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Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ready for Wenesday

I start my meds on Wednesday, and I'm ready. I really feel like I've taken these three weeks and tried to put my focus elsewhere. It's been good for me emotionally. Of course, I've had my meltdowns, but I've also had enough to distract me from the anticipation of this next cycle. Like I've said before, I think for me it's the waiting that can drive me mad. Now, I'm ready, but I'm not "waiting".

On Friday, I had the most fabulous massage. I also had a great talk with K, who gave me the massage. She's a friend, as well. I've spoken about her before. She was pregnant and lost her baby at 12 weeks. And then shortly after, her beloved dog died. Talk about being knocked down!!! She was so open about her feelings. She is a beautiful person. I know things will turn around for her, I'm just hoping that it's really soon!!!

It was really great to talk to her, because she totally understands, like you guys out there do. She feels her loss, and is trying to find a way to grieve. We talked about how many people there are that you never knew had a loss, and about how people just don't want to hear about your loss, even when they say they do. I think when people bring it up, they don't expect you to actually really talk about it. She told me about a book she's reading about grieving the loss of your baby, and how it said it's like you're for an academy award. You grieve in silence, you let go when no one's looking, but about how in public, you're "fine". Wow, how true that is! I have complete freak outs, not all the time, but I still have them. Never in public, though. In public it's like, "How are you?"...."Oh, Fine.".  I mean seriously, no one wants to hear, "Today was terrible! I woke up crying, I just want my baby back. Why did this happen to me?" I mean could you imagine? I just picture people running away. So we work towards our academy award. "Oh, yes! I can't wait for Easter." (Please!!!)

I scheduled another massage in two weeks, but I'm seriously thinking that maybe I should be going every week. I don't think I'm going to do the acupuncture again. Although I'm sure that it really did relax me, the setting itself was stressful. C was waiting for me and because I was anxious already about getting home and relaxing after the transfer, waiting for the guy to come and get the damn needles out seemed to take forever! I will schedule a massage for after the transfer, that worked with Wyatt!

On another note, C and I have been working on the barn floor. He decided he wanted to do this concrete stain. What a nightmare!!! The floor is 1200 square feet and in case you're wondering, that is freaking huge!!! We cleaned all the dirt off one day, then we washed it, which consisted of detergent and two floodings with shop vac-ing...It sound simple, but man is it a ton of work! Yesterday, we sprayed the stain, and then flooded, scrubbed and shop-vaced two times. My back is totally shot, and although it needs it another time, C has insisted on doing it himself. I did do all the stain spraying because I was better at it than he was. I'm inside trying to relax, and feeling guilty that he's doing it all by himself! I looks pretty freaking cool. When I upload the pics, I'll post them.


  1. I'm so glad that you had such an awesome massage, and that you had such a chance to bond with your friend! It sounds like you are both such wonderful support for each other, which is so important.

    Hugs to you during the waiting! I HATE waiting!

  2. Congrats on the Barn! I love barns...

    Here from ICLW to give you a hug and say HI!

    ICLW #29

  3. good luck w ivf

    iclw #79

    thanks for stopping by

  4. Ohhhh massage, you made me feel relaxed just reading about the one you got!!!

    Good luck with your IVF and I'm so sorry to read of your loss.


  5. Hi, thank you so much for stopping by my blog, really appreciated it! I'm with you on acupuncture, I'm not sure I'll do it again next time, I don't particularly enjoy it either!!
    And how true it is that we act like at an academy award...oh so so true. I think sometimes I act even in private as I'm afraid I won't be able to recompose myself.
    Wishing you all the very best for your upcoming cycle, Fran

    ICLW #14

  6. Thanks for all the well wishes!!! XOXO

  7. I have definitely found that just meditating is relaxing. I am still trying to find the perfect music on I-Tunes to put on my IPOD to download for relaxation, but just listening to the samples relaxes me.

    Thinking of you during this cycle and hoping for the very best!! *hugs*

  8. So glad you are starting your meds. Hopefully this cycle will be THE ONE!! The barn floor sounds amazing. Can't wait to see pics. I will definitely be following your blog now.

    ICLW #28

  9. My boy was born sleeping 18 December. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know how difficult moving on is when you heart just wants your boy back. But hears to hoping we both have a very successful next cycle!!