Sunday...

So tonight was day 2 of stims. I am definitely getting the hot flashes. Whoa! I go for a blood test tomorrow at 7am. I live about an hour and a half from the clinic, so they have a deal with one of the labs near me. The people working at this lab seem to be totally out of it to me! They can never find my name in the computer and I always leave there wondering if they are going to give the blood test to the currier.

I forgot! So yesterday morning I got my period! At first I thought this was great, but then I started to freak out about the timing and everything. I called the nurse on call and she assured me that this was fine. I had forgotten that being on the shots definitely makes my period worse!

I just need to say that my husband is wonderful. I synced my iphone today and somehow it erased all my contacts completely off my phone and my computer! Almost 300 contacts GONE! Then my genius husband figured out that I had an old back-up he'd made last time he did something to my phone in November. (The newest back-up was corrupted.) A few clicks and they were all back! What a guy!

Good Hormones...

Sooo.....the nurse finally called me at 4:15, and my levels were great! And so we're moving forward!!! Yay! My Lupron dose is down to 5 units. And tonight is just Lupron. Tomorrow is 5 units of Lupron and 225 of Gonal F. Same dose Sunday and then a blood test Monday.

I am so happy to finally be moving to stims. And now, I'm exhausted from a sick husband and not enough sleep last night. Good night!!!

Tomorrow

So, I still don't have any sign of AF. I go in at 7am for blood work and I should have the results early afternoon. Fingers crossed for good hormone levels! The nurse said this happens about 25% of the time, and in 90% of those cases everything is fine and moves forward, so I'm trying not to be nervous.

C is sick. He woke up sounding sick this morning, and I forced him to go to the clinic, sure enough he has a sinus infection, yucky! He says his whole body aches. I'm staying away, serving from a distance.  Why is it that men are the WORST patients? They are such babies when they're sick.

I'll post tomorrow with my results....Hoping it's good news!

Better..

My sister is feeling much better! Yay! She is still snuggled in her bed, and my step-dad (who is the best dad ever...he raised me, too, because my father died when I was 14) is still there taking care of her. She said no contractions today, and the stomach pain seems to be getting better. Thank god!

My day started off with a bang...I may not have my period, but I've definitely got all the emotions that go with it!!! C was asking me all these questions about what they were going to do if I don't get it, and I would tell him what I knew, then he would ask more questions. I felt like I was being interrogated! I did loose my temper a little bit. But the day turned out ok.

So, still no period. I guess that there will be no period at this point. I will call tomorrow and they will set me up for blood tests on Friday which will be day 14 on the Lupron. I am just trying to remind myself that it's not about bleeding it's about hormone levels!

I'm typing this from the guest room, because C thinks he's coming down with something and I can not get sick! I miss him, but I actually don't mind sleeping in the guest room sometimes. We don't allow our dog, Lux, on the bed in our room, but she's allowed on this one, so I get to sleep with her, which is nice.

Monday stunk...Tuesday was better...hoping Wednesday rocks...

In general, I think Mondays tend to stink, but yesterday was worse than usual. I got up earlier than I like to and then received a call from my mom that my pregnant sister was at the hospital. She's 24 weeks. She was having what my mom described as "uncomfortable pressure". I guess it was uncomfortable enough to make her go to the hospital! Anyway, I freaked out. Things turned out okay. I had some work to do only about 20 minutes from that hospital (she lives about and hour and a half from me) and even though my mom and step dad were on their way there, I decided to go and see her at the hospital. I wasn't sure at first if it would be a good idea, she was in labor and delivery.....I just wasn't sure if I could handle it. After finally talking to her and hearing how scared she sounded, I knew that I had to go there. I arrived just in time to take her home. She wasn't dilated and they had given her some medication to help with the contractions.

As always the Medical profession in my opinion seems so nonchalant about it!
Why is this happening?
      Mmm, don't know, just happens???!!!
Really??
     Could be something you ate, stress, etc.
Huh?
   They'll probably come back.
Well, that's reassuring!
     If you have them for an hour in a half at 10 minutes apart, definitely come back in.
Again, reassuring!

After I brought her home, my mom and step dad showed up. I stayed for a little while, and then headed home. Which took over 2 hours because we were having a hurricane like storm. I talked to them a few times last night and all seemed well, but this morning, my mom told me they'd gone back to the hospital last night. She was home again and this time the Dr. seems to be relatively certain that the cause is some GI issue. Hmm...Apparently my sister says someone else was in there with the same thing!?!? Now her stomach is killing her, but she seems better, probably having something as a possible cause makes it a little less upsetting. I'm still very nervous, but I know she'll be alright.

On another front, I still haven't gotten my PERIOD!!!! I called today and asked what happens if I don't get it by Thursday, which was when she told me to call if I hadn't gotten it. The nurse told me, they will test my hormones on Friday and usually even though there hasn't been a "bleed" the hormones are where they need them to be. I guess that the hormones are the important thing, not the actual period. I'm still hoping to get it. Tomorrow maybe? Tomorrow will be day 33, I don't think it's ever been that late before.

So, I'm hoping that tomorrow I get AF and my little sister is feeling a whole lot better.

Yucky-ish

Today is so far much better than yesterday. Thank God. There was something off about yesterday from the beginning. I helped C to figure out how to run the airlines for his tools and Machines out in the shop, which took the whole morning. It went better than our usual work interactions, but I could have seen it turning a corner...glad we finished when we did!

I went out to do some errands and take my father-in-law to get his blood work done, and a haircut. I think I've mentioned it, but my father-in-law, B, lives with us. He's got the beginning stages of Alzheimers, and loves to lie, which makes it very hard to figure out if he doesn't know what's going on or he's just decided to pretend like he doesn't know. Everyday is an adventure! My grandmother calls me and starts off the conversation "Now, don't be mad at me..". That's never a good sign! She told me that she'd hired someone who I recently stopped being friends with, L. She knows all about what happened...it happened at her house!

A little history...it was the Saturday after we had lost Wyatt, and I left the house for the first time with C. We were going to my grandmother's. (She had a stroke a few weeks before we lost Wyatt, and had been in the hospital. Because the Swine Flu fear were so crazy at this time, I hadn't gone to visit her in the hospital. We talked every day, though, we've always been very close.)We arrive at her house, C is attempting to park his monstrous truck and all of a sudden, there is someone behind us honking and flashing their lights. It took me a second, but I realized that it was L. Now we had just exchanged texts that morning and I had thanked her for all her concern, she'd left me a nice voicemail, but told her I wasn't ready to talk yet, or to see her. I mentioned my plans to go see my grandmother, and told her I was nervous to leave the house. L and I have been friends for many years, I have always felt her heart is in the right place, but she really is a little crazy. She is very dramatic, and I really wasn't ready to deal with her. I would have somehow ended up consoling her! She calls my cell phone as we're driving away. I'm screaming "It's L, it's L!!!! Oh My god, I don't want to see her, I'm not ready, I told her!!!" Now add in the hysterical crying. C answered my phone. (we're still driving, she's still following) He did a few..uh huh's and then said "The thing is L, she's just not ready to see you. she says she told you that." Then there was a whole lot more silence on his side, then he said "Thank you for your kind words." obviously sarcastic and handed me the phone and said "Hang it up!". I could hear L screaming "I want to see her! ". Apparently she had told him that he needed professional help, and that it wasn't normal for us to hide out and not see people. I went from distraught to angry. How dare she judge me! I called her back and I just flat out told her how I felt, emotionally in regards to Wyatt, about this, etc. She just kept expressing how hard it was for her???!! Go cry on someone else's shoulder!!! She said she went looking for me at my grandmother's, because she needed to see me. I explained that this wasn't about her "needs". She of course continued to play the victim. Not once did she say "Gosh, I'm sorry, I just love you. I'm here if you need me." She started in on me and how I needed professional help. Um, it had only been 6 days!! I gave up. We went back to my grandmother's and told her the story. There were several texts and emails that followed from L. I sent her a card, and I just explained that at this point in my life, I just could not do the drama. She sent me an email saying she ripped up the letter and didn't read it. Then last week she left me a tearful message, obviously drunk, saying she couldn't understand why I was even upset. Oh, and that she'd been over at my grandmother's. She said she'd just stopped in. What?

Back to yesterday, of all the people to "hire". Something about washing the ceiling light?! I would have done it for free. My grandmother also has a drinking problem, and although it was early afternoon, I could tell she was already sloshed. At first I cried, and tried to reason with her, but this is just the way she is. She does what she wants, when she wants, and always acts like she had no choice. She has 4 of us grandchildren that live close, any of us would have done it for her. I can't believe that L would not think this is somewhat inappropriate behavior, but, then again she seemed to think the stalking was acceptable!

I'm really trying not to let people upset me with nonsense. So if my grandmother wants to hire her, so be it!

The only saving grace of yesterday was that myself and another passer-by saved two dogs that were loose on a main road. We caught them and called the owners. I always feel good when I do that.

Quick Update...

Things seem to be going pretty well. Still feeling pretty tired, but that's not all that bad considering that I've had trouble with sleeping since we lost Wyatt. I'm starting to get anxious about Aunt Flow arriving on time. She's due on or about Sunday, but since this is only the second time since Wyatt, I just don't know. She came 6 weeks 6 days after his birth. My cycle's used to be almost always perfect. Maybe a day on either end every once in awhile. Oh well, just something to obsess over! The nurse said if there's no AF by the 28th to call.

I can't believe tomorrow is shot # 7! Moving forward...

10 weeks 1 day & Day 4

It's been 10 weeks and 1 day since Wyatt was born. I would've been 36 weeks today, and instead I'm going too be doing my 4th Lupron shot.

In some moments it seems like it's been a lifetime since those awful days. And then other moments make it seem like just yesterday...that day and night in that hospital, the face of the ultrasound technician when she said "I'm so sorry.", the look on my husband's face when he burst into tears, hearing my own screaming like it was someone else. Sometimes I'm pulled right back there. Those moments are suffocating.

I forgot that the Lupron shots tend to make me more emotional, and I'm sure the fact that this is the week before my period doesn't help either. I feel sad and happy all at the same time. Happy and hopeful for this IVF cycle and sad and longing for Wyatt back. I would only have 4 weeks left....

I have gotten closer with some friends through this, and some people in my life have become more distant. I have definitely learned a lot about myself, about my strength. In those days that followed the loss of Wyatt, I realized how easy it would be to be weak. I don't mean to say this to judge anyone but myself. I could have easily taken all the pills they were giving me, I could have asked for more. Who would deny them to a woman who just delivered a dead baby. I could have pulled out a bottle of wine, and spent weeks in the bottle. I could have stayed in bed for weeks. All of these things although not good, would probably have been understood and for at least a little while, tolerated.  I even had a moment where I totally understood how someone could commit suicide. How you could see only blackness, and not care about going on. How the pain was just too much to bear, and maybe that would be the only way to truly end it. But with each one of these thoughts, I also realized how lucky I am not to be that person. Not to be the person who would later tell people of how her addiction started when she lost her baby, not to be the person who would talk about her depression and when it took hold, not to be the person who would give up, and never have another chance. That is not me. I am a positive person. And deep down I know that there will be better times. I will never loose those moments where it feels like yesterday, I know that. I still remember my dad's death like it was yesterday, and it was over 16 years ago. All of these horrible things will forever be a part of me. But I will still be me...a little beaten down, bit more wary, but the same person nonetheless.

Day 21.....

So, today is day 21!!! My first day of Lupron, 10 units. I had a slight freakout last night, when I came downstairs at 7:30 from my shower to find a message on my phone saying that they were not going to be shipping the meds, because they needed my approval to charge my credit card. The whole thing was ridiculous. I had spoken with the woman at 6:00 ish and had been VERY clear that I absolutely needed to get these meds for today. I went so far as to have her put a not on there that if for some reason it didn't make the UPS truck to call me, so I could drive up there and pick them up. Now I had also given her my credit card. Which, if you ask me, means that you can charge it!!!! Anyway, they somehow got it on the truck, and it arrived this morning.

My new insurance, I switched plans since the last cycle when I got pregnant with Wyatt, does not seem to have good prescription coverage. It covers most things, but I have a 50% co-pay on some tier 2 and  I think all tier 3 drugs. I really can hardly believe how expensive the damn drugs are! Even with my 50% co-pay, the Lovenox will be about $15 a day! That's A LOT over 9 months, but worth every penny!!! Really nothiing to complain about, since I live in a state that has one of the best insurance mandates for fertility treatment!

On an entirely different note, we have the painters here today, and they've already done a coat of primer in the upstairs of the barn, and are prepping the first floor. My husband is of course all up in arms about this, because he thinks that he could have done it just as fast and saved himself some money. Apparently I'm discouraging! Too funny! The thing is, when he takes on projects somehow, they never seem to go as smoothly as he thinks they will. And then there were the thousands of dollars he wanted to spend on professional painting equipment??? Believe me, this is a bargain!!!! He still has all the trim to put up, he'll be plenty busy...

Approval!!!!

At about 1:00 I called the woman who deals with the insurance and left a message. By 2:55, I was thinking it was definitely a lost cause. I called the Nurse, because I didn't know if they'd even be able to get the meds to me in time. I'm pretty sure my message made no sense at all! And then as soon as I hung up....the phone rang and it was the insurance lady! They approved me! They actually approved me for two cycles, but I'm praying we just need the one. And now I'm waiting for a call from the Nurse that everything is all set up....

Also...I am SUPER thankful that I live in a state where insurance has to cover IVF!!!!

Anxiety

I haven't been writing this week, because I've been so anxious about whether or not I'll be able to start my cycle tomorrow. I've been trying to forget that I'm waiting for that phone call. I called the nurse on Monday and she said that she was "Cautiously optimistic". I also checked with the girl who handles the insurance on Tuesday and she said everything was in and she thought that it should, hopefully go through by Thursday. The nurse also mentioned some other protocol. It involves taking a birth control pill and then the Lupron? I was driving and I didn't quite get the whole thing. But in essence what she seemed to be saying was that it would make it so that I didn't have to wait until day 21 of my next cycle to start if the insurance approval doesn't come through in time.

It's kind of strange this time. Last time, I remember all the waiting and anticipation. Maybe it was because there were so many months of tests and stuff before we actually got to the IVF. I don't know. I've been dreaming about getting pregnant again, which took me by surprise. It's strange, because, as soon as I found out I was pregnant last time, I started being pregnant in my dreams as well, and then as soon as I lost Wyatt, I stopped being pregnant in my dreams. I have had a few dreams where I have to tell people what happened, or where I'm trying to hide that I'm not pregnant anymore from someone, so I don't have to explain it, but I really haven't been dreaming of pregnancy.

On Monday, I met one of my friends for coffee. It was so nice to see her and talk to her. She has been amazing through this whole thing, she is the pregnant friend #3 that miscarried. She seems to be doing really well, and just talking about our losses, makes things easier for me. I am the type of person who feels better when I get to talk things through. I don't like to hide things or not share, I know that in order for me to heal in any way from something, I need to be open and honest about it. C is the opposite. I haven't even told him that I'm doing this blog. Not that he would really care, but he would ask things like "Why bother, you can talk to me.". It's not the same. Even if no one reads this, I feel much better when I write! It was the first thing I did after we lost Wyatt. I had bought this journal to document my pregnancy a few days earlier. Really feeling guilty that I hadn't been documenting up until then. I started it after losing our boy....and I think that's what really helped me through those first few weeks. They were the darkest...

Ok...so now I wait for my call from the Insurance lady...Is it really only 9:21??? An update later, I promise!!!

So much to say..MTHFR and such things...

I keep meaning to sit down and write and then the time gets away from me.

Let me start by saying that yet another friend of mine had a miscarriage this week! Pregnant person #3... I am so sorry for her and her husband! She is one of the strongest must positive people I know, so already through her texts and Emails I can see that she will get through this and be stronger and will try again and succeed. With all that said, I see myself as a very similar person to her...well, maybe not quite as positive, but I try...and I HATED it when people pointed out how strong I was after Wyatt's loss. It was like they were saying that was why it had happened to me, because I could recover and endure it! I don't mean that about her at all. NO ONE deserves this pain! NO ONE! She knows who she is...and she's in my thoughts and I'm sending lots of love to her.

On Wednesday, C and I met with my RE. Things went very well. I am positive for the MTHFR mutation, which I knew, I'm homozygous for C766T. I've been on the extra folic acid for a few weeks now, ever since my test came back positive. My second protein S test came back within normal range. My first one was 49, second was 61. The normal range is 60-140. I'm still in the lower end of normal, but my doctor says that is not an issue, normal is normal. He said that he thinks the MTHFR is what caused our loss. It was crushing to hear him actually say that. In some ways it's relieving...an answer. In some ways I go back to feeling responsible. And now, the plan. I had no idea how he would come at this, and I've been doing a ton of research on the options. Having lost Wyatt at 26 weeks, I wanted to make sure that we did everything we could to make sure this next pregnancy was successful. He started telling me about the folic acid and how it is the usual course of action in this case and this helps to fix the problems which are the fact that I don't metabolize folic acid and the fact that with this mutation I am more prone to clotting. And of course as we all know, pregnancy makes us more prone to clotting anyway. He was starting to mention options and I cut him off...the whole thing was taking too long and I was so anxious to ask my questions. I asked about the taking the baby asprin, and he told me that he doesn't think that really does anything. Then I asked about the Lovenox and he said that was what he would use. He was very careful. He told me that he wasn't telling me this was something that I had to do, that there were no real studies that had been done thst say this is necessary. They always seem to use that, because obviously they don't do studies on pregnant people. Have them test one thing or another...that would be very unethical, obviously. Like I said before, I've read a ton about this. Things that doctors have written, supporting both sides and things that everyday woman have written. In my mind there is NO way that I'm not going to do everything that I can to have a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby. I would take a damn beating everyday for god sakes. The bruises that the doctor says are inevitable and the inconvenience of having to take a shot everyday are NOTHING to me. So he agreed that although he would not recommend this as a course of treatment if I had not had a loss, but for some reason they knew I had MTHFR, he thinks in our case it is a good idea. He was very careful with his words, as doctors usually are, but he fully supports my decision to definitely do the Lovenox when I get a positive pregnancy test (notice I said "when").

Soooo....my appointment was on day 12 of my cycle, and although the doctor says we can go forward right away, we have to wait for insurance approval. She submitted it on Thursday with urgent. We may or may not get approval in time. I would have to start the Lupron on Friday the 15th... If not this cycle then next is just fine with me. We're moving forward!!! I am so excited now. I know there are a ton more hurdles until I'm pregnant again, but this is the right road.

Sadness and Joy

These past few days have been up and down. Monday, I had my sonogram. My uterus looks great! Which is fabulous. I spent Sunday night completely worried that I would have more polyps that would put us behind and I would have to have surgery again. Then I found out that pregnant friend # 4 had a miscarriage! She was about 12 weeks, and had just announced it on FaceBook. I feel so bad for her. My thoughts and prayers are with her and her boyfriend.

Today, I had the follow-up with my RE. Things are looking really good. I'll write more tomorrow. I'm exhausted and I have to be up at 6:00.

A New Year

New Year's Eve wasn't as sad as Christmas was. I feel like the new year gives me a new start. Original, huh? I actually don't think that I've really ever felt this way before. There's also this little part of me that knows all my hopes could be dashed if I don't get a BFP during my next cycle. I just somehow know that I'm going to get pregnant soon. It's this feeling that I have. I didn't even has this feeling when I did the cycle where I got pregnant with Wyatt.
C and I are in the process of building a barn on our property. Well, he calls it a barn, it's really a gigantic garage with an apartment over it. He is going to move all his tools into the garage space, and then have space upstairs to hang out. I HATE this project! The whole time I was pregnant with Wyatt, he made me feel bad that I couldn't be out there slaving away for him. I really would not mind helping if we could get along long enough to accomplish something. We cannot work together. He gets really mean when he's working, and says rude things. I inevitably end up crying and then we end up in a huge fight. Somehow he assumes I'm a contractor, and I should know what he's talking about! Well, the plaster is done and now everything needs to be painted. Which C thinks we should do ourselves. Notice the word "we". Like I said I would be happy to help if I thought that we could really do this together. We've painted together before. It never goes well. Mainly because I'm not "professional" enough. I reminded him that I am going to start my cycle in February and I will not be involved in this during the two week wait! We'll have to see how this pans out.
On another note, my damn ear infection is back! I've already gone through two courses of antibiotics and it goes away and then comes back! It's very painful, and with this damn holiday weekend, I'll be lucky to get into my Doctor by mid week. I guess I'm just having a semi-down day.