10 weeks 1 day & Day 4

It's been 10 weeks and 1 day since Wyatt was born. I would've been 36 weeks today, and instead I'm going too be doing my 4th Lupron shot.

In some moments it seems like it's been a lifetime since those awful days. And then other moments make it seem like just yesterday...that day and night in that hospital, the face of the ultrasound technician when she said "I'm so sorry.", the look on my husband's face when he burst into tears, hearing my own screaming like it was someone else. Sometimes I'm pulled right back there. Those moments are suffocating.

I forgot that the Lupron shots tend to make me more emotional, and I'm sure the fact that this is the week before my period doesn't help either. I feel sad and happy all at the same time. Happy and hopeful for this IVF cycle and sad and longing for Wyatt back. I would only have 4 weeks left....

I have gotten closer with some friends through this, and some people in my life have become more distant. I have definitely learned a lot about myself, about my strength. In those days that followed the loss of Wyatt, I realized how easy it would be to be weak. I don't mean to say this to judge anyone but myself. I could have easily taken all the pills they were giving me, I could have asked for more. Who would deny them to a woman who just delivered a dead baby. I could have pulled out a bottle of wine, and spent weeks in the bottle. I could have stayed in bed for weeks. All of these things although not good, would probably have been understood and for at least a little while, tolerated.  I even had a moment where I totally understood how someone could commit suicide. How you could see only blackness, and not care about going on. How the pain was just too much to bear, and maybe that would be the only way to truly end it. But with each one of these thoughts, I also realized how lucky I am not to be that person. Not to be the person who would later tell people of how her addiction started when she lost her baby, not to be the person who would talk about her depression and when it took hold, not to be the person who would give up, and never have another chance. That is not me. I am a positive person. And deep down I know that there will be better times. I will never loose those moments where it feels like yesterday, I know that. I still remember my dad's death like it was yesterday, and it was over 16 years ago. All of these horrible things will forever be a part of me. But I will still be me...a little beaten down, bit more wary, but the same person nonetheless.