Anxiety

I haven't been writing this week, because I've been so anxious about whether or not I'll be able to start my cycle tomorrow. I've been trying to forget that I'm waiting for that phone call. I called the nurse on Monday and she said that she was "Cautiously optimistic". I also checked with the girl who handles the insurance on Tuesday and she said everything was in and she thought that it should, hopefully go through by Thursday. The nurse also mentioned some other protocol. It involves taking a birth control pill and then the Lupron? I was driving and I didn't quite get the whole thing. But in essence what she seemed to be saying was that it would make it so that I didn't have to wait until day 21 of my next cycle to start if the insurance approval doesn't come through in time.

It's kind of strange this time. Last time, I remember all the waiting and anticipation. Maybe it was because there were so many months of tests and stuff before we actually got to the IVF. I don't know. I've been dreaming about getting pregnant again, which took me by surprise. It's strange, because, as soon as I found out I was pregnant last time, I started being pregnant in my dreams as well, and then as soon as I lost Wyatt, I stopped being pregnant in my dreams. I have had a few dreams where I have to tell people what happened, or where I'm trying to hide that I'm not pregnant anymore from someone, so I don't have to explain it, but I really haven't been dreaming of pregnancy.

On Monday, I met one of my friends for coffee. It was so nice to see her and talk to her. She has been amazing through this whole thing, she is the pregnant friend #3 that miscarried. She seems to be doing really well, and just talking about our losses, makes things easier for me. I am the type of person who feels better when I get to talk things through. I don't like to hide things or not share, I know that in order for me to heal in any way from something, I need to be open and honest about it. C is the opposite. I haven't even told him that I'm doing this blog. Not that he would really care, but he would ask things like "Why bother, you can talk to me.". It's not the same. Even if no one reads this, I feel much better when I write! It was the first thing I did after we lost Wyatt. I had bought this journal to document my pregnancy a few days earlier. Really feeling guilty that I hadn't been documenting up until then. I started it after losing our boy....and I think that's what really helped me through those first few weeks. They were the darkest...

Ok...so now I wait for my call from the Insurance lady...Is it really only 9:21??? An update later, I promise!!!