about grief being so overwhelming when you least expect it, I have found that to be the case for me as well. I was driving home from work the other day and suddenly I was reliving the day we lost Lily, it was so overwhelming and unexpected in that moment. Hoping and praying for your son Jackson's safe arrival.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I am thinking of you as you remember your sweet baby boy.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss of Wyatt. I hope that everything continues to go well with Jackson.
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) Thinking of you all.
ReplyDeleteWhen my son died and the world made no sense to me and no one I knew understood what was going on in my head, I started reading your blog. And as crazy as I was and things seemed, I realised what I was thinking and feeling were normal. Thank you for writing.
All I can do is send you hugs, and say I still pray for you daily.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all your support. It means so much to me.
ReplyDeleteHere for ICLW. Your boys are beautiful
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