A Day Late With a Million Things To Say

First, let me welcome everyone from ICLW...Welcome!!! This is a little about my story.

I have so many post floating around in my head it's getting ridiculous. I'm going to write more the next few days, even if it's in little bits, I promise.

First, things are great here. I fell down last week sending me to L&D for 4 freaking hours of monitoring, but all was well. My shower was AMAZING, and I will definitely do a post about that soon. I started my NST each week last week and I have one tomorrow after my weekly OB appointment. I'll do a post about my feelings regarding this, too.

Hmmmm....there's soooo much more! I'm hardly sleeping at all between the dreaming and peeing. I'm excited about Thanksgiving, and can't wait for Christmas! C has one more day of painting and then we can start putting the nursery together!!!! Everything is here, crib, changing table, dresser, etc, etc.

I promise more to come!


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30% off

I also wanted to share this with everyone. I'm planning on getting some Christmas shopping done!

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from November 11-14 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we'll make a 5% donation to a non-profit."

Felling Better

I just wanted to give a quick update and thank everyone for all their comments and hugs and love. I'm feeling WAY better. Even though I'm exhausted by about 2:00 pm these days, I feel a million times better than I did on Monday. My OB appointment went well yesterday, and Monday I have a cardiologist appointment. My OB doesn't seem too worried, but he definitely wants me to make sure that I get to the bottom of this.

I went to my knitting class tonight and the teacher had knit Jackson a sweater, 2 hats and mittens! I'll post some pics soon. They are adorable. This woman is the nicest freaking lady!!!

No, not today.

Today is Wyatt's birthday. It's also my father's birthday. My father died 18 years ago at the age of 38 from a massive heart attack. He didn't even know he was sick.

At 2:46am this morning, I woke up and had to pee. Not at all unusual. It had been about 2 hours. I looked at the time, like I always do, peed and walked back to the bed. For some reason, I felt uneasy. The kind of anxious feeling you get when someone has just given you bad news. Although I was very aware of what today is, I wasn't thinking about that, I had actually been dreaming about the floor that C is putting down in the nursery. Then, it happened. My heart started beating super fast. I waited a minute, took a deep breath, and it was even faster. It felt like it was coming out of my chest. I woke C up.  
This isn't the only time this has happened. About 3 1/2 year ago, it happened for the first time. Totally out of the blue, and lasted for a little over 1/2 a hour. It's a horrible feeling. At the time, after wearing a monitor, a cardiologist diagnosed me with what he said was an extra pathway. A kind of electrical short. Sometimes the wrong path is chosen and the rhythm gets stuck and causes a tachycardia.  

I've had this happen a couple of times since being pregnant, but not like this. Both times it lasted only a few seconds. C made me sit down. It still was cranking, and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I started to freak out. "No! Not today!".  C of course tried to keep me calm. We know what it is he kept saying, but it wasn't going away. I felt like I was going to pass out, I hadn't felt Jackson move. I automatically started to get dressed. C kept saying do you want me to call an ambulance or bring you. I could just see myself passing out in the car. So, we called an ambulance. It took them about another 15-20 minutes to get there, the police arrived first. They were nice. By this time I was shaking, C kept asking if I was cold. No, I was scared. When the rescue guys finally got in there and started up the monitor, etc, my blood pressure was still really high, but my heart rate had come down. I was shaking uncontrollably. One of the rescue guys seemed annoyed with this and kept telling me to calm down. Years ago, when my mother-in-law fell down the stairs we had this guy and he was rude then, too. I ignored him. And I was thankful that he didn't come with us in the ambulance! My blood pressure then dropped really low in the ambulance and the guy kept asking my if my blood pressure was usually really low. This of course made me nervous, too! And C didn't ride with me, because there would have been no one to drive us home. And there I was....back at the hospital, a year after delivering Wyatt. They ran a million tests. The ER doctor was great, and so was the nurse. They listened to Jackson and his heart rate was good. The only thing they found was that I have these premature ventricular contractions (extra heart beats), I'm anemic (which I'm on iron for) and my magnesium was low. Apparently, low magnesium can irritate your heart's rhythm, and if you have an underlying condition, make it worse, so they gave me some magnesium in my IV and then I could leave.

I have an appointment with the cardiologist next Monday and I see my OB tomorrow. I'm exhausted. When we got home around 8:00am, I couldn't sleep. I kept dozing off and waking up anxious and feeling like I wasn't breathing.

I know everything will be fine. I know it will be. And Jackson has been kicking and rolling away in there. Today I'm relaxing on the couch. Nothing more. I just want to say again how blessed I am to have my OB...he's amazing. He called me right back and explained everything that he knows about this type of thing.

On another note, my shower is Saturday, and I'm actually really excited. I may have to call some friends to help with the cleaning, because it's here!!!

A Year Ago Today....

A year ago today, my life changed forever. It was a Friday. I woke up and headed to work, but something felt wrong. Wyatt really had never moved all that much. I think he moved more at 18 weeks than at 25 when I look back. That day, though, things felt different. I never thought I would hear those words from the ultrasound tech. Never. I never thought that we would loose him. Whenever those thoughts had crept into my mind, I thought for sure I was being crazy. I remember sitting up on the ultrasound table and screaming and screaming "no!!!", and then, being who I am, I realized that I was at the OB and other pregnant women could hear me, I started saying I was sorry. God, I was worried about scaring people! The night that followed was horrible. I had been encouraged to go home and get stuff together and then I could come back and they would induce. I waited for my mom and step dad to get there and then I called, the OB I had seen was off duty and the new OB (a woman who only works weekends at the hospital and I REALLY do not like) wouldn't let me come in because there weren't enough beds. It wasn't until mid afternoon on Saturday that they took me. They started my induction and baby Wyatt was born at 2:09 am Sunday, November 8, 2009. He was 1 lb 13 oz. He was beautiful. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him. That I don't miss him.

This year is different. I has been so difficult. When I think back to those first weeks I was home, I'm amazed that I've made it this far. I wasn't sure I'd be able to leave the house again in the beginning. I don't agree that time actually heals wounds, but time does allow you to get far enough away to see things differently. I'm not sure how I made it through in the beginning. Love and support? And some days, I'm still not sure I'm going to make it through. Grief can be overwhelming when you least expect it.

I am so thankful for Jackson Wyatt. I can't wait for his safe arrival, and I know that Watt is keeping us both safe until that day comes.

I will leave you with a picture of Jackson and a picture of Wyatt, my boys....

Top: Jackson @ 30 weeks

Bottom:Wyatt- Born at 25 weeks 6 days