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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Calming down

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well. I feel pretty good, except for the nausea, but I'm on Zofran and that helps enough, I have a great husband, I'm pregnant, a great family, an amazing dog, a beautiful home. I work doing what I want to, Gardening, and my hours are very flexible....And then I think of my Wyatt, and feel like I'm gasping for air. Just gasping. I can barely do it. Please don't misunderstand. I am so grateful for all the good in my life, but there is still a deep sadness I carry, and always will. I know it will dull and morph with time, like the loss of my father has, but I still feel it so close. I not only think about him all the time, but I live in fear that we'll have the same thing happen to us again. I don't think I've really mentally connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt. Maybe part of it is not knowing the sex yet, but I know that I'm trying somehow to preserve myself. I honestly have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, but that doesn't totally get rid of the panic.

Last night I had some sharp shooting pain on the left side. The first time I just ignored it, then it happened again. It was pretty intense pain. I was sure it wasn't gas. I called the Dr. even though I thought that maybe it was round ligament pain. After talking with the on call Dr., I was convinced it was round ligament pain. I didn't have it again all night. Then I woke up at 3:00 am to pee with a stomach ache. I was feeling gassy and uncomfortable and I started freaking out. What if there was something really wrong? Needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep until 5:30 am. I woke up exhausted, but got all ready for work, and then while I waited for my sister, JA, who works for me, I decided to use my doppler and check the heart beat. I couldn't find it. I freaked out. I got up moved around and tried again, still I couldn't find it. That was when C came in to tell me he was leaving. I told him I couldn't find it and he freaked out, too. Which made me freak out more. He had to get rid of my sister who had shown up by then. When he came back in, I tried again, and found it, Thank god!!! I called the OB and they fit me in for mid morning. Everything was fine. He found the heartbeat right away. He thinks that the pain may have been my ovary, because I had some tenderness when he pushed on the area.

After that I was emotionally exhausted . My sister, JR, and her husband were down for the day and I had planned on meeting them for a late lunch, so I did. It was nice to sit and relax with them. I'm realizing that I'm not taking the time to enjoy this pregnancy. I really need to start being more relaxed. I feel like this week has been particularly emotional for me. I had to bring my grandmother's cat to the vet to be put down on Monday (There was no one to take him after my grandmother's death, he was 21 1/2 years old...). It was devastating to me. I didn't think it would be that bad, it was what she wanted. He never would have made it at a shelter and all us kids have dogs. I guess I felt like it was the last little piece of her. The vet said..."This is NOT the way to start a week." I guess he was right.

So, my goal now is to try to calm down. I need to enjoy this time. Oh, and my anatomy scan is scheduled for August 16th!! I'm also going to meet with a Perientologist at the same time so that we can get a plan together for the rest of this pregnancy.

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep!

10 comments:

  1. So sorry about your loss. But it is a joy that you have been blessed again! When you're ready, I would love to feature your success story on my blog! I am glad to feel some excitement in your words! Enjoy this miracle life growing inside you! I just added your link. Happy ICLW!

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  2. Thank you! I tried to look at your blog, but your profile is private. What ICLW # are you?

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  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad to see that you've been able to get pregnant again after suffering the loss of Wyatt (love that name, by the way!). Will be checking in on your blog and hoping that everything goes well for you!

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  4. I am sorry for the pain of your loss. I am wishing you an easy and happy pregnancy.

    ICLW

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  5. ugh, big hugs to you :o) sounds like it was a scary night for you, but i'm soo glad that everything is okay. it sucks that you have to spend this pregnancy scared bc of past experience, but i'm hoping for smooth ride for you here on out :o)

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  6. It's awful, isn't it? Wanting to suck every wonderful second of the joy of a pregnancy out that you can get and trying your hardest to not to let the fears overwhelm you!!!

    Hope you are able to sleep more easily!

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  7. So sorry for your loss of Wyatt but very glad you were able to confirm everything was okay with your current pregnancy. This has been a terrible week for you! Ihope things are better in the coming week.

    ~ICLW~
    #177

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  8. I can't imagine how scary this pregnancy must be for you after experiencing such a tremendous loss. I'm nervous with this one, even though I lost my 1st pregnancy at 8 weeks. Glad I found your blog through ICLW!

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  9. oh sweetie I am so sorry about this big scare and the tough week you have had. I hope next week will bring you the peace and happiness you deserve.

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  10. i'm sorry for your loss and can understand the fear of it happening again. I pray that you will have a happy and healthy and full pregnancy. =)

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