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Monday, January 18, 2010

10 weeks 1 day & Day 4

It's been 10 weeks and 1 day since Wyatt was born. I would've been 36 weeks today, and instead I'm going too be doing my 4th Lupron shot.

In some moments it seems like it's been a lifetime since those awful days. And then other moments make it seem like just yesterday...that day and night in that hospital, the face of the ultrasound technician when she said "I'm so sorry.", the look on my husband's face when he burst into tears, hearing my own screaming like it was someone else. Sometimes I'm pulled right back there. Those moments are suffocating.

I forgot that the Lupron shots tend to make me more emotional, and I'm sure the fact that this is the week before my period doesn't help either. I feel sad and happy all at the same time. Happy and hopeful for this IVF cycle and sad and longing for Wyatt back. I would only have 4 weeks left....

I have gotten closer with some friends through this, and some people in my life have become more distant. I have definitely learned a lot about myself, about my strength. In those days that followed the loss of Wyatt, I realized how easy it would be to be weak. I don't mean to say this to judge anyone but myself. I could have easily taken all the pills they were giving me, I could have asked for more. Who would deny them to a woman who just delivered a dead baby. I could have pulled out a bottle of wine, and spent weeks in the bottle. I could have stayed in bed for weeks. All of these things although not good, would probably have been understood and for at least a little while, tolerated.  I even had a moment where I totally understood how someone could commit suicide. How you could see only blackness, and not care about going on. How the pain was just too much to bear, and maybe that would be the only way to truly end it. But with each one of these thoughts, I also realized how lucky I am not to be that person. Not to be the person who would later tell people of how her addiction started when she lost her baby, not to be the person who would talk about her depression and when it took hold, not to be the person who would give up, and never have another chance. That is not me. I am a positive person. And deep down I know that there will be better times. I will never loose those moments where it feels like yesterday, I know that. I still remember my dad's death like it was yesterday, and it was over 16 years ago. All of these horrible things will forever be a part of me. But I will still be me...a little beaten down, bit more wary, but the same person nonetheless.


  1. What a lovely post - I think there are definitely people who understand our pain, and then those who just can't fathom it and don't want to face it. I think that this loss makes us more compassionate - I'm so sorry that you also had to deal with your father's passing.

    Hugs to you!

  2. First time here, through L&F. I am so sorry to hear of the death of your precious baby boy. I will be saying lots of prayers for you as this cycle progresses.

  3. Here from L&F -- just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and you're not alone. Also, go easy on yourself. You don't necessarily need to succumb to pills or the bottle, but I'm of the opinion that a good cry now and then is healthy -- sometimes you need to touch the bottom in order to spring back up. I hear you though: I remember reading about a celebrity suicide attempt a few months after my daughter died and thinking, "Wow, poor guy, even I never felt THAT badly."

    Thinking of you all.

  4. hello, I am here from LFCA...*huge hugs* I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Thinking of you. I added you as one of my blogs to follow. :)

  5. Thinking of you. As Tash says, you are not alone. There are so many of us walking with you.

  6. Thanks for all the support and kind words, ladies!!!
    I am so glad to have found a community that understands me and supports me, but at the same time I'm deeply saddened by what each and everyone of you has had to go through for us all to become that community.

  7. Here from LFCA. You sound very brave and strong. I wish you well on this next cycle.