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Sunday, March 7, 2010


I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been really stressed over the renovation of one of our commercial properties, and getting the lease signed, etc. Plus I've been helping with my sister, JR's baby shower. She gave me a list of names without addresses, which meant I had to go onto her Facebook, look many of these people up and send them messages that said I needed their addresses and I was planning a baby shower for her. Some of them probably know about my situation, but I'm sure most of them don't. I got a lot of replies with, "Oh, she's pregnant, you must be so happy and excited!". And with every reply like that, I wanted to write back..."No, not really, this is extremely hard for me, because I lost my son who should have been born by now. I should have had a baby shower, but I didn't." I'm doing this baby shower with my mom, because I know that if I don't, I'll regret it later. I love her, and if I could wipe away all of the jealousy I feel towards every person I know who can not only get pregnant by accident, but stay pregnant by accident, then yes, I am excited. I already love my nephew, even though he's not born yet. But I think I'm having an even harder time, because JR has been consistently upset during her pregnancy and everyone has walked on eggshells around her. When she didn't come to see me after I lost Wyatt, it was because it was "too hard" for her. When she didn't call me on my due date, the explanation was that it was "too hard" for her. I did actually call her on that, and she apologized, and admitted that she didn't handle it well. Now, here I am helping with her shower, and I don't hear anyone saying to me, "Wow, this must be hard for you.." Maybe it's because her and I are such different people. She yells and screams and tells people what she expects, and I just tend to go with the flow. I may say I'm having a hard time, but I don't scream about it.
I am having a hard time. And now I have a failed IVF attempt since we lost Wyatt. I thought I was ok with that, I really did, but I am so sad about it. I just think that life is so fucking unfair. So unfair. All that I've ever wanted was a family. And of course JR has a lot of unmarried, pregnant, oops friends who will be at the shower. Ugh.......


  1. Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how your heart aches for Wyatt, and I can only imagine how hard doing all of this is when you're going through so much. I am thinking of you.

  2. You make such a valid and honest point... it was hard for her but how does she think you feel?
    Lots of hugs, your way better than I am, I wouldn't even attend a shower let a lone plan one. Although, it IS your sister so it's a bit different but not in the least any easier.

  3. I had a hard enough time with weddings after my losses, I can't even imagine a baby shower much less planning one. If at all possible, I would really encourage you to find someone else to plan it. I've been through all those same emotions myself, and it does get easier, but try to do what you can so it's not so hard on yourself.

    Your sister is only "scared" of what could happen. However, she does not deserve to be treated as if she has actually experienced a loss because she hasn't. You experienced a loss and deserve to be treated gently. Try to keep that in mind when you deal with her. Let her deal with her own emotions rather that trying to caretake her emotions for her. You deserve a little bit of caretaking right now. Sending lots of hugs your way!

  4. Thanks everyone. I'm doing better. Hugs back to all!

  5. I am thinking of you and like some of the other posters said I hope your sis realizes how hard this is for you. I am so sorry you are having a tough time. Please know I am thinking of you. Praying for the outcome you deserve. *hugs*