Still Here

I'm still here. Thanks for the emails to check up on me. I just needed a few days to sort my head out. I got the call from the nurse yesterday, and my levels had gone down to 17.5. Honestly, I knew before she called and I was ok. I am ok. C and I were both sad that it didn't happen this time, of course, but I did a ton of crying during the two week wait. It's almost like I had already dealt with how I would feel if this didn't work.

I really want to move forward. In a strange way, even though the news was bad, it was a relief from being in limbo. We have a teleconference with my RE on Tuesday, and I also have another blood draw Tuesday to make sure my levels are down.

I want to thank everyone for cheering me on through all of this...and don't put your pom poms down yet! We're going to try again as soon as we can. I'm going back and forth about doing an FET (frozen embryo transfer) and another fresh cycle. My doctor is very discouraging about the frozen cycles, but there certainly are a lot of babies out there from frozen embryos. We'll see....

Not the news I wanted...

The nurse called at around 2. She started droning on about numbers, etc. from the tone in her voice I was just expecting a simple "Sorry, you got a negative.", but my number was 34. With Wyatt it was 191. They like to see at least 50. So, she seemed to basically be saying abandon all hope, and that it would be great if my numbers are going down on Saturday at my second test. Then she said something about it being possible that I could see my numbers rise slowly, but that wouldn't really mean that there was a chance that this could be a viable pregnancy.
I of course cried and cried and so did C. He's very upset. There's nothing I can do. And looking online, in one of the groups I read on Baby center, there are two people who had low first Betas and are still pregnant. It's definitely not unheard of. I called and left the nurse a message, because I want to ask some more questions.

Tomorrow (1 Day)

Blood test at 7am. Then waiting for the afternoon call. Still got everything crossed. :-)

Still Waiting (2 Days)

Yesterday was terrible. I think the stress has really caught up with me and I just can't handle it. I cry about everything. It started with what was on TV in the morning and by the end of the day, I was still crying. I am really missing Wyatt. And of course since my due date just passed, I'm getting all these stupid things in the mail, like portrait deals for your new baby. Ugh!
I'm ready to know. I am finding myself preparing for the worst, but of course still hoping for the best. I didn't write yesterday, because I was trying to distract myself. But I decided that it's better to just get it out today. I'm supposed to be working on the damn taxes, but I just can't focus.
So, 2 more days. Hurry up and wait. 

Our beautiful boy, Wyatt...

On a search (4 Days)

I was on a search today. First item, a lockset for the door to our new barn that C was so diligently working on all day. They did not have the one I wanted. Second item, Vinyl Composite Tiles. You know, those ugly tiles that they have in a cafeteria, or the grocery store. I need them for the retail space I just leased to our new tenant. They are opening, Lucky Dollar. Obviously, they're Asian. I'm not really sure what the fascination with the word lucky is in the Asian culture, but they seem to use it an awful lot in the names of their businesses.  Back to the tiles...I am at Home Depot, because they have the best price. Every time I go there, I want to shoot myself. If you need any help at all, you are totally doomed. The guy helping me, did not want to help. That was totally obvious. I had a simple request. Please give me a quote for 62 boxes of these tiles, and tell me how many boxes you have in stock. After three trips to the aisle to obtain the SKU #. I thought we finally had it. But he had apparently written down the number for a single tile, so back we went. Then he had to type it all in, you know, the number 62, that was another 20 minutes or so. Finally he gave me the sheet. I mean seriously, where do they find these people?!? I feel bad when I encounter someone who has clearly been left to do a job that they aren't capable of, or haven't been trained for. Like the time I was at Dunkin' Donuts and the guy couldn't even make a pot of coffee, and he was all alone, with a line. I helped him. But I swear, these people at Home Depot just really do not want to help you. They try to answer no before you even ask your question. They ask you if you need help when you come in the door, but I'm pretty sure they expect and hope that you'll say no.

I tried not to over analyze symptoms, and just relax. I also had a nice talk with my sister, J.A.. I realized that which sister I am referring to may get confusing, so...J.A. is three years younger than me, lives about 10 minutes from me, and is mother to my 7 year old nephew, N. J.R. is four years younger than me, lives about an hour and a half away and is currently pregnant. And A, my youngest sister is 6 years younger than me, and lives about an hour and a half away, too. AND my brother, B, he lives about 20 minutes from me. It's way more complicated, but I'll save that for another day. Anyway, it was really nice to talk to J.A. today, she lost her first baby at 22 weeks, and she completely understands what I've been through. Although I'm closer to J.R., J.A. and I are very similar in the way we think and act, our wit is the same, and we even look alike. Sometimes it's just really nice to talk to her. Even though we live so close, we hardly ever see each other. Just two different paths, I guess.

I can't believe that tomorrow is already Sunday! Come on Wednesday!!!!!

Nerves (5 Days)

I'm nervous. I almost convinced myself that I should do an HPT tomorrow, but J talked me down off the cliff. Thank God! She's right, I couldn't possibly handle a false positive. I'm not afraid of a negative, because it could be wrong, and it's still early. A positive would probably send me into a frenzy. I would have to test constantly! Good thinking, no testing! I may not be testing, but I am constantly doing my mental symptom checking.
 

Accomplished (6 Days)

That's right...I said 6 days!!! The two week wait is such a strange thing. For these two weeks, you get to hope and dream. Hell, you get to kinda sorta be pregnant. There's no drinking, no heavy lifting and you have to take extra good care of yourself. Don't get me wrong I can't wait to actually know that I am (not even going there with I might not be) but this time around, I've decided that I don't hate the two week wait. It's letting me be hopeful, and happy-ish. Something I haven't really felt in awhile. C and I were talking last night and all of a sudden I realized how far we'd come since we lost Wyatt. For one, I'm not counting the weeks, and even though we just passed his due date which was very hard for me, for us, I found myself looking at his ultrasound pictures today and smiling. He looked just like me, and in the ultrasound you can see that he has my little nose (it looked way cuter on him!).

I'm thinking about my friend, J. She had her level 2 ultrasound yesterday and they saw a cyst on the baby's brain. There are no other marker's for anything and she had done the genetic testing with 1 in 5000 odds for chromosomal abnormalities. Both the maternal/fetal medicine specialist and her OB are reassuring that it's relatively normal about 1 in 100, and they are even saying no amnio, but of course she's still worried. And I totally get it. I know that baby is going to be just fine, but why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't everything just be perfect? Sending love and prayers to her and her husband...and that beautiful baby.

Better Day (7 Days)

Today was a better day. I think a combination of the stress and that damn progesterone are making me all wacky. I did cry a few times today, but not quite as hysterically, and let's face it, normally I'm a cryer anyway! I got out and ran some errands this morning and I'm chasing around lawyers to get this lease drawn up for our new tenant. I'm a gardener with my own business and this is, fortunately, my usual "winter break". I do have one job that I do all winter, but that's just Friday mornings. I bring a lot of their plants inside and they're out of the country for the winter. It's just me and the housekeeper. Yes, they have a housekeeper who works all winter even though there's no one there! And, no, she doesn't have time to water the plants. Too funny, huh?

I've decided to write a letter to the person I have been feeling hurt by. For me, I think it's the only way for me to really get it off my chest. I have no intentions of being mean, I want them to know how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I think that when some people feel guilt it comes out in other ways. Some people just have no idea how to deal with the fact that Wyatt died. And then some people really surprise me, they want to talk about him, and they seem to be genuinely worried about me and C. So, tomorrow, I'm going to write this person a letter.

Ok, so I have been trying really hard not to analyze any symptoms. But, I mean really, it's nearly impossible not to be focused on every little twinge! I really can't compare to last time because of the hospital experience. I have of course been obsessively googling. Yesterday, I had some twinges in my uterus, they were pretty strong. They went away and then I had some AF like cramps last night in bed. And all day I've had some aching in my uterus. Along with the sore boobies, the wave of nausea from today, and the exhaustion. These could be good signs? And would be pregnancy signs if...if...if I weren't on that darn progesterone that gives you all these symptoms.

Breakdowns (8 days)

Today was a bad day. Somehow it was worse than yesterday, which Wyatt's  due date and I had anticipated being hard. I felt crappy yesterday. Really dizzy. I'm assuming from the progesterone that I'm on. So, I basically just vegged on the couch for most of the day. I spent a lot of time thinking about Wyatt, and telling him how much we miss him.

I got some nice messages from friends, and one unexpected one from one of my aunts. She lost a baby between my two cousins to Trisomy 18 (I'm pretty sure it was 18) at 15 weeks and she really understood when we lost Wyatt. I never knew she'd lost a baby. I would have been about 18 or 19 at the time, but no one talked about it. There were some people who I expected to reach out to me, who didn't, people who are very close to me in my life. I really tried not to let it bother me, but this morning, C and I were going over a contract I had to fax to the contractor and he started to be mean to me. I lost it. I told him he was mean and I deserved better. Then I started crying, and I couldn't stop. I was hysterical. He had no idea what to say, but obviously I wasn't crying about the stupid contract! We talked for a few hours. It wasn't really just that I hadn't heard from this person, it was that our entire relationship has changed, and I find it overwhelmingly sad. I guess I feel a great sense of loss. And I can't even say anything to them, because there will be crying, and I'm sure that I will somehow end up being reprimanded for "upsetting" this person. I'm just sad, really sad.

I ended up breaking down again on the phone with my mom, trying to make her understand how I feel. She really does try, I have to hand it to her. And I know that she always has my best interest at heart. I know she doesn't usually read this, but incase she does..Thanks, Mom! Love You.....

So, 8 days!!! Amazing, tomorrow will be just a week. It's almost surreal to me. Last time at this point, right now, I was in the hospital with huge ovaries and cysts on them. I was actually in the pediatrics unit overnight, so I could have my own nurse. They were so nice to me. Even so, I'm super thankful to be in my own bed, without unbearable pain! And the damn drugs for the pain that made me throw-up! Boy that Wyatt was a tough cookie! He made it through that.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day.

Missing Wyatt (10 Days)

I'm really missing my Wyatt today. Yes, tomorrow is his due date, but that's not the only reason. I know that the whole dead baby thing makes people uncomfortable, but why is it that people just keep telling me to move on? Obviously, I am moving on, but I won't ever pretend that this didn't happen! I think that's what people expect. That as I move on, they won't have to hear about him. Well, guess what..... Part of me moving on is talking about him and remembering him.

I have one friend who is pregnant right now, J, and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her. She lets me talk about whatever the hell I want to. I never feel like she's trying to change the subject or just listening, but wanting to change the conversation. She asks questions, and genuinely wants to hear the answers. Thank god for her. I also have my friend, D, she's amazing, too. I've mentioned both of these friends before...D was pregnant friend #3 who had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. She's been through her own roller coaster and she's still been there for me every step of the way. It's like she knows just when to text, or call. My mother has been going through her own stuff, but has been there for me. And my step father (he's not really my step father anymore, he's my sister's father but he's not married to my mom anymore) has been wonderful. He calls me all the time and although we've always been close, I feel closer to him than ever.

There are only a few people in my everyday life who know we're trying again: My mom, my friends, J&D, and my grandparents best friends. I didn't tell my sister who's pregnant, mainly because she is so stressed out with her pregnancy and everything she's been going through. Also, I can't talk about Wyatt with her. I think it scares her, being pregnant and all. But it hurts me that she doesn't even want to see a picture of him. I guess I feel like, so what, it might make you cry. Is that so awful? He's your nephew. She's really not in a place where I can have a conversation about any of this with her, and that's ok, but I can't share select pieces and omit any of my thoughts or feelings that might upset her. And because of that, I've decided not even involve her until I've gotten my BFP and had my first ultrasound. Sometimes I think this is the wrong approach, because she might be angry that I hadn't been sharing all along, but this is what I need to do for myself. I have two other sisters and a brother, but I'm the closest with her. My other siblings wouldn't expect me to share any of this with them. I didn't tell my step father, because I didn't want to put him in an awkward situation.

So, Happy Valentines Day. I'm thinking about you my little Wyatt. I love you.

Embryos Aboard! (11 Days)

We got there early this morning, because I had the acupuncture before the transfer. The acupuncture was fine. Didn't hurt at all and I felt pretty relaxed afterwards. I was laying face down and he put needles in my neck, my lower back and my ankles. Then he left me for about 30 minutes.

When we got into the waiting area for the transfer, the nurse did gave us our instructions, and then said something about not taking an HPT because of the trigger shot, etc, etc. C said that I'd done one last time and it was negative and she asked if it was right, and I said no. Then she said...and with hesitation..."Did you have a baby?" I said that we had lost him at 26 weeks. She says "Oh? What happened? That's horrible!"

I told her about the MTHFR, etc. Then she says "My son was born at 26 weeks. He's 22 now. So, I kind of know what you went through. It was really hard."
I mean seriously?!?!? Are people this fucking stupid? Um, no you don't know what we went though! Your son is ALIVE. Don't worry she wasn't done causing problems. She then smiles brightly (complete idiot!) and says "Well, you have one Highest quality embryo, so you guys should do great."

I started freaking out. I asked about any other embryos and said that they were supposed to be transferring two!!! Now, all of a sudden she can't say, and the Dr. will be right in!! She left us both speechless. C looked like he was going to cry. I felt like I could throw up. So much for the relaxing acupuncture. It took like ten minutes for the Dr. to come in and in that time C, who is my "glass is half empty, and what is left will probably spill" guy was really upset. I mean so was I kind of, but I think I was more upset about him being upset. I tend to not get upset about things until I'm sure that they're are worthy of my emotions. I felt like until I heard the Dr. say it, I wasn't going to really freak. The nurse was clearly an idiot.

The Dr. finally graced us with his presence. It wasn't Dr. B. He said that we had one HIP (Highest Implantation Probability) 8 cell embryo, and one 7 cell with slight fragmentation. All in all good embryos. The other 4 were all 5 and 4 cell embryos and they only freeze 6 cell and up, so they were discarded. This made C really upset, too. I felt like I'm not trying to stockpile embryos here, we already have 3 on ice for a frozen cycle for our third child (assuming-please,please,please-that I get pregnant from this transfer.).

The transfer itself went smoothly. I had the second round of acupuncture after. This time I lay on my back and he put needles in my forehead, the top of my head, my abdomen, my wrist and ankles.

C and I talked on the way home and I showed him the stuff from the clinic on embryo grading when we got home and he seems to feel a lot better. Last time all of our embryos that matured were the highest grade and I think that C is just so worried that this cycle will fail he just wanted everything to be perfect. I understand his fear. I'm afraid, too, but I have no reason to think that we aren't going to be pregnant in 11 days!!! The count down has begun!!!

Waiting

I did a lot of thinking today. I was thinking about waiting. It seems like I'm always waiting. Since the IVF phase of our fertility quest began in January of 2009, I've been waiting. Before that, I was waiting, too, but it was different. I still had faith in the fact that I would get pregnant and even as the months ticked by, I had other things to focus on and life kept on moving. After my first appointment last January with Dr. B, the real waiting started. 

Waiting for my CD3 levels, waiting for a sonogram of my uterus, waiting for the surgery to remove my polyps, waiting for C's semen analysis, waiting to start the protocol, waiting for them to trigger me, waiting for the egg retrieval, waiting for embryo transfer, waiting for the beta, waiting for the 6 week ultrasound, waiting for the 8 week ultrasound, waiting for my first OB appointment, waiting for the next appointment, waiting for the gender scan, waiting to take my classes at the hospital, and then the world stopped. And there were shorter moments of waiting. In those days right after we lost our Wyatt, every moment seemed to be an eternity. I had noticed the waiting before, but all of a sudden it was overwhelming. Suffocating. I needed to have something to wait for that wasn't too far off.

And now I'm waiting for every moment of this IVF. When did I stop living in the moment? Did it slip away slowly with all the waiting? Because I feel like I've lost the moment, lost my faith in the future. Well, not lost my faith in the future totally, but lost faith that without my intense concentration, the future will be able to exist on its own.

 So, I'm waiting. Waiting for 7:15am to leave for the clinic, that's what I'm waiting for right now. And then I'll be waiting for my acupuncture session to start, and then my transfer. There's a lot more to wait for. So, I'm waiting.

Our Embryos

Six! That's how many eggs fertilized! Yay! We only had 5 last time, so I'm really excited. I go in on Saturday at 10:15. I'm trying to decide if I should do the acupuncture. Last time I went for a massage after, but I'm thinking about the acupuncture this time.

I'm really feeling good about this, and I have made a decision that I will not do any HPT's. NONE. Last time I did one about 3 days before my beta and it was negative. I didn't even tell C, but I was expecting a negative on Beta day. My beta was 191. Then I took an HPT just to see what a positive test looked like. After all the tests I'd taken that had been negative, I just wanted to see a positive.

I've been missing Wyatt a lot lately. Monday the 15th was my due date. I'm trying to think of something nice to do for him that day. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm sure I will.

Egg Retrieval

Today was a good day, aside from the fact that I couldn't sleep last night and I had to get up at 5:30.

Sooo...when Dr. B came in to talk about how many eggs they were looking at he said that he would have liked to see me get more follicles on the left. There were 6 mature follicles total (5 mature on the right and 1 mature on the left.) and some smaller ones as of my ultrasound on Monday morning. He was hoping for about 6 eggs, but he said it might be only 5. C was very upset. Dr. B said that it was a good result and all we need in the end is 2 good embryos. C is ALWAYS the glass is empty guy.

Well, guess what....he got 10 eggs!!! He said that some more had come up on both sides!! Yay!We were really surprised. And now we just sit tight. They'll call tomorrow after 3 to let us know how many fertilzed and to tell us when to come in on Saturday. I just realized that 14 days from today, I will know if I'm pregnant or not!!! I'm very excited.

I am still exhausted from the anesthesia and the complete lack of sleep, so I'm already in bed.
Can't wait for Saturday. I haven't decided if I'm going to do bed rest, but I think maybe just for the weekend.

Just Hours Away...

In less than 12 hours, I will be at the clinic in my lovely gown and that silly shower cap thing they put on you. I have pictures of C and I in our caps before the embryo transfer last time. They're pretty funny.

I was pretty anxious all day. I had some things that I wanted to wrap up before the next few days, so I'm not too stressed out. I've been working on getting a commercial space in one of our buildings rented, and C has been hard to convince that this particular tenant will be good for us. Her credit is perfect, she has plenty of money, she's very professional, and all her previous landlords loved her. We've been going back and forth for the last couple of days, and all of a sudden today, he just turned to me and said, "OK.". Thank god! Losing the income of this space was a big financial blow to us, and I've been nervous about it. The tenant was elated. Now we just have to work the lease out.

So, the rental fell into place, and then I was sitting at my desk working on some bills when all of a sudden I thought of the rings I'd left to be sized at the jeweler's. When I had my embryo transfer with Wyatt, I put on a ring that my father had given me when I was 13. I decided that I would wear it the whole time I was pregnant. The ring is one of the only things that I have from my father, who, as I've mentioned, died when I was 14. It took me a while to take the ring off, but I gave it to Wyatt. It sits on his little urn, and when C gets his shop back together he's going to make Wyatt an urn that will hold the ring. I decided that this time I was going to get C's mom's engagement ring sized and I would wear that. She passed away a little over two years ago and was one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I've ever known. Well, a few weeks ago I took it to the jeweler I usually use and they told me they weren't doing repairs anymore, but recommended another place. I brought it there and was told that it would take at least 6 weeks, because they were so busy. I decided to leave it anyway, and thought that I would just put it on when I got it back. So, today I was thinking about the rings (I also had her wedding band sized so I could wear it with my wedding band and engagement ring.). I started to think that I wished they would be done, I thought that that would be a sign. A sign that this was our road and things were going to go well. About an hour later, the phone rand and it was the jeweler's!!! They were finished, WAY ahead of schedule. Amazing. Now that was a sign.

I'm wearing them now, and praying for lots of good eggs!

Trigger!!!

At the ultrasound this morning, I had another one on the left. That makes 2 left and 6 right. That one on the left came up literally overnight, so, who knows there may even be a few more by Wednesday. That's right, I said Wednesday!!! They told me to trigger tonight at precisely 10:00pm. I made C do it (Ovidrel 250) at exactly 10:00. I was so nervous for some reason. I checked the syringe a million times because first I was nervous that it wasn't in the box, then I started to freak out about the huge air bubble in it. Is that normal? It is by the way, I watched the video and the one they were using had it, too.

And now for some reason I'm in panic mode. I feel nervous about everything. I'm nervous about Wednesday, and then I'll be nervous about the eggs fertilizing and the embryos growing. Ugh. I find myself thinking the worst. I'm going to try to focus on positivity tomorrow. I know that I need to go into this with my head straight. Just imagine what I'm going to be like during the two week wait!!! 

I'm exhausted, maybe from all my worrying? More tomorrow...

Hmmmm...

Just a quick update. I went for blood and ultrasound today, and I still only have 7 measurable follies, but she did say that there are some coming up in size that may get in there. The one on the left has gone from 12.5 to 15.5, so that's good. And on the right they are now ranging up to 18.5.

I think I get what the doctor is doing with this cycle. I know last time that I was slow to rise in the beginning and now that I'm remembering, I'm pretty sure he increased my Gonal f and then I went in for an ultrasound and surprisingly I was told to trigger that night. Then, three days after the embryo transfer, I suddenly started having incredible pain on my right side and ended up in the hospital. They couldn't definitively say it was my ovary without a cat scan, and my white blood cells were off, possibly indicating an infection. I refused the cat scan, it would have killed the embryo, and there would have been no chance for that cycle to have worked. C was amazing. There were a few times I almost gave in, because of the pain, and I was scared. They also had me on some crazy drug that is like ten times stronger than morphine, so I was also out of my mind! Even though my ovaries were enlarged, and there were multiple large cysts on the right one, they insisted on keeping me overnight. They wanted to do exploratory surgery when I refused the cat scan. I refused that, too! They discharged me later the next day and I was ok in a few days.

Anyway, my husband was very emphatic with the RE that he needed to do everything he could to avoid this again, and the RE confessed that I rose really quickly in the end. So, I'm guessing that he's taking the slow and steady approach this time. That's fine with me. I have no intentions of going into the hospital again until it's to give birth to a live baby!!!

Nothing Worse...

My grandmother always says "Nothing worse.". She will say this in reference to ridiculous things. Like the mailman never closes the mailbox- "Nothing worse.".

My mother told me the other day that she had a long talk with someone she works with. He and his wife have a beautiful two year old baby girl. She told him about Wyatt and about our journey with IVF. He told my mother that he and his wife went through 6 IVF cycles. She had 5 miscarriages. One was as late as 16 weeks. And now they have a beautiful baby girl. He told my mother to tell me that this is the hardest thing that we will ever go through. And to take solace in this. To know that life will be downhill from here. My mom didn't get it at first. But the minute she said it, I thought...."Nothing worse." Because there is nothing worse. And he's right, I draw strength from what we've been through and what we're going through every day. I know there will be other hard times, but I feel like if I can get through loosing my child, I CAN get through anything.

Today.....

Why is it that the people at my lab suck so much at drawing blood? I look like a drug addict with my bruised arms. And the lady who's been doing my ultrasounds is just plain mean. She seems annoyed that she has to do them. Can you tell that I am grumpy today? I don't go to the IVF Clinic for this stuff, because it's an hour and a half away, but they are so much nicer there!!! And good at the blood drawing.

And now, for the results!...I have 6 follicles on the right side ranging 14-17.5, and one on the left at 12.5. She said there are a bunch more that are still small on both sides, but they could measure up. They've got me coming in for an ultrasound and blood again on Sunday. Which means that I get to go to the clinic. Long drive, but at least it'll be a nice environment.

I have no idea how many I had last time. I must have had this idea that it would work, period. I had no idea what was good or bad, or how many eggs I should want. They only did 2 ultrasounds last time, and I'm pretty sure the first one wasn't until day 7 of stims, and then one on day 9. I was triggered on day 9. I do remember the RE saying that I started out slowly, but rose very quickly in the end. Somehow I seem to think that there were 12 measurable follicles when they did the retrieval. I know they got 8 eggs and 5 fertilized with ICSI. We transfered 2 and froze 3.

Of course, C got me all nervous today with asking all his usual questions. He can't believe that I don't remember about last time's numbers, and he's worried that we won't get enough. In my mind we only really need two in the end. So enough so that we could freeze 1 or 2 more would be great. I'm sure it'll be fine. I would like to have enough frozen so that we could do a thaw and be relatively certain that we would get 2 out of it. My RE was very discouraging about us thawing the 3 we had left for this cycle. He said I have much better chance of getting pregnant with the fresh cycle, like a 25% chance with the frozen compared to 50% with the fresh. He also said that a lot of the time when you thaw out 3, there's a chance that only one of them will survive them thaw. We plan to try again for baby number 3 after this baby, and then we will use the frozen embryos.

Sooo...I'm thinking that I might get triggered Sunday! If not Sunday, then Monday. Just a note...if they trigger me Monday, the baby's due date will be my birthday!

I'm thinking all good thoughts and like my friend D said today "Picture it happening!".  And I am.

Thinking...

I have all our Christmas stuff down in the basement and today while I was out I finally got some much needed plastic bins to better organize it. We didn't do anything for Christmas this year. I just didn't have the energy to put up all the lights and to hang all the decorations. We didn't get a tree, there were no presents. I was fine with this, this was what I wanted. But today when I was organizing the Christmas stuff, I got sad. I love Christmas. It's by far my favorite time of the year. I've always felt there's something magical about it. That whole time of the year is magical to me. I love baking cookies and wrapping presents. I love the smell of the pine. I love buying things for people and surprising them. I love my surprises. I love it all. I was still so sad at that time, I just couldn't do it. I'm sad now, but it's different. It's like the fog has lifted a little. If Christmas came again next week, I could do it. I would cry, but I would rather do it than not do it.

When I realized this, I saw how far I've come from even a little over a month ago. The dates and numbers don't dance in my head as often as they used to. Sunday was 12 weeks since Wyatt was born, and Monday would've marked 38 weeks if I'd still been pregnant. Maybe it's because I have new numbers dancing in my head. I've had 5 days of stims, I'll have a 2 week wait... Even as the time passes, I still think about Wyatt every day, I miss him, everyday. I think a lot about how my father died so young. He was 38. I cannot even imagine the pain my grandparents felt when he died. I think of that every time I see my grandmother. I understand how she can barely admit that he ever existed. That's not my way, but it's hers.

I had my ultrasound today and blood work. There were multiple follicles on both sides and 3 measurable on the right. My right side always responds better. This is the side that I had the problem with all the cysts and ended up in the hospital after the embryo transfer last time. Let's hope it behaves this time! The nurse said my estrogen was rising very well, and I'm on the same dose and another ultrasound and blood on Friday.

Lack of sleep

I woke up at 4:30am this morning, and I couldn't fall back asleep. That is until 5:50am which was about 10 minutes before I had to get up. I woke up because I was having a dream in which I was trying to find a bathroom. I had to pee. For some reason none of the bathrooms seemed to be clean enough or private enough. Well, good thing I guess, because when I did wake up, I had to rush to the bathroom. And  I guess it's a good thing I didn't find a suitable bathroom in my dream! When I wake up in the middle of the night, my mind goes in a million different directions. I think about all these things that seem ok during the day, but suddenly coupled with my insomnia become horrific and need to be figured out immediately.

The nurse called with my results and I'm staying on the same dose, she said the RE thought my estrogen was rising nicely. So, I have an ultrasound and blood work on Wednesday morning. I'm getting very nervous/excited. I think C said it really well today. It's like we have all this hope right now, but we only have the hope up until we get that phone call and then it either is or it isn't. I have a ton of hope and he's right, but I'm the glass is half full person. And I think the phone call will be a good one.

Listen to me, I've already fast forwarded to that phone call. We're not there yet.......