Poetry-6 Days till Beta!

C and I both heard this poem this morning on NPR. It made me cry. So well put. I am thinking about my sweet little Wyatt. Mommy and Daddy miss you every moment.

"Written on the Due Date of a Son Never Born."
by David Wojahn

Echinacea, Bee Balm, Aster, Trumpet Vine, 

I watch your mother bend to prune, 

water sluicing silver from the hose. 

Another morning you will never see. 

Summer solstice, 

dragonflies flare, the un-petaled rose.

Six A.M. and already she's breaking down,

hose flung to the sidewalk where it snakes and pulses in a steady keening glitter,

 both hands to her face. 

That much I can give you of these hours. 

That much only, 

fists and blossom forged by salt,

trellising your wounded helixes against our days. 

Tell us how to live for we are shades,

facing, caged, the chastening sun. 

Our eyes are scorched and lidless.

 We cannot bear your light.

Monday- 7 Days till Beta!!

I am so exhausted, I think it's from the Crinone. I have definitely had some ovary pain and cramping on Saturday and a little yesterday. The boobs are starting to get sore and feel heavy, too. The boobs could definitely be from the Crinone as well.  The fact that it gives you pregnancy symptoms is like a sick joke. I mean here I am analyzing every twing, and then I have to keep reminding myself of the damn Crinone!

So.....I week from today! I know that really I probably wouldn't be feeling any symptoms yet anyway, those little babies would be just snuggling in.

I've entered the stage where I'm afraid this isn't going to work. I still feel really positive, but what if it doesn't? I guess we just go forward. I'm a planner. I really like to know my next move. Unfortunately with this, there's so much waiting!

I'm just going to stay positive and pray that this is it.

2 Perfect Embryos!!! 11 Days

Waiting until 1:45 for our transfer proved to be not as nerve wracking as I thought it'd be. I had my massage this morning with K. I know I've said this before, but she is amazing. We actually ended up talking throughout the whole massage. About our losses (she lost a baby at 12 weeks recently), about our hopes, and about how we've changed as people. It was a great talk. Than I zipped back to the house to meet up with C. I usually like to give us about two hours to get there even though it only takes about an hour and a half. Today we left extra early, and thank god we did, there was so much damn freaking traffic, it was absurd. They're doing work on one of the bridges to get off this man made island we live on, and they had traffic at a standstill for 2 miles in either direction!!!

Anyway, we made it and they took us right away. There was just a generally "good" feeling today. We got a great RE, Dr. R, to do the transfer, not our RE, Dr. B, but he was great. We had two embryos transferred, one 8 cell, grade 3, HIP, no fragmentation (HIP is high implantation...the best grading), and one 7 cell, grade 3, HIP. WooHooo!!!

We had 3 left to freeze, all 7 cell, grade 3, HIP!!!!! The transfer itself went fabulous. Dr. R walked us through every step. Not like we haven't done it before, but it was so nice to have someone who was so positive and encouraging. He took his time. He said my lining was thick, which is great, and he said I have a great uterus. That cracks me up. I gave props to Dr. B who removed the polyps I'd had about a year ago.

So, here we are. Even C was really positive, and he is ALWAYS the glass is half empty. I think it's the first time that I've ever heard him say he has a good feeling about something. He is usually much more cautious, and doesn't ever look at the bright side.

The countdown has begun!!! 11 days until the Beta!!!!

A huge THANK YOU to the angel that submitted me to LFCA!!!

ICLW

Welcome! Welcome!

Ok...tomorrow is transfer day! Yay!!! I'm really hoping that the embies look fantastic and that we'll have some to freeze. If they're not fantastic, I feel better knowing that Dr. B is ok with transfering 3. I'm sure that some of you think I'm crazy, but I really feel like this gives us a better chance. Hopefully, we won't need to do the 3, because we will have 2 that are FAN.TAS.TIC!!!

I scheduled a massage for tomorrow morning. I decided against doing the acupuncture this time. Mainly because I feel like the goal is to be relaxed during the transfer and last time, I think the acupuncture actually made me anxious. C was waiting for me outside, and then I had another session after and all I wanted to do was go home and get on the couch. I love my massage therapist, and I always leave there feeling really relaxed and great.

So, that's the plan!!!! And tomorrow, I will start my countdown. And just as a warning, this time I plan to document my "symptoms" during the two week wait.

Twelve!!!

That's right, peeps! Twelve embryos. I had a freak out this morning and called to see if we don't get good quality embryos (we had a problem with the second cycle, but not the first), if the RE would okay putting 3 in instead of 2. He said yes! So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty damn good about all of this!!!

On another note, I am super bloated! I spoke with the nurse this morning and she said its just because they got so many eggs. I've been downing water all day, and hope she's right, and that I'm not headed towards OHSS!!! Right now, I look pregnant, or like I am full of gas! It's pretty uncomfortable, but I'm hoping it gets better.

I go in Thursday at 1:45pm for my transfer!!!

Seventeen!!!!!

That's right, they got 17 eggs!!! Yay!!! As of Saturday, I only had 13 follicles that were measuring up, BUT he got 17 eggs!

I am so excited. I feel like this is a really good, strong number. I'm praying for some perfect, H.I.P (High implantation) embryos.

I'll be having a 3 day transfer of 2 embryos on Thursday. They'll call me tomorrow with the fertilization count. All this waiting...it drives me mental!

I was thinking this morning that the official 2 week wait starts today, but I'll wait for the transfer and then annoy you all with my countdown.

I also wanted to say "THANK YOU!" to all of my friends (online and offline), and my family for all of the encouragement and love. I couldn't get though all this without you.

Trigger!

They finally called me at around 2:00. My estrogen was 2880, and I have 13 Follies, which I knew, all over 15 and I triggered at 7:30pm tonight. That means that I have to be at the clinic at 7:00am Monday morning for my egg retrieval....Yay!

I'm just sooo ready. And it'll be nice to not have to do a shot tomorrow night. My first IVF, with Wyatt, I triggered on a Saturday night, too.

So, here goes. I'm praying those eggies are getting even more mature and they'll be in fantastic shape on Monday.

I'm looking for some opinions. Should I do the acupuncture again with the transfer? I just can't decide.

Hi from Barnes and Noble...

Things are progressing fantastically! As of this morning, I have 7 follies on the right and 6 on the left. I'm not sure the exact measurements, but I am waiting for them at this very moment. I had a 10:00 appointment at the clinic, which is about 1 1/2 hours from my house. I can't do the off site monitoring on the weekends. So, here I am, waiting for my results at Barnes and Noble. I am hoping they trigger me. The reason I'm still here waiting is because I am out of Gonal F, and I have such a high co-pay that there was no way I was going to order it if I didn't need it. The pharmacy is up here, too. So.....I wait.

I'm really feeling great about this cycle. I know I keep saying that!!! Lucky 13....right?

Stims Day 5

Hi all! I know I've been quieter thus cycle, but honestly, it's because I am so freakin' busy! It seems like everything is swirling around us right now. I'm in the middle of a major change as the tenant who's been with my husband's family the longest (45 years!!!) is moving and I've been showing the space to new tenants, we have numerous other issues with our other properties that I'm also trying to iron out, I had to finish our personal taxes and I still have to finish my grandmother's tomorrow! And, oh, did I mention taking my father-in-law two Doctor's appointments already this week and it's only Tuesday? And then there's work, too. Oh yeah, and I'm on day 5 of stims!!! Yippee!!!

I had blood work and ultrasound on Monday. Here's where we are at: Estrogen 320- last cycle I was only 90 on day 3, first cycle I was 225. So, this seems to be good. There were three measurable follies on the right- 1 @20mm (the nurse said this is a left over from last month?) 1@ 14mm, 1@12mm. And there are multiple not measurable yet. On the left there are multiple not yet measurable. Multiple means at least 5 and up to 10. This is sounding good. Of course C is worried about OHSS, but I'm not even going there! He did drop my Gonal F to 300, and kept luveris @ 75, and lupron  @ 5. I have blood and ultrasound tomorrow. I'm very anxious to see where I'm at. I wonder how long I'll stim for.

I know I keep saying this, but I have a good feeling about this cycle! Go follies!!!!

SATURDAY- Stims Day 2

It's Saturday and for the first time in a long, long time, I have demanded that C and I take a break together. Everything seems to conspire against us most of the time. He's been so busy working on that damn barn, I've started my gardening business back up and I've been working non-stop with our rental properties. Because we don't have regular 9-5 jobs, I fell like we're always working, or talking about work. That doesn't even take into account all the normal house cleaning, etc. AND we have 3 acres which are still full of leaves. We never got to it in the fall.

So, today we're trying to ignore what "needs" to get done and enjoy ourselves. About to head out. C thinks I have some secret plan, but I don't. I'm just going to load up our beloved pup, Lux, and see where the day takes the three of us. It's our family day. A much needed one. I of course can't help thinking about our Wyatt and wishing he was here. Love you, Wyatt.

Stims....Day 1

Today was day 1 of stims. Just like last cycle, I didn't get my period, so on day 14 of Lupron (Wednesday) they had me call in, and they ordered blood work for Thursday morning. I got the call yesterday afternoon, all systems go! So yesterday, they lowered my Lupron to 5 units, and tonight I started my stims. This cycle I'm on: 75 units Luveris, 375 units Gonal F, and 5 units Lupron. Tonight was the first attempt at mixing all of these together. Um, that's a BIG ASS shot! C gave me the shot and did the mixing. Of course I got my period today. Or as they call it "the Lupron bleed". I'm feeling tired and yucky and crampy, but I'm so happy we're moving forward and I'm finally on the stims. I called my nurse last Friday in a panic, because the patient education nurse was away and I still hadn't gone over the mixing procedure. I told her I might get my period any day, it was due Friday, and since the patient education nurse was out until Tuesday, I needed to be "educated by her". She then tells me, that I won't be starting stims until next weekend anyway and that the education nurse will be back Tuesday. I was so confused. Why wouldn't I be starting until next weekend??? Well, it finally came out that they only start people on stims on the weekend?!? OH!!! She said most places batch patients which I've heard of before, but they start patients on a weekend. Apparently it's theoretically supposed to reduce the amount of transfers on a weekend?! Ok. I guess they just maintain you on the Lupron until the weekend if you get your period during the week.

I'm very excited and optimistic about this cycle. I just wanted to ask that everyone please keep us in your prayers. There has been a lot of heartache and pain on our journey to this point, and I'm praying this is it.

Holidays

I've always loved all Holidays. I love them because they give you time to surround yourself with friends and family. They give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Well, as I've mentioned before, we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years this year. We felt like there wasn't much to celebrate. Yesterday was much of the same, but I did buy Easter baskets for C, and his dad who lives with us, B. I bought a big turkey, since non of us like ham, and I had big ideas about cleaning the house and relaxing all day. That didn't happen. C wanted my help out in the damn Barn, measuring where something needs to go, and the 20 minutes turned into 4 hours. AND a huge fight, of course.

We ended up eating at 8:30pm and today, I'm mourning the Easters of my childhood. I miss those days. And I'm vowing from now on to make all the holidays special, because I enjoy them!!!!