Dreaming...12 Weeks!!!!

I want to be so excited that we've hit the big 12 week mark, but I'm scared. I keep day dreaming of a world where all babies are born, alive and healthy. A good friend lost her baby this winter right after she announced it...at 12 weeks. And really, WTF is 12 weeks anyway? I mean I was 25 weeks 6 days with Wyatt. And I know from reading everyone else's blogs that really as the weeks tick by, we're not any safer. I mean the chances are so low to begin with and yet it still happened. I'm dreaming of the beautiful ignorant bliss that I felt when I was pregnant with Wyatt. I was nervous, but the passing of the weeks made me feel safer. I know this is my reality and don't get me wrong I am so so so happy to be pregnant, but I am so scared. And I know I won't be okay until this baby is born, healthy and alive.

I know that Wyatt is watching over us, he's my little angel boy. So, for now I'm taking a deep breath and dreaming of holding Wyatt's brother or sister, listening to them cry their first cry, looking into those and telling them about their brother.

Ultrasound Pic

11 Weeks 2 Days

Here's the ultrasound from the NT scan. He-She still has a pretty big head! So funny to see... I don't know if I mentioned that He-She was measuring 3 days ahead! Just though I would share.

NT scan

Yesterday I went for the NT scan. Although it was a little confusing finding the place...I was in one of those gigantic hospitals where all you can do is follow the signs, and somehow they never put them in the most important places. Everything went great. They told me the measurement right then and there. The radiologist came in and talked to me, and they even gave me a report! I've never gotten test results that quickly before. The baby was wiggling all around and kicking like crazy. So cute!

 I tried to upload the ultrasound, but it doesn't want to work? So, I'll try tomorrow.

ICLW

Welcome all! A little about me....I'm 32, my husband, C, and I struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years before conceiving our beautiful baby boy, Wyatt, with the help of IVF, in May 2009. On November 8, 2009, Wyatt was born at 26 weeks, sleeping. We were beyond devastated.  After a million tests and no answers, I tested positive for MTHFR, homozygeous for C766T.

We attempted IVF again in January of 2010 and it ended in a chemical pregnancy. In April, we made our third IVF attempt and got a BFP!!! I am currently 11 weeks pregnant, and due January 10, 2010. I am taking Love.nox shot daily.

I miss Wyatt everyday and although I am over the moon about this baby, I'm very scared, too. I hope that some people will find inspiration in my blog, like I did in many of the blogs that I've found.

Oh....and I love comments!

Mema

Mema (May-ma) is my grandmother. My father's mother and my only living grandparent. She has always been a huge part of my life. Although Mema is her "grandma name", over the years it has become almost a first name. Most of her friends call her Mema and everyone in the family calls her Mema, like it's her name. One of my younger sisters thought it was! Her name is M. Joanne (the M standing for Molly) and my sister had always figured that M stood for Mema!

On Tuesday morning, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and fluid around her heart. Although she seemed to be getting better, and there was even a discussion about her care when she was released, she's taken a turn for the worse. My Uncle told me the Doctor said it would take a miracle for her to survive this. Her heart is failing, she has pneumonia, and her kidneys are starting to fail.

The last few months with her have been rough. She has always had a drinking problem, but since my grandfather's death 3 1/2 years ago, she has gotten progressively worse. She had a stroke and then open heart surgery right before we lost Wyatt, back at the end of October. I honestly thought that would be enough to stop her from drinking so much, and it was, for awhile. But, not very long.

I have so many glorious memories of her from throughout the years. She always took all of us grandkids in the summers. She would take us to the beach...line us up for showers, (there was no going to bed covered in sand!), slather us in barbasol shaving cream when we had a sunburn (or just about any other ailment), cook boiled dinners. When I was little and my father didn't see me for 2 years because he wasn't around (not really sure what the deal was with that) my grandparents picked me up and had me every weekend. When I was 16, she rented the house down the street from her for me and my friends for a week. We all look up to her. She's Mema...if Mema told you to do something you did it! When I lost Wyatt, she was devastated. She's never been touchy, feely, but she was devastated. I told her last week that I'm pregnant. I am so sad that she may never know her great grandchild.

No matter, Mema will always be a legend to my kids, and I hope that someday I will be half the grandmother Mema has always been to me.

Please keep her in your prayers. It would mean so much to me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Advice

First of all...I had my 10 week ultrasound and it was awesome! I haven't scanned it yet, but I will. We could see little arms and legs and a great big head.

I was released from Dr. B, and I went for my intake at the OB on Wednesday. It was a great appointment. I met the nurse practitioner...who I LOVE! The first thing she told me was that she had all 3 of her kids from IVF! And at Boston IVF. Which was really nice. I find so many people in "the real world" don't talk about it. Or way worse, pretend that it was natural. C has a cousin who had fraternal twins at age 50...and when I delicately, indirectly asked about it, she told me it was due to her being in great shape?!?! Um, really? As it turns out...surprise, suprise, that was a lie. I understand people being private, but if someone's in the same boat as you, then I think sharing is definitely helpful, or could be, to them. Anyway, the Nurse Practitioner was great. I'm so glad I chose this practice. So glad. They take their time and are so sweet and understanding. I don't feel like I'm at a factory which was the case before. We heard the heartbeat with the Doppler, I was so happy. I've seen it on the screen, but this was the first time I heard it.

So- I need some advice. C and I have to figure out whether or not to do the Early Fetal Testing. We didn't do it with Wyatt, but I'm do torn this time. I of course have to decide by Monday. What I don't like about it is that it's a bunch of odds that may or may not be true. From what I've read the odds that there really is a problem if you're put in the high risk group are pretty low. And what this really does is prompt for further, invasive testing. I am not ready to say yes to an amnio or a CVS. So, should I bother with this? Would I change my mind if my odds were really high?I would love to know what you've done and what your experiences were. I'm 32, so I guess that age is not the driving factor.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 Weeks

 

This is my father-in-law, B's, breakfast Saturday

He put about half a stick of butter on a coffee cake muffin and then followed it up with Oreo cookies, at 9:00 am. He drives me crazy. If this was a normal person, I wouldn't even be involved, but this will turn into the Dr. saying something about his cholesterol and then he will literally point at me and say "She feeds me!". Then I have to explain B's over eating of cookies and obsession with butter. Did I mention he also has Diabetes. I mean who butters a coffee cake muffin??? I had a lot of patience for him when he first came to live with us three years ago, but I'll admit that most of that patience is gone. He lies, he always has an excuse and unlike most old people that I know, he is the opposite of helpful. I've caught him actually stuffing newspapers behind his couch instead of putting them in the recycle bin. He didn't say thank you AT ALL when he first starting living with us, now he will say thank you when I make him dinner, because I finally told him if he didn't I wasn't making him dinner anymore. I find my relationship with him so frustrating. I'm usually a helpful warm person, but he always makes me upset. I've asked him a MILLION times not to feed the dog his food, and he always acts like I'm crazy he would never do that. Then I go in his room and he's feeding her! His response is that he's never done it before! Um, yeah, right! I've had him tested for dementia, and he has the very early stages of it. I have him on medication and I make sure he takes everything properly in the morning and at night. I try to compensate for the early dementia, but he seems to think that he's a celebrity living in a hotel. I took care of C's mom who had dementia and ALS. She was a dream compared to him. And being pregnant I have even less patience for him. About 3 days after we lost Wyatt, I was on the couch surrounded by tissues and barely speaking, he came into the room and told me he needed me to take him to get a haircut. He knew what had happened, but apparently, he was over it. I, of course, started to cry and told him no. Just plain no. Which he followed up with something like all he did was ask. He's just not normal and according to C, he's always been off like this. UGH..... 

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I always get nervous the night before the ultrasounds. I wish I had a window into my uterus! I'll post the pics more promptly this time, I promise! 

Rainy Day

 Lux

I had high hopes for today when I got up this morning. I was thinking that the rain would stop and I could get some work done, but alas, it's still drizzling. It's just as well, I had a rough night. I couldn't fall asleep until 11:00, despite being exhausted, then at about 2:15, I felt Lux nosing me. Her bed is on the floor right next to me and she sometimes does that when her cover come off. Yes, she is spoiled! But, I quickly realized that the smoke alarm was going off. Not the little beep, but a longer high pitched noise. C hasn't been feeling too good, so I went to check things out. Our system is all hard wired, but there are two with battery back-ups and sometimes they do this when they need the battery replaced. So annoying that it would happen in the middle of the night. Lux was pretty pissed, too. She followed me to get the new batteries, change the one upstairs, and change the one downstairs, but it would still beep on and off. I knew it was coming from upstairs, but, WTF?!? I finally guessed to carbon monoxide detector! Of course that's what it was! I replaced the battery and it was fine. Why do the things run low on batteries in the middle of the night??? They must know it's the most annoying time! I was up until 4:00 tossing and turning. At 5:00, C woke up feeling really crappy. So, I'm freaking beat today!!!

This is the baby at 8 weeks 1 day. You can't tell in the picture, but you could see the little arms and the legs on the screen. And of course that little heart beating away. I have my last visit with Dr. B on Tuesday and I can't wait to see the baby again.

I just want to preface this next paragraph by saying I'm not complaining! I have been so sick with this pregnancy! I thought the sea bands were the answer, but they're not! This past Saturday, I was so sick I actually spent the whole day on the couch with trips to throw up the food I hadn't eaten! I seem to have a really bad day followed by a semi-bad day. I had extra saliva with Wyatt, but I think it went away around 8 weeks or so, this is still going strong and no matter what I eat I feel ill. I've been throwing up almost every night after dinner which seems to be the worst meal for me. C is so funny, he's always wondering if we should call the Dr.. The throwing up really makes him nervous. If I'm still this ill next week, I'll talk to the OB about it on Wednesday.

Sea Bands

Tonight, while, I was waiting for my Lovenox script, feeling super crappy and I remembered those Sea bands. I've heard people talk about them and when I was pregnant with Wyatt, I kept meaning to try them. Well, I think they're actually working! I didn't toss my cookies after dinner and I didn't feel like death! I do of course look like an 80's rocker, but that's ok.

My appointment with Dr. B went really, really well. The baby was measuring exactly right and the heartbeat was 156. I do have an ultrasound pic and I'll scan it tomorrow, I completely forgot today. He's going to keep me until 10 weeks, so my last ultrasound will be June 15th and then I see Dr. P, the OB, on the 16th. I felt so much better seeing that little heart on the monitor.

While we were waiting for the ultrasound, a couple came out and the woman was crying, very silently. (There's a lot of seeing someone and then going back out into the waiting room to see someone else.) I felt so bad for her. I wanted to console her, obviously not appropriate, but I felt like just letting her know that she wasn't alone. Her husband kept getting up like he didn't know what to say to her. Sometimes I wish that the waiting rooms were full of people telling you their stories and sharing and supporting one another, but instead we all sit there, quiet, almost pretending like this is not really going on, and we're here to get our teeth cleaned. I'm usually a pretty open person, but I've never gotten the feeling that anyone there wants to talk to me. Only once did someone say something to me, it was at the ultrasound place near my house that the clinic sends us to. I was waiting in there with this woman, and she kept smiling. She had the appointment right before me, when she was leaving I said good luck! She stopped and smiled and said that she always figures when she sees some in there for the first morning ultrasound appointments who's our age, but no one ever says anything! She said "We're all in the same boat, it's sad, and it's hard. Thanks. Good luck to you, too."

On another subject, my youngest sister, A, got engaged tonight!!! She's so cute, she texted me a picture of her hand with the ring on it! I'm siked for her, they've been together forever and she has been DYING for this moment.